Yale Gnome-Wars Begin
UPDATE:
All friendly-rivalrous satire aside, the gnome has been returned. The author is in Davenport (which should have been clear); his college’s “rival,” Pierson, is — grudgingly — his second-favorite college at the university. He extends his best wishes to all beloved Piersonites.
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In a case of toxic ressentiment, anonymous marauders from Pierson — Yale’s least classy residential College — have stolen their arch-rival Davenport’s beloved mascot and lofted it to an unknown roof. The five-and-a-half foot wood-carved gnome was spirited away sometime last night.
Davenporters are responding by mail-bombing the Pierson panlist– also, enjoying their benevolent/English-speaking Dean, non-sanitorium-white dining hall and high-GPAs.
According to several trusted sources around campus — as well as general consensus — Pierson is one of Yale’s least desirable residential colleges. Their former mascot? “The Slave.” (Yikes.) While Davenport boasts William F. Buckley Jr., Thornton Wilder, Sam Power, and two Presidents among its alumni, Pierson only has Howard “Dean-Scream” Dean and a handful of athletes to show for itself. After running out of space and annexing scores of its unhappy students, the College is on the verge of near-collapse; perhaps this explains this act of anonymous, envious aggression.
