The Ivy League sex column is a lot like the Ivy League in general: an opportunity to brag about oneself and boss others around. Take Cornell’s newest columnist—a sex columnist—who now writes a Daily Sun column about having sex in middle school, high school, and college, with an inscrutable potpourri of late-90’s lingo and Puritan euphemism:

The choreography was becoming natural: This hand here, that hand there, this happens now, this feels good for me, that feels good for him, fun, fun, tra la la, aaaaand finish! Easy. Familiar. Repeat.

Later:

So that was it. I did lesbian sex! And while I am by no means an expert, I am proud of the progress I have made. I’ll leave the strap-on saga for a later date, as I am not sure that many other experimenters will venture that far.

Haha! Strap-on. She said strap-on! Guys, look. Strap-on. Meanwhile, at the the newly Sex Week-less Yale, Maria Yagoda (pictured) insists that all men are really bad at sex, so there. 

Guys at Yale are bad in bed. I know Yale has taught us to discuss issues with nuance and complexity, but I feel really comfortable with this blanket statement: Guys at Yale are bad in bed. Like, really bad. Like, I’d-laugh-if-I-weren’t-crying bad. Like, maybe-I’ll-just-eat-this-sandwich-instead bad.

Like, that-annoying-Yoplait-commercial bad! Plus, Yale men have this weird thing for . . . ears—though what exactly they do to them, Yagoda doesn’t say:

. . . I encourage guys to start thinking less of their abilities and to stop doing weird shit. For example, a close friend was making out with this guy who pinched her really hard in the stomach. She said, “Ow!” and he said, “Shhhh, you’ll like this.” Then he proceeded to do a lot of strange things with his finger in her ear, and she was revolted, though stayed largely silent.

Uh? Anyway, Yagoda encourages women to cease sexual activity, immediately:

I urge women to start Saying No to Awful Sex (Thank You!), or SNASTY. SNASTY is the only way to improve Yale’s sexual climate and female sexual pleasure.

Between Yagoda and Cornell’s “Fiona C.”, there’s no shortage of bragging about having sex and instructing both men and women not to have sex. Which makes sense, right? In the Ivy League, the only reasonable purpose to do anything is to grab as much status and power as possible—and sex, in this regard, is no different.