IvyGate founder Nick Summers may have moved on to bigger and better things, but he clearly hasn’t forgotten his roots. Our alumnus emeritus has picked up his old Ivy League mace for a story for The Daily Beast, in which he exposes the chilling truth about Harvard final clubs: namely that they’re exclusive, they’re boozy, and they’re a lot like the clubs in The Social Network. Except for the parts where people have sex, obviously.

Summers reports that Harvard students were seriously jazzed about director David Fincher’s attention to detail, and impressed that he got so much right. By “got so much right,” we actually mean that he titillated them with strategically placed stickers on fireplaces. Actually. In fact, the only thing that Fincher missed the mark on was “the degree of depravity” at final club parties.

That may be changing, though. Apparently the clubs were so inspired by their depiction in the film that they’ve taken to the sorts of antics that only Winklevii can pull off with aplomb. For instance:

Last semester, with The Social Network and its sexed-up Harvard in theaters, alcohol-poisoning incidents originating at final clubs nearly doubled, according to a college tutor who has seen the privately held statistics.

But don’t worry, parents and prep-schoolers! Harvard’s still classy, as evidenced by its disdain for anything remotely intellectually passé and/or below their pay grade:

Meanwhile, Zuckerberg himself has become something of a punchline. A full class has turned over since he dropped out, so to current undergrads, he’s just another billionaire alum at a school with a lot of them.

Lots of billionaires, lots of alcohol, no overt depravity? Final clubs sound like day spas. Fortunately there’s hope for at least one group: @HarvardHoochies, a.k.a. monomaniacal husband-hunting crazy girls who stalk the final club members and then tweet about it. (Now that’s something we’d pay $10.25 to see.)