Normally, College Council elections are a painfully dry, pretentious affair–and in the Ivy League, an especially uppity one. Thankfully, this year has been markedly different. Ruthless ambition, big personality, and YouTube debacles have comingled to produce a circus of epic and hilarious proportions. Penn’s 2013 Class Election gave us elbow-throwing politicking, unflattering nicknames, dirty endorsements and a boat-load of lies. Now, as we write, the BMOC’s behind leaky Spring Flings, Movements for Beauty and Justice, and the Yale Daily News are waging war for the Eli vote. We have a Southern Belle, a Cajun Fratboy, and an afro-convert. The campus has been abuzz with the Yale College Council race for a week now, and until 9 tonight, the voting’s on.

The YDN just did its real, pseudo-serious endorsements (since all the candidates have identical platforms, we’re not sure how). Problem is, we think this whole exercise is sort of a sad joke, and the YCC, no more than a glorified events-planning body with less real power than the Math Team. That said, this could be the most hilarious/ridiculous Yale College Council on record; the only one we would want to party with/romance.

So, without further ado, head past the jump for IvyGate’s picks: these are, definitively, the funniest, most buzz-worthy (and maybe even best) candidates for the Yale College Council–the undisputed winners of this absurd carnival of popularity.

CoCo Pannell ’11 for President:

Since she’s on the Ed-Board of the YDN, they couldn’t endorse her. Thank God she’s got an even more legit publication to depend on: IvyGate’s with CoCo. She’s winsome, well-coiffed, high-octane, and probably shouldn’t be running for this position (she’s a Junior). Nevertheless, the charming Coco Pannell has won our hearts with drunken tailgate after drunken tailgate, a bubbly attitude, and good Ol’ Southern Hospitality. Also, the otherwise-likable sophomore boys have made a rather lame showing. In this revealing post, her DKE brother competitor proclaims his own Spring Fling “the best thing the YCC has ever done,” while the other guy (the baby home-video one) says that “nobody cares about the YCC” because there are too many “EP&E [Ethics, Politics, and Economics] majors” on it. Well, not only is he wrong (I can’t count any on the current YCC), but EP&E is my major. CoCo’s explanation? “YCC is self-important.” Win.

The sophomores have struck us as careerist; CoCo strikes everyone as bodacious. And she belayed concerns about her wackiness with this classy, well-produced campaign video. You made 50 Most Beautiful, you made PiPhi fun, you made our hearts leap. Now CoCo, make the YCC glam again, and lead Yale into a bronzed and buxom future.

Justine Kolata ’12 for Vice President

Admittedly, we’ve been hard on this nutty Beauty and Justice pioneer in the past. After all, in a Kerry-like move, she did switch from the YCC Vice-Presidential race to Junior Class Council and back again. But much of the absurdity behind her bunny-waving, meadow-dancing, flip-flopping antics is exactly what makes this international model the perfect candidate for YCC VP. If College Council Presidency is dry and useless, then the Vice-Presidency is the Sahara. This crazed, dance-happy, beauty-loving Emma-McCune-aspirant is a total original, and would probably turn the YCC into some kind of bacchanalian ball-pit or Hair-reenactment. She’s got grand, utopian ambitions and a boatload of energy. And who else but Justine would have the nerve to appear in her competitor’s campaign poster:

Oh yeah, and she’s also been on Rumpus‘ 50 Most Beautiful list. A Pannell/Kolata ticket would be nothing short of epic… and uber-feminist. If you’re still not sold, check out her cunningly self-aware and ironic campaign video. And remember, as its song’s lyrics suggest, “Don’t trust a ho.”

Colin Adamo ’10 for Treasurer:

The Pundit ran as a joke/pre-tap punishment last year, and lost in a runoff by only a handful of votes–after publicly telling everyone not to vote for him. That says something. The prankster’s not actually running again this year (you know, because he’s graduating) but we encourage you to write him in. Here’s last year’s campaign video:

Taylor Vaughn-Lasley ’12 for Events Director:

Her own Yale Daily News, for which she serves as a Staff Reporter, declined to endorse her (ouch). But this go-getter, Theta socialite and a-capella allstar–who worked at Forbes *swoon*–has a slogan that gels with me just fine: “Work Hard. Play Hard.” Her competitor, Michael Chao, uses the Obama font in his campaign posters–so passe. He says he created the surveys that led to the selection of MGMT for Spring Fling; that means he also created the surveys that led to the selection of misogynist nontalents the Ying Yang Twinz; and that means he is responsible for MGMT’s shock cancellation! So vote Taylor; she’s cool.—————————–

Michael Knowles ’12 for Junior Class Council President

Yes: we’ve saved the best (and least objective) for last. Michael Knowles is among the classiest and most talented individuals at Yale; a pianist/guitarist/Sitar-virtuoso, theatrical savant, politico and BMOC-par-excellence. He’s romanced more women and smoked more cigars than most Congressmen, and has more leadership experience than, really, any other candidate in any of the races. The Junior Class council is unashamedly a party-throwing body: JV Feb Club, Lube Wrestling, tailgates, etc. While his competitors have utopian, ridiculously expansive visions for the role (Mental health services for all of Yale? Manna from the sky?) and zero experience to back them up, Knowles takes a realistic approach. He wants to throw excellent parties and keep it real, advocating for Junior needs with his trademark charm. All biases aside, Knowles gets it. Nothing bothers us more than disingenuous, pretentious, promise-the-world Student Council campaigning, exemplified by his competitors. In his words,

I am not going to lie to you about the structure of this organization to get your votes. I know that promising the world will make my election easier, but it would be nothing but dishonest. University-wide initiatives like gender-neutral housing, Credit/D/Fail policies, and health services have no place as the primary focus of a class-specific council. If candidates truly wish to focus on broad issues that will cost time and money, they should instead run for an office in YCC proper.

Boom goes the dynamite. Knowles’ focus–as every YCC candidate’s should be–is “outrageous events.” And if they’re half as outrageous as this ridiculous campaign video, this could be the best Junior Class Council on record:

So there’s the spread. Pannell, Kolata, Adamo*, Vaughn-Lasley, Knowles. Oh, we forgot UOFC Chair and Secretary? Well… Yale forgot to make any of these positions matter.

Thank God Ivy League College Council races are silly, personality-driven, and absurd enough that we here at IvyGate can cover them. It’s all fanfare: sound and fury, ludicrous, meaningless. That said, there may come a day when institutional rearrangement will render student voices heard amidst our rich-white-guy-run Ivory Towers; a day when College Councils will furnish more than the illusion of representation. Until then, let’s enjoy our unfair-yet-hilarious political circus while it lasts.

Editor’s Note: As the author attends Yale, this election post was fairly easy to report. If you would like IvyGate to cover the absurd antics of College-Council candidates at your college, please don’t hesitate to tip us. There’s plenty of Internet space to go around.