Eating Lunch Is Too Stressful For Dartmouth Students

Perhaps worried about being the Ivy League school that had to increase their acceptance rate this year, some Dartmouth students are trying to make their school a nicer, more inviting place. The Dartmouth reports that a group of students have recently introduced $100 worth of red cups to the college’s eating halls in some bizarre social experiment to actually have students talk to each other. If a student uses a red cup during a meal, it is now known to all that they are lonely and willing to eat with total strangers. According to The Dartmouth, “The project, launched Tuesday, is a reaction to the dining hall’s propensity to give students unnecessary stress.”

In order to alleviate the paralyzing stress of eating a meal, some students have introduced “friendship competitions” to the program. As this cheery anecdote describes it:

“Today at lunch, some of the men’s heavyweight rowing team will sit alone at opposite ends of the Class of 1953 Commons. Each solely armed with his meal and a red cup, the team members will compete to attract the most dining companions. Whoever ends his meal with the most new friends will be declared the winner of the team’s unofficial ‘popularity contest.’”

Despite it’s good intentions, this daring new initiative does not seem to be working. In fact, it’s actually causing more stress for Dartmouth’s seemingly self-conscious student body:

“Nobody said ‘hi’ to me all evening,” Jon Vandermause ’16 said. “I don’t know if I’m ugly or if the cups aren’t working.”

Jon, it’s not you, it’s them. We promise. They just don’t understand the power of the red cups yet.