Harvard Students, Meet World

Graduation is just around the corner, which can only mean one thing: a massive upsurge in Ivy League freakouts, mostly due to the stunning realization that Ivy League students have zero common sense and no life skills beyond constructing bongs out of toilet paper rolls and laundry filters. Thank God we have someone like Crimson columnist Brian J. Bolduc to deliver us from our own abundance of thumbs and left feet.

Bolduc, a member of Harvard’s Class of 2010, temporarily emerged from his über-gritty, über-real life in New York yesterday to write an article called “The Harvardian’s Guide to the Real World.” We love it when Harvard students pretend to understand the real world, and we especially love it when they try to give each other advice about how to live in it. So naturally we thought Bolduc’s article was worth a quick reality fact-check. Shall we?

First—unlike in class—at work, requirements are mandatory.

WHAT? You must be joking. When will there be time for the rowing machine and the twice-a-day trips to Whole Foods?

Second, work has unavoidable unpleasantries—namely, your coworkers. At one point, you may find yourself sitting across from a guy who went to Yale.

(2a) Do  not use the word “unpleasantries” at the water cooler unless you are working for Roget’s Thesaurus or BlackRock. Otherwise people will think you’re a tool. (2b) Do not gape and point when you see your Yale coworkers, because chances are you’ve been recruited by the same financey folks that hire Ivy League students every year in bushels. (Otherwise, how could you possibly be living in New York, like our fine friend Mr. Bolduc? Keep in mind that none of Bolduc’s proferred recommendations apply if you’re shacking with your parents.)

Third, work has rituals, which you must follow.

Not like Harvard, though. Running ass-naked through campus in the middle of the winter screaming at the top of one’s lungs is just a spontaneous human effusion.

To be a successful investment banker, for example, you’ve got to stare at your computer screen refreshing The New York Times homepage longer than the rest of your coworkers.

Ah, yes. Now we get to the “real” stuff. Few things are more down-and-dirty than sauntering out of an elite institution where you stare at your computer all day into an elite institution where you stare at your computer all day. In the Real World, you have to read Real Newspapers. Because that is Real Work.

Fourth—and this trips people up a lot—at home, you have more work. There’s no such thing as Dorm Crew. Meaning: You have to clean the bathroom yourself.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Someone will still deliver my dry-cleaning, right? Right?!

So cheer up, Harvard grads-to-be. You’re about to enter adult life. You’ve got brilliance down. Now give competence a try.

Behold, Bolduc’s take on “competence”: showing up for appointments, ignoring Yale students, ritualistically reading The New York Times, occasionally washing your socks. That sounds like…the weekend. Good luck with the real world, Harvard students–if all goes well, you might never even have to go outside!