‘The Onion’ Thinks Cornell is a Smart-People School

A witty article on the Onion‘s site takes on Cornell’s performance in the NCAA tournament (which, y’know, ended last night with a loss to Kentucky). “It’d be foolish to ascribe any of the properties of a pan-dimensional function space to the NCAA Tournament,” begins the fictional version of Jeff Foote, Cornell center, before going on a stemwinding philosophical treatise. We’re reminded that as much as the differences between Princeton and Cornell seem glaring (I don’t know if any Ivy Leaguer would say Cornell’s known for its poindexters), it all looks the same to the wider world.

Although the Onion got one thing right about Cornell: “Foote excused himself after the interview upon receiving a fifth rejection-of-transfer letter from Harvard.”

  • Slt10T

    Heheh, oh Cornell, it thinks it’s people!

  • Slt10T

    Heheh, oh Cornell, it thinks it’s people!

  • Big words from a little man

    Going to an Ivy League school gets you big accolades even if you major in an intellectually vacuous area of study like English or American studies.

  • Big words from a little man

    Going to an Ivy League school gets you big accolades even if you major in an intellectually vacuous area of study like English or American studies.

  • dartmouth

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL THIS IS WHY I KEEP COMING HERE ITS 4 THE NONSTOP LAFF RIOT.

  • dartmouth

    LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL THIS IS WHY I KEEP COMING HERE ITS 4 THE NONSTOP LAFF RIOT.

  • pton13

    relative to the ncaa tourney, it arguably is a ‘smart people’ school.

  • pton13

    relative to the ncaa tourney, it arguably is a ‘smart people’ school.

  • cornell

    im sick of people saying cornell isnt smart. it may not be as selective because its larger, but its twice as hard. we work for our grades, which are rarely A’s. because unlike Harvard we dont give away grades to make our students, and our students’ fathers happy. Think about what youre saying before you talk shit about Cornell. do you think youre hurtful comments, mixed with the academic pressure, and ridiculously low class means have nothing to do with the suicides?

    and, since were talking about basketball here…at least we can play sports. Harvard, you dont suck at rowing, congrats. and you have a few decent athletes in other sports. JP O’Connor. your swim/dive teams. good stuff. everything else blows

    yale-eh youre acceptable in some sports, not good, not the best, but youre okay

    princeton- you can swim. you used to be able to play basketball. you cant do much of anything else.

    upenn- lacrosse

    columbia, dartmouth, brown-stop trying

    Cornell- wrestling, basketball, hockey, lacrosse, gymnastics, track

  • cornell

    im sick of people saying cornell isnt smart. it may not be as selective because its larger, but its twice as hard. we work for our grades, which are rarely A’s. because unlike Harvard we dont give away grades to make our students, and our students’ fathers happy. Think about what youre saying before you talk shit about Cornell. do you think youre hurtful comments, mixed with the academic pressure, and ridiculously low class means have nothing to do with the suicides?

    and, since were talking about basketball here…at least we can play sports. Harvard, you dont suck at rowing, congrats. and you have a few decent athletes in other sports. JP O’Connor. your swim/dive teams. good stuff. everything else blows

    yale-eh youre acceptable in some sports, not good, not the best, but youre okay

    princeton- you can swim. you used to be able to play basketball. you cant do much of anything else.

    upenn- lacrosse

    columbia, dartmouth, brown-stop trying

    Cornell- wrestling, basketball, hockey, lacrosse, gymnastics, track

  • dartmouth

    Stop trying what? To send Olympians around the world and bring back gold medals? Cuz, like, we do that all the time.

    Don’t let IvyGate get you down, cornell 11:26, the editors are total cunts.

  • dartmouth

    Stop trying what? To send Olympians around the world and bring back gold medals? Cuz, like, we do that all the time.

    Don’t let IvyGate get you down, cornell 11:26, the editors are total cunts.

  • Michael Matthews

    I agree with cornell 11:26 its article like this that contribute to the stress of students. While I mostly enjoy the satirical commentary on this site, even when it’s at the expense of Cornell, this article came off a little to caustic and dismissive. Additionally, the onion article seems to be written from the perspective of an engineering major, and Cornell has the top engineering program in the Ivy League.

  • Michael Matthews

    I agree with cornell 11:26 its article like this that contribute to the stress of students. While I mostly enjoy the satirical commentary on this site, even when it’s at the expense of Cornell, this article came off a little to caustic and dismissive. Additionally, the onion article seems to be written from the perspective of an engineering major, and Cornell has the top engineering program in the Ivy League.

  • cu

    wow pton13 be more of a douche

  • cu

    wow pton13 be more of a douche

  • Tweedman

    There is no doubt Cornell was a national obsession, and all the rest of the schools seemed like fillers for the ivy league while Cornell enjoyed unobstructed and total superiority. Seriously, who gave a shit about all the others during march madness, and WHO REALLY GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ALL THE OTHER POSTS?!!!! Its unfortunate but that’s what seems to happen when an ivy gets into the sweet sixteen (which practically speaking never happens. The media goes bonkers over this shit, and it will be seared into peoples mind for a very very long time. Ivygate people didn’t fall for that temptation, I applaud that. (ivygate is still a shitty excuse for a blog though)Sorry guys, Cornell is red hot right now, rankings are not synonymous with glamor unfortunately. Dartmouth did well in the Olympics so don’t talk trash on Dartmouth. (And who the hell is an American Studies major? is that like a real major? lol I’d like to know more, someone fill me in)

  • Tweedman

    There is no doubt Cornell was a national obsession, and all the rest of the schools seemed like fillers for the ivy league while Cornell enjoyed unobstructed and total superiority. Seriously, who gave a shit about all the others during march madness, and WHO REALLY GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ALL THE OTHER POSTS?!!!! Its unfortunate but that’s what seems to happen when an ivy gets into the sweet sixteen (which practically speaking never happens. The media goes bonkers over this shit, and it will be seared into peoples mind for a very very long time. Ivygate people didn’t fall for that temptation, I applaud that. (ivygate is still a shitty excuse for a blog though)Sorry guys, Cornell is red hot right now, rankings are not synonymous with glamor unfortunately. Dartmouth did well in the Olympics so don’t talk trash on Dartmouth. (And who the hell is an American Studies major? is that like a real major? lol I’d like to know more, someone fill me in)

  • Hangover,NH

    I’m sorry…how many winter olympians did you have?

    Also…soccer,baseball, rugby, our women’s lax has done alright so far…I’ll admit football season is ugly, but Dartmouth isn’t completely useless at sports.

  • Hangover,NH

    I’m sorry…how many winter olympians did you have?

    Also…soccer,baseball, rugby, our women’s lax has done alright so far…I’ll admit football season is ugly, but Dartmouth isn’t completely useless at sports.

  • y10

    @cornell

    are you really blaming the onion and ivygate for student suicides?

    guess those fences won’t be much help.

  • y10

    @cornell

    are you really blaming the onion and ivygate for student suicides?

    guess those fences won’t be much help.

  • H ’07

    Cornell actually arguably wasn’t the best school left in the tourney; many people would consider Duke a stronger school, and Stanford has fielded plenty of good teams over the years. (Though, of course, rankings are bunk.) I think what gives Cornell the nerd cred is that their athletes are non-scholarship, which creates the impression that they’re primarily about school, unlike the players at every other school in the tourney.

    Also, this post tries to be funny by suggesting that Cornell is the mouth-breathing weak sister of the other Ivies, but it mostly just comes across as asinine. And, frankly, the criticism is a little weird coming from a Columbia kid.

  • H ’07

    Cornell actually arguably wasn’t the best school left in the tourney; many people would consider Duke a stronger school, and Stanford has fielded plenty of good teams over the years. (Though, of course, rankings are bunk.) I think what gives Cornell the nerd cred is that their athletes are non-scholarship, which creates the impression that they’re primarily about school, unlike the players at every other school in the tourney.

    Also, this post tries to be funny by suggesting that Cornell is the mouth-breathing weak sister of the other Ivies, but it mostly just comes across as asinine. And, frankly, the criticism is a little weird coming from a Columbia kid.

  • Annoyed Harvard Student

    Perhaps, we might step back from the situation for a minute to consider:

    What is so bad about tried and true? What principles of curricula built the reputation of our esteemed institution? What exactly is wrong with the educational system that fostered the brilliant minds behind the founding and progress of our nation? (Tricolon Crescens for good measure, in case the rhetorical wit of my post is also subjected to vivisection.)

    Yes, I will “come out” and admit it. I too am a Classics concentrator. But that does not mean that I solely constrain myself to translating “Euro-Centric” literature. In fact, Classics encompasses women’s studies, slavery, and ethnic concerns.

    Did the article go too far? Maybe. Yet it is certainly valid to question Harvard’s allocation of resources in times of financial instability.

  • Annoyed Harvard Student

    Perhaps, we might step back from the situation for a minute to consider:

    What is so bad about tried and true? What principles of curricula built the reputation of our esteemed institution? What exactly is wrong with the educational system that fostered the brilliant minds behind the founding and progress of our nation? (Tricolon Crescens for good measure, in case the rhetorical wit of my post is also subjected to vivisection.)

    Yes, I will “come out” and admit it. I too am a Classics concentrator. But that does not mean that I solely constrain myself to translating “Euro-Centric” literature. In fact, Classics encompasses women’s studies, slavery, and ethnic concerns.

    Did the article go too far? Maybe. Yet it is certainly valid to question Harvard’s allocation of resources in times of financial instability.

  • Douglas

    @Annoyed Harvard Student: Are you lost?

  • Douglas

    @Annoyed Harvard Student: Are you lost?

  • ’10

    What a learned Foote!

  • ’10

    What a learned Foote!