Duck and cover, folks: early decision letters are dropping like bombs this week over the homes of high schoolers. Or at least, they are for the Ivy League schools that haven’t abolished ED in the name of making their applicants salivate especially hard fairness. Penn, which released its decisions last Friday, is already reporting a drop in admit rates from 31 to 26 percent. High school students must be getting desperate.

But no one’s as desperate as the two girls responsible for the blog Harvard, Please. We’ll leave their names out of it, but they’re as rabid about getting into Harvard as most teenage girls are about Justin Bieber’s hair. They’ve also discovered Tumblr, which honestly seems to exist solely to channel the manic panics of hormonal teenyboppers. The upshot is a cultlike stream of love letters, Dear Santas, and Mariah Carey reduxes–all of them glorifying the Harvard Quidditch team and the shoe of the John Harvard statue that everybody pees on.

There are really no words to describe it, but we’ll do our best. A few frightening details after the jump.

Let’s start with their motto.

Our lives have been devoted to getting into not simply “college” as these precocious teens commonly declare, but rather a higher institution than college, Harvard.

Harvard: the college equivalent of Sputnik. Maybe we should vote it out of the Ivy League, seeing as how it’s too good for us. And who are the “precocious teens” they’re talking about, exactly? Don’t they want to be part of that group? Note to the Harvard, Please bloggers: there is a little Yes/No box on the Harvard application asking whether the applicant was accepted to Mensa before middle school. You’ll want to check that box.

In case anyone’s wondering why they’ve got Harvard fever, here’s their explanation:

Harvard is more than simply a college, university, or school – it’s a tradition, a deeply rooted and integral part of American history. In our eyes, there is no other institution in the entire country that can even get onto Harvard’s level. Quite frankly, every other institution in the world pales in comparison to Harvard’s rich culture, history, and level of academia. What other university can boast that it counts over 40 Nobel Laureates among its alumni along with seven US Presidents? Cat got your tongue? Exactly.

Next question. Have these girls actually been to Harvard?

And then there’s this, which we might have to sing at the next Harvard-Yale game:

HEY HARVARD.

I LIKE THE THINGS YOU DO.
HEY HARVARD.
IF I COULD I WOULD ATTEND YOU.
YOU’RE THE ONE AND ONLY COLLEGE
WITH THE ONE AND ONLY SWAG
YOU KNOW HOW TO TAKE THE COLLEGE EXPERIENCE AND MAKE IT…
GREAT

HARVARD UNIVERSITY.
IT’S MORE THAN GOOD.
IT’S GREAT

Composer: [name redacted]
All Rights Reserved

Okay, we don’t want to rag on these girls, because our heart goes out to them. Applying to college really blows. But we can’t help but think they’re setting themselves up for a big, big, big, big letdown. It only takes about five minutes to realize that playing on the Harvard Quidditch team is the only thing worse than rubbing that stupid toe. And then in roughly another ten minutes, they’ll realize that they’ll have to spend the next four years talking about humanitarian aid in the Gaza Strip, and the reasons that white truffles are better than black truffles, and why everyone mispronounces “ad infinitum.”

Ladies, a word of serious advice: please don’t apply to a college just because you like saying the word “Wigglesworth.” Think like a Harvard kid does, and diversify your portfolio.

Update: The girls have posted an essentially reasonable response to this story on their blog. Incontrovertible bitchiness aside (and we assure you, that won’t go away anytime soon), we know they’re still starry-eyed high school students, and we wouldn’t want to squelch their hopes and dreams. Hey guys, remember hopes and dreams? Yeah, us neither.