Rush is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Yale’s Pi Beta Phi and Kappa Alpha Theta chapters have finally uploaded their 2010 Rush Videos to YouTube, and boy, are they uplifting. Before the creepy commenters get to them, IvyGate is pleased to present these masterpieces to the discerning Ivy League audience; and of course, to declare a winner.

We’ll start with Pi Phi’s, a heady docudrama entitled “Pi Phi Girl,” which explores–through the lens of Gossip Girl, Mad-Libs, and mid-90′s pop hits–what it truly means to wear the Pi Phi crown. Feast your eyes:

“Right now… let’s see… I, gosh, I have a meeting with President Levin right now, he wants me to help him with this multi-billion dollar fundraising campaign. It’s superrr intense.”

Next we move onto Theta’s more overtly satirical “The T.A.” Some nerd/jock jokes… a bad Snooki impression… etc, yawn, etc… and OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD THEY’RE CONJURING MAGIC ENERGY BALLS AND SHOOTING THEM AT AN EVIL COW! PLEASE SEE 4:21 IMMEDIATELY:

The time has come for you guys to make your energy balls. Take out your hands and place them in front of you, and think happy thoughts, and it will just come naturally. Don’t force it, Snooki, don’t force it! Think what you love!

After a few moments of speechlessness, we’re comfortable declaring a (totally objective) winner: Pi Phi all the way, baby. Not only have these young ladies provided us with great material in the past (“Heels. PRETTY HEELS.”), but their Rush video hits all the right notes: Snarky Rumpus editors, child brainwashing, Southern accents, sophomores I’ve been in section with, fur, sequins, an awkward unintentional flashing at 5:04, and of course, a “hey guys I heard you were stressed so I bought some cake and Diet Coke!!!!”? Check!

The cute slideshow at the end definitely seals the deal. At the risk of incineration at the hands of Theta’s energy balls, we’re confident in declaring: PPL 4eva guyz!

The Cornell University Convocation is not for another 150 days or so, but the guest of honor has been announced: Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.

In an email that was sent out to the Committee this evening, the Convocation Chair wrote,

As a group, we agreed that it was important to bring someone to campus who was interesting, offered unique perspective and who was historically relevant and significant.  As a Committee, we were able to arrange for one of the most powerful women in Washington to be our featured Convocation Speaker. This is something to be proud of.

So there you have it. At least this one-ups the not-so-college-graduate David Plouffe from last year.

On the other hand, one alum is less than thrilled. In response to The Cornell Daily Sun tweet, “University announces that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi will speak at Senior Convocation on May 29, 2010,” retweeter @gnagesh said,

There goes my donation.

Regardless of your political leanings, the Convocation Committee Chair is right; Cornell has definitely secured one of America’s most powerful women to speak on the Hill. She’d better be wearing pretty heels, though.

Our little scoop has caught some national attention (here too!). No wonder the Pi Phi President hung up on us today! Well, just remember, Pi Phis, no publicity is bad publicity — with a few notable exceptions.

To that end, here’s part three of the Pi Phi ladies’ fashion manifesto: accessories. The first two installments were relatable, in a Legally Blonde way: this rush chair just wanted everyone to look pretty. Which is good! We like pretty. As one commenter on a previous post said:

She is straightforward, not superficial and catty. She’s trying to bring the sisters to their fullest potential. How many times have you seen someone wearing something that does not flatter them at all? Like a girl whose stomach is falling out all over the top of her jeans?

Um, sure, okay. No fat chicks! We’ll co-sign the “fullest potential” part, at least. And apparently their guidelines are meant to make them look like successful businesswomen? Quoth another commenter:

these guidelines are just like guidelines you can find online about proper business wear

Right, because Ivy League students need to go on something called “online” to find guides for how to look businesslike. Without Wikipedia, I’d wear my belt around my forehead and my socks on my ears! I’d certainly never know, without the Pi Phis’ newsletter, that “charm anything” is gauche, because “we aren’t 5.” (That is, “unless I say it’s beautiful”!)

Yes, when it comes to accessories, our beloved rush chair — half Becky Sharp, half Cruella de Vil — uses the repeated “I’m weird about” construction to make sure everyone looks exactly like her. Don’t believe us? Check the part where she tells her sisters not to wear watches, despite the fact that watches, unlike “celebration rings,” are utilitarian:

Nothing that has indiglo or a timer on it is going to be present so forget it. I will have the time and keep you informed.

When is it time to drink the Kool-Aid, House Bunny? More pizzazz after the jump!

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Turns out Greek Life rush isn’t all, fun, games and “pretty heels.” In the wee hours of the morning, IvyGate was forwarded an explosive email, sent by Eric Blair of the Cornell Interfraternity Council to all “potential fraternity members.” The Greek czar tells a twisted tale:

I am writing to provide you all with an update of events that occurred last night that resulted in a fraternity having their university recognition temporarily suspended. The suspension is in response to a recruitment event at the fraternity house that resulted in the hospitalization of three students due to alcohol poisoning.

Brotherhood, community, philanthropy, and life-threatening intoxication. Fun. But surprising? Who would have thought that a biyearly institution which corrals eager, tiny freshmen–most of whom never drank in high school, and have the alcohol tolerance of fieldmice–and subjects them to intense drinking bouts could have ill effects? And it’s not even pledge week yet. Irony:

The health and wellness of all individuals is a priority of the Greek system at all times.

Yeah, obviously. The Greek system is definitely up there with Community Health Educators and the Cornell Christian Fellowship. Nevertheless, the buzzkilling po-po and Cornell administration are coming down hard on these bros:

The Ithaca Police Department responded to the event as well and are currently investigating along with Cornell University Police.  This incident is being taken very seriously and will likely have repercussions that effect the entire system.  At this time the fraternity has been instructed to desist from all activities including recruitment.

Boom goes the dynamite. As of now, the identity of the tragic shuttered frat remains a mystery–all-knowing commenters and tipsters, make us wise.

And freshmen, be careful out there. PSA: you don’t have to subject yourself to all-male alcoholic bro-hazing and three years of being someone’s bitch in order to make friends at college. The allure of the Greek system is understandable; it often does a world of good. But when young’uns are being wheeled into the ICU, young women are mercilessly objectifying each other, and frats are coming under the hard fist of the law, it might be a good time to realign priorities.

Read the full Cornell Interfraternity Council email after the jump.

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The Pi Phi saga continues! Late last night, we received an email from Pi Phi’s chapter president, telling us that the emailed fashion guide for rushes did not originate within Pi Phi, and that,

Unfortunately, we are not a very fashion-conscious sorority, and we can be seen most days wearing sweatpants around campus.

Sorority girls: they’re just like us! But rush isn’t “most days,” and presumably anyone would want to look good in their own way. But the more stringent requirements of the document:

I’m going to be doing dress checks so have your outfits for each round completely figured out before you get to Ithaca

just don’t jibe with the chapter president’s representation. As to the question of the document’s veracity — it refers by name, and in a complimentary manner, to members of past pledge classes. Rushes, get ready for your dress checks: you better work!

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