Crazed Ivy League Wannabes Publish Terrifying Blog About Harvard

Duck and cover, folks: early decision letters are dropping like bombs this week over the homes of high schoolers. Or at least, they are for the Ivy League schools that haven’t abolished ED in the name of making their applicants salivate especially hard fairness. Penn, which released its decisions last Friday, is already reporting a drop in admit rates from 31 to 26 percent. High school students must be getting desperate.

But no one’s as desperate as the two girls responsible for the blog Harvard, Please. We’ll leave their names out of it, but they’re as rabid about getting into Harvard as most teenage girls are about Justin Bieber’s hair. They’ve also discovered Tumblr, which honestly seems to exist solely to channel the manic panics of hormonal teenyboppers. The upshot is a cultlike stream of love letters, Dear Santas, and Mariah Carey reduxes–all of them glorifying the Harvard Quidditch team and the shoe of the John Harvard statue that everybody pees on.

There are really no words to describe it, but we’ll do our best. A few frightening details after the jump.

Let’s start with their motto.

Our lives have been devoted to getting into not simply “college” as these precocious teens commonly declare, but rather a higher institution than college, Harvard.

Harvard: the college equivalent of Sputnik. Maybe we should vote it out of the Ivy League, seeing as how it’s too good for us. And who are the “precocious teens” they’re talking about, exactly? Don’t they want to be part of that group? Note to the Harvard, Please bloggers: there is a little Yes/No box on the Harvard application asking whether the applicant was accepted to Mensa before middle school. You’ll want to check that box.

In case anyone’s wondering why they’ve got Harvard fever, here’s their explanation:

Harvard is more than simply a college, university, or school – it’s a tradition, a deeply rooted and integral part of American history. In our eyes, there is no other institution in the entire country that can even get onto Harvard’s level. Quite frankly, every other institution in the world pales in comparison to Harvard’s rich culture, history, and level of academia. What other university can boast that it counts over 40 Nobel Laureates among its alumni along with seven US Presidents? Cat got your tongue? Exactly.

Next question. Have these girls actually been to Harvard?

And then there’s this, which we might have to sing at the next Harvard-Yale game:

HEY HARVARD.

I LIKE THE THINGS YOU DO.
HEY HARVARD.
IF I COULD I WOULD ATTEND YOU.
YOU’RE THE ONE AND ONLY COLLEGE
WITH THE ONE AND ONLY SWAG
YOU KNOW HOW TO TAKE THE COLLEGE EXPERIENCE AND MAKE IT…
GREAT

HARVARD UNIVERSITY.
IT’S MORE THAN GOOD.
IT’S GREAT

Composer: [name redacted]
All Rights Reserved

Okay, we don’t want to rag on these girls, because our heart goes out to them. Applying to college really blows. But we can’t help but think they’re setting themselves up for a big, big, big, big letdown. It only takes about five minutes to realize that playing on the Harvard Quidditch team is the only thing worse than rubbing that stupid toe. And then in roughly another ten minutes, they’ll realize that they’ll have to spend the next four years talking about humanitarian aid in the Gaza Strip, and the reasons that white truffles are better than black truffles, and why everyone mispronounces “ad infinitum.”

Ladies, a word of serious advice: please don’t apply to a college just because you like saying the word “Wigglesworth.” Think like a Harvard kid does, and diversify your portfolio.

Update: The girls have posted an essentially reasonable response to this story on their blog. Incontrovertible bitchiness aside (and we assure you, that won’t go away anytime soon), we know they’re still starry-eyed high school students, and we wouldn’t want to squelch their hopes and dreams. Hey guys, remember hopes and dreams? Yeah, us neither.

  • 0Y5

    Wow. Kids like this are what make Harvard the trash receptacle of the Ivy League. You know you want them, admissions! Let them in so they don’t have to go to their second choice down in New Jersey.

  • RD189

    wow that’s kind of pathetic. i hope it’s a joke..

  • H’12

    Oh dear God. People (overly-ivy-obsessed-high-schoolers) need to chill out and keep things in perspective. This is sad.

  • Jacksmith

    Hahahaha hope these girls get in!

  • AmandaH12

    they’ve obviously got the passion for Harvard if they’re willing to blog about it. And OY5, Harvard is NOT the trash receptacle of the Iyy League. Stop being pissy about not getting in.

    Have a little class.

  • That blog has to be satirical…
    “Quite frankly, every other institution in the world pales in comparison to Harvard’s rich culture, history, and level of academia. What other university can boast that it counts over 40 Nobel Laureates among its alumni along with seven US Presidents? Cat got your tongue? Exactly.”

    Somebody tell them about Oxford and Cambridge.

    • Guest

      …Which do indeed pale in comparison to many US universities, including Harvard, much of the Ivy League, Stanford, MIT, Caltech, etc. Not only do they provide an inferior education when compared to the liberal arts curricula of most American universities, they also produce less important research and scholarship than top US schools like Harvard.

  • aiiight43

    Wait am I the only one who doesn’t see what’s wrong with being obsessed with Harvard?

  • anon2012

    these girls are clearly doing this with a sense of humor. give them a break.

  • john

    wow, this is sad. self achievement/development is a great thing but this is..on a whole new level..these girls just sound like overachievers, but the kind of overachievers who only care about themselves. there are plenty of great schools out there other than harvard girls chill the fuck out.

  • jr44

    wow this is sad. there are plenty of other great schools out there girls chill the fuck out

  • unironic

    “DISCLAIMER: We don’t actually go to Harvard. We also understand what a 6.9% admissions rate means. However we did go to the summer school (which clearly isn’t the same as getting in to the college – we know). We just really love Harvard and are simply exercising our freedom of expression through this “blog” or whatever you’d like to call it.”

    No one doing this ironically would post that disclaimer. Citing your summer school credentials and pretending to accept the realities of a low admissions rate indicates that these girls are serious, and they’ve taken “appreciate and try to see yourself at your first-choice school” to an absurd level. They will likely not get into Harvard (unless the admissions office is naive enough to fall for this gimmick and assume these girls will still like Harvard once they matriculate), and I doubt they’ll take it well.

    • Badabing

      It’s not ironic. Who said this was ironic? Do you know what ironic means?

      Satirical is not the same as ironic, get your vocab down buddy. Also in what way are they pretending to accept the realities? it’s actually really obvious that they’re fully aware that there’s a small chance of getting in. In fact I think letting readers know that they’ve been to Harvard before indicates that they have some idea of what they’re talking about in terms of liking the school.

      Unironic, yous a biotch.

  • 12345

    just let the girls be! they obviously just have high hopes & just wanted to have a little fun on their tumblr. who knows, these girls could actually be rather brilliant with a sense a humor.

  • 12345

    just let the girls be! they obviously just have high hopes & just wanted to have a little fun on their tumblr. who knows, these girls could actually be rather brilliant with a sense a humor.

  • dhd

    may i ask, in all seriousness, why any one of you cares whether or not these girls have a blog describing their love for harvard? or why any one of you feels that it is necessary to post that these girls won’t get into the school? honestly, what bearing does it have on your lives? at what point did it become unacceptable to aspire to great things, to want to go to the “best” school? aren’t there far worse things that these girls could be obsessed about? to be honest, what they did is not so different than what this site or any one of you who has posted on it does each time you click “like” or “post as.” this site is also dedicated to reifying and glorifying the ivy league, and the allure and prestige of harvard and its place in popular culture was enough to attract each and everyone of you to this site and post about it. yes, the girls may not get into harvard. yes, they may need to explore other options. but i would hazard to say that not one of you has spoken to them to actually get a sense of whether or not they have. let them be, let them dream. because who knows, one day they might actually get into harvard.

    • thedude

      this site hates the ivy-league

  • XX

    I know one of these girls in real life as one of my best friends and trust me, they’re not crazy teenagers who naively set their sights on Harvard. They have other options and truly do have a good shot of getting in. She sincerely knows about the low admissions rate and has done her research. In fact, she confesses to me almost everyday how she may not get in. This isn’t just a gimmick to get in, it’s what they care and feel passionately about, and you know what? They’re doing something about it, which is probably more than a lot of you can say. They are brilliant, and both have a sense of humor. Both of them have a dream, so let them keep it. What’s pathetic about having a dream, especially when they consider other schools, and not just Ivy League ones at that? They’re somewhat intelligent and know what they’re doing. How about you actually read the blog and see what’s actually on it and what it actually is? An outlet for two teens to express themselves as well as their hopes and aspirations. So have some class and try to keep your preconceived judgments to yourself.

    -XX

  • Sarah Joe

    Umm. Ya”ll get offended WAYYY to easily! Chill out! Eve Binder was just writing a witty & humorous blog post. Take a chill pill and ENJOY it. Geez.

    • dhb

      i love irony. really? you want people to chill about eve binder’s humorous blog post? what exactly do you think the girls were writing? eve’s attack was unwarranted and in many respects far from humorous.

      • Anonymous

        you are obviously one of the writers of the harvard, please blog.

  • asdfjkl

    this blog is one of the worst things i’ve ever seen on the internet. eve binder, get a life

  • asdfjkl

    hey eve binder, thanks for deleting my fucking comment. so much for your open forum of discussion

    • Anonymous

      So sorry, asdfjkl. I was actually unaware of the deletion–please feel free to rag on me and IvyGate much as you like.

  • asdfjkl

    hey eve binder, thanks for deleting my fucking comment. so much for your open forum of discussion

  • supbros

    i think eve’s point is that they will be really disappointed if/when they get in. harvard undergrad is just like undergrad at any other pretty good school–lots of work.

  • Igor Smerdyakov

    So….is no  one curious if they are, in fact, at Harvard?