Forget money: all you need to buy love these days is an Ivy League diploma. At least that’s the word according to IvyDate.com, a new online matchmaking site for (you guessed it) Ivy League alums.
IvyDate was founded by two graduates of Harvard Business School, which–given that school’s sheer abundance of white-collared yuppies with $500 glasses and $2,000 laptops and ten cents of common sense and zero percent compounded interest in the sex department–frankly surprises no one. Beri Meric & Philipp Triebel, both former investment bankers (which also explains a lot), have thrown themselves into the business of Your Sad Pathetic Love Life with a blessed fervor characteristic of coked-up, laid-off wheeler-dealer types. Their big sell is to help you have the social life you never had because you were too busy being an Ivy Leaguer:
We developed our idea for IvyDate based on the fact that exceptional singles often sacrifice romance for their careers and community. So we set out to create a simple, easy-to-use, members-only platform that makes outstanding romantic connections a reality for highly driven men and women who value intellectual curiosity, love of learning, drive, and determination.
Meric, Treibel and their dedicated team of Harvard-grad lackeys do all the work for their clients: there are no databases to peruse, no sketchy emails from Bob@ILoveNathanHale.net. Instead the folks at IvyDate spend hours mysteriously matching up “likeminded (sic) individuals” in dark smoky rooms behind closed doors in the dead of night at the top of the Tower of London. Or something.
The site, which is based in New York, London and Boston, has expanded its list of qualifying schools to include MIT, Stanford, Oxford, Cambridge, and the London School of Economics. That says a lot about the sorts of people involved in this Ivy-League-Yenta trading-card game: not only are they very choosy about college sweatshirts, but they’re also quite keen on dental health care and 401(k)s. They also don’t mind pimples and robots. Hey, there’s no way we’re getting dental in this line of work–where do we sign up?
Oh, wait. You have to be accepted before you can meet your future Daddy Warbucks:
We review all prospective members, and award membership to a diverse range of exceptional individuals with truly engaging profiles.
Well shit. Guess that excludes everyone who isn’t a former investment banker from Harvard Business School.