Dear Cornell Sun: A public urination article? We’re really going to do this? … Fine, then. But let me take a quick Purell shower before we get started, OK?
Cornell University Police reported 13 incidents of exposures of a person and two incidents of public urination on campus last weekend. Cornell Police Chief Kathy Zoner said that more incidents were reported likely due to increased Cornell Police surveillance on campus, not an increase in illegal activity among students and community members.
“It’s actually not that strange a number,” Zoner said. “It comes with the territory of people drinking and not paying attention to what their physical needs are and thinking public peeing is the way to handle it.”
Yes, it’s actually not that strange a number at all. In fact, Cornell students should be working tirelessly to increase their number of public urination incidents. How else will they move up through the ranks on Newsweek’s (completely inaccurate) list of the Best Party Schools in America?
Zoner said that any student caught urinating in public could be charged with “exposure of a person,” under 245.01 of New York state penal law. However, according to Zoner, judicial sanctions are not charges in the municipal court system and will not show up as arrests on a background check.
Penal law, of course, is the “body of laws that are enforced by the State … as opposed to civil law.” Get your head out of the gutter, people.
Cornell police have also been increasing their patrols of the campus gorges to deter illegal swimming, she said.
“Maybe if people knew how much others urinated in the creeks, we wouldn’t have such a problem keeping people from swimming illegally in the gorge,” Zoner said.
Wait a minute. If Ithaca is Gorges, and the gorges are filled with piss, does that mean — through the transitive property — that Ithaca is just a big ol’ bucket of pee?
*Tosses “Ithaca is Gorges” t-shirt in the trash*