Internet Troll for Princeton 2012 Class Secretary

IvyGate has been scolded for its recent treatment of Princeton, and we would like to apologize for our misdirection. For all this time, we were clearly mistaken in our impression that the vast majority of Princeton students were humorless passive-aggressive freaks whose own secret self-hatred could only be revealed in their proclivity for ALL-CAPS or boldly noting “Ivygate has gotten really anti-princeton lately” in our comments.

But alas! Humor is alive and well in New Jersey. And in, of all places, student council elections, where popularity contests among 150 or so people must be treated as very serious matters.

The kind people over at the  University Press Club have offered to the public an actual application which they have deemed, “Best Class Government Application EVER!” Although The UPC redacted this candidate’s name to ******, for practicality’s sake we will refer to him as Steve Holt!

Yes, this lovable Princeton man proudly sources his comments as “his visionary voice.” When asked the million-dollar question why do you want to be president?Why do you want to get involved in class government?” Steve answers:

As a very outgoing and politically involved individual, I have found that my medium of choice, commenting on PrincetonFML and Daily Princetonian articles, can no longer give me the breadth of reach my visionary voice requires. Class government and its mass-email opportunities present a unique opportunity to let everyone know what witty commentary I have to say. Whether it is a simple yet timeless outpouring of “LOLZ” or the more sarcastic and biting “LAWLZ,” the people deserve to know my trifling opinions on the inconsequential news and gossip of Princeton life.

As your class secretary, Steve Holt! would use the franking privileges of mass emails to spread lame videos his “vitriol” even further. Nor does the term “secretary” scare this alpha-male from this opportunity of service:

While I firmly believe that occupations are very much gender oriented and that a secretary is as female a role as nurse or sandwich artisan, I understand that the modern progressive times call for new ways of looking at the world. With this in mind, I would propose referring to me instead as the “2012 Chief of Notetaking and Logistics.” Adding “Chief” to any position of course denotes the masculinity and power appropriate to the position. The name change would entail the creation of an underbody to serve said Chief of Notetaking and Logistics, specifically several aids and a woman to act as my secretary.

Holt would even spend University money wisely, his choice of action with a remaining $100,000 in the class’ budget. Money to charity? No…

Buy $100,000 worth of puppies and set them loose throughout campus on Dean’s Date.

Princeton would become such a more magical place with this applicant at the helm. In his pitch to make senior year unforgettable, he proposed to:

  • Rename Nassau Hall to “The Official Residence of Sir Elton John” and have Benny and the Jets playing on repeat throughout the building
  • Abolish the USG and in its place have the students elect a series of intelligent animals – dolphins, monkeys, talking parrots, owls, etc, based on a series of panels and debates held in Frist.
  • Hot tub study breaks, open to the entire Princeton Community
  • The part of the application that really got IvyGate’s tears flowing was his winning answer to this tough but fortuitous moment, “At the last moment, our commencement speaker falls ill and can longer come. As luck would have it, both Will Ferrell and Janet Reno happen to be on campus. Who do you ask and why?

    I know what answer Nick wants, but I refuse to say Will Ferrell dressed as Janet Reno. Rather, I would ask Will Ferrell to host a game of Celebrity Jeopardy and invite Janet Reno, Cornel West, and Shirley Tilghman as Sean Connery to play as the contestants.

    I hope you’ll join us in IvyGate’s effort to urge “Lindy & Co” (what happend to democracy people?) to select Steve Holt! aka: Internet Troll as  Princeton’s 2012 class secretary election.

    Below is the full application:

    To: “Lindy Li” lindyli@Princeton.EDU, dpuglies@princeton.edu, jmonagle@princeton.edu

    Sent: Sun 24/04/11 12:28 PM

    Subject: Fwd: Re: We need a secretary

    Secretary Application: ************ 2012

    Race: Caucasian

    Gender: Male

    Here are the questions that we would like you to answer:

    1)  Why do you want to get involved in class government?

    As a very outgoing and politically involved individual, I have found that my medium of choice, commenting on PrincetonFML and Daily Princetonian articles, can no longer give me the breadth of reach my visionary voice requires. Class government and its mass-email opportunities present a unique opportunity to let everyone know what witty commentary I have to say. Whether it is a simple yet timeless outpouring of “LOLZ” or the more sarcastic and biting “LAWLZ,” the people deserve to know my trifling opinions on the inconsequential news and gossip of Princeton life.

    I hope through the extended mass emailing privileges of class government to instigate even more contention between class officers and the incompetent body known as the USG. Dominic Pugliese has done an excellent opening shot, but I believe the vitriol needs to go even further. Why stop at mere pronouncements of the USG’s ineptitude? Personal attacks on members have always proven effective – merely look at the current political climate! Outright lying is the norm of modern American politics – who cares if Yaroshefsky isn’t actually the love child of a midget and a capybara? If you tell it to the masses, some will believe, regardless of any “fact checking” or “correcting” that occurs after it has been said. You may even apologize for wrongfully accusing him of embezzling USG funds to invest in his chain of wee-man designer outfits, but the question will remain “Where did he get the money to design all of those tiny people suits?”

    2)  Why are you interested in the secretarial position specifically? (”It’s the only open position in the senior class government” is a perfectly reasonable answer.)

    I have always considered myself a natural candidate for the secretary position. While I firmly believe that occupations are very much gender oriented and that a secretary is as female a role as nurse or sandwich artisan, I understand that the modern progressive times call for new ways of looking at the world. With this in mind, I would propose referring to me instead as the “2012 Chief of Notetaking and Logistics.” Adding “Chief” to any position of course denotes the masculinity and power appropriate to the position. The name change would entail the creation of an underbody to serve said Chief of Notetaking and Logistics, specifically several aids and a woman to act as my secretary.

    More original ideas, including a push to change Dean Dunne’s name to “Count Chocula,” after the jump!

    3)  What ideas do you have for how class government can make our senior year unforgettable?

    • Build a giant straw man effigy of Dean Malkiel on Poe Field. Place Dean Malkiel inside and burn said straw man to the ground in a sacrifice to the GPA Gods, so that we might be blessed with our pre-grade deflation GPAs.
    • Reinstate the nude olympics. And by “nude” I mean naked and covered in fluffer nutter and by “olympics” I mean a tribalistic orgy of trance-inducing chanting charged with a shamanistic flow of hallucinogen-fueled energy, taking place in Tilghman’s office.
    • Rename Nassau Hall to “The Official Residence of Sir Elton John” and have Benny and the Jets playing on repeat throughout the building
    • Rename Dean Dunne to “Count Chocula”
    • Abolish the USG and in its place have the students elect a series of intelligent animals – dolphins, monkeys, talking parrots, owls, etc, based on a series of panels and debates held in Frist.
    • Hot tub study breaks, open to the entire Princeton Community
    • Host a panel with Christopher Stalken and the P-Wanker titled “Masturbating Under your Window: An Open Q&A with Figures of Princeton Infamy sponsored by the Anscombe Society and LGBT Center”

    Here are the questions that Nick Pugliese, our vice president, would like you to answer:

    4)  The Class of 2012 has $100,000 remaining at the end of senior year and we can do whatever we want with it.  What would you do?

    Buy $100,000 worth of puppies and set them loose throughout campus on Dean’s Date.

     

    5)  At the last moment, our commencement speaker falls ill and can longer come. As luck would have it, both Will Ferrell and Janet Reno happen to be on campus. Who do you ask and why?*

    I know what answer Nick wants, but I refuse to say Will Ferrell dressed as Janet Reno. Rather, I would ask Will Ferrell to host a game of Celebrity Jeopardy and invite Janet Reno, Cornel West, and Shirley Tilghman as Sean Connery to play as the contestants.

    • p’13

      That’s “University Press Club.” I know IvyGate is not a bastion of journalistic precision, but transcribing a name can’t be that difficult.

      • Anonymous

        Fixed. Apologies.

    • Chiigen

      yeah seriously you’ll confuse people into thinking it’s an eating club

    • Bieber

      CG ’12 I see you

    • Sky High

      Big ol’ Bear!