Back in 1973, Princeton’s venerable Cannon Club–not a backwoods haunt for Civil War reenacters, but an eating club for swanky Tigers–sadly shut its doors for good. Or did it? Yes, it did. Or did it? Yes, it did. Or did it? Yes, it motherfucking did, for the love of God.

…OR DID IT?

No, it did not! Aha! After about a bazillion empty threats to reopen over the past few years, the Cannon Club is finally, finally, finally going to resume its status as a glorified mess hall for Princeton keg warriors. The graduate trustee board–ever the eager spokesgroup–has sent an email to Princeton freshmen announcing the return of the club during the 2011-2012 academic year. The club been rebranded the Cannon Dial Elm Club following a consolidation with the nearby Dial Lodge and Elm Club (two other defunct eating clubs). It will be as exclusive as it’s always pretended to be, with an acceptance estimate of roughly 110 students.

And this time, the board is serious when they say it’s back. We know that because they used caps lock a lot, like when they wrote this:

WE ENCOURAGE YOU TO COMPLETE AND SUBMIT YOUR APPLICATION THIS SPRING AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE. YOU SHOULD NOT WAIT UNTIL NEXT FALL.

Don’t wait! Apply today! Tomorrow the building may be blasted into oblivion by a gigantic spaceship full of alien muskrats. You should probably email your application, because all paper will likely be incinerated. But wait, there’s more!

THIS IS A UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY FOR MEMBERS OF THE CLASS OF 2014 TO JOIN A HISTORIC CLUB THAT HAS A FABULOUS BUILDING WITH A GREAT LOCATION AND A LEGENDARY PAST. BY JOINING CANNON DIAL ELM CLUB AS A SOPHOMORE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS IN THE CLASS OF 2014 WILL HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO IMMEDIATELY PUT YOUR STAMP ON THE CLUB, CREATE THE CLUB’S CULTURE AND SHAPE THE CLUB’S FUTURE. YOU CAN MAKE IT THE CLUB THAT YOU WANT IT TO BE AND CREATE YOUR OWN LEGACY AT PRINCETON.

Well yeah, you’ll have to make it the club you want it to be. At this rate no one’s making it more than a pile of construction rubble. Or alien muskrat target practice, or whatever.

Not like we don’t want this place to open. We read through the ridiculously long fact sheet that the graduate board typed up, and we have to say it sounds pretty cool. Appetite-whetting tidbits (it’s an eating club, after all) include:

over 3,100 sq. ft. of taproom space comprised of three (3) separate and connected taprooms each with its own bar (including the legendary Red Bar Room and the infamous Green Bar Room), a walk-in beer cooler holding 30+ beer kegs, a game room, a men’s room, a ladies’ room, and a wide ramped corridor.

Well obviously those kegs weren’t filled with gunpowder. It’s not like they have a cannon in their front yard or anything. And there’s this:

Over the years many legends, myths and stories have been told about Cannon. Some are true and some are not. The “Oreos and beer” story is true, as are the Bo Diddley story, the Bobby Vee story, the record single weekend beer consumption in 1967, and the group mooning of the Dinky train’s arrival from Princeton Junction. The “Nude Volleyball Game” story is partially true in that it did occur, but it was an all male game and not coed as often reported. Some of the “Jane Fonda” stories are true and some are not.

Okay, they had us for a second, but now we’re convinced this whole thing is bullshit. Everyone knows that all stories about Jane Fonda are true. We’re not believing anything until we see some all-male nude volleyball.

But hey, don’t side with us. (Do you ever?) Judge the full Cannon Club email for yourselves:

Dear Member of the Class of 2014:

We are pleased to announce that Cannon Dial Elm Club will definitely reopen as an undergraduate eating club in the Cannon building at 21 Prospect Avenue during the 2011-2012 school year. The Club recently executed a contract for renovation of the Cannon building with E. Allen Reeves, Inc., a highly regarded general contractor who has done numerous construction projects at Princeton, including numerous projects for the University and the recent renovation and addition to one of the other eating clubs on the Street. The renovation of the Cannon building is scheduled to be completed in mid-July, 2011 and the Cannon building will be completely furnished and equipped by the end of August, 2011.

Cannon Dial Elm Club will reopen as a selective (i.e. “Bicker”) club and anticipates that it will enroll 110 (+ or – 10%) members of the Class of 2014 as new undergraduate members of the Club during the 2011-2012 school year. A “Fact Sheet” is attached to this e-mail which provides you with information about the Club, its property and the Cannon building, the Club’s membership policies, the manner in which the Club intends to operate during the 2011-2012 school year, the process by which it intends to select its new undergraduate members during the 2011-2012 school year, the history of Cannon Club and the cannon which stands in its front yard, the history of Dial Lodge, the history of Elm Club, the history of DEC, and information about possible tours of the Cannon building and property. Also attached is a simple one-page application form for membership in Cannon Dial Elm Club and instructions for filling out the application. PLEASE NOTE THAT BY SUBMITTING A MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION TO CANNON DIAL ELM CLUB YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO JOIN THE CLUB EVEN IF YOU ARE OFFERED MEMBERSHIP IN THE CLUB.

The Club will accept applications for membership from members of the Class of 2014 who are “bickering” for membership in the Club either as an individual or as part of a group along with others of their classmates (an “Ironbound” as explained in the attached “Fact Sheet”). IF YOU HAVE A POTENTIAL INTEREST IN BECOMING A MEMBER OF CANNON DIAL ELM CLUB DURING THE 2011-2012 SCHOOL YEAR, WE ENCOURAGE YOU TO COMPLETE AND SUBMIT YOUR APPLICATION THIS SPRING AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE. YOU SHOULD NOT WAIT UNTIL NEXT FALL.

THIS IS A UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY FOR MEMBERS OF THE CLASS OF 2014 TO JOIN A HISTORIC CLUB THAT HAS A FABULOUS BUILDING WITH A GREAT LOCATION AND A LEGENDARY PAST. BY JOINING CANNON DIAL ELM CLUB AS A SOPHOMORE YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS IN THE CLASS OF 2014 WILL HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO IMMEDIATELY PUT YOUR STAMP ON THE CLUB, CREATE THE CLUB’S CULTURE AND SHAPE THE CLUB’S FUTURE. YOU CAN MAKE IT THE CLUB THAT YOU WANT IT TO BE AND CREATE YOUR OWN LEGACY AT PRINCETON.

Sincerely,

The Cannon Dial Elm Club

Graduate Board of Trustees

we encourage you to complete and submit your application this spring at your earliest convenience. You should not wait until next fall.