Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the most sexually healthy of all? Well, according to Trojan, which just released its annual Sexual Health Report Card, it’s not any of us debauched Ivy Leaguers. Its 2009 report, which ranks 141 colleges nationwide on such scintillating criteria as “the availability of sexual health resources and information,” yielded a few unpleasant surprises.

After surveys, polling, and health-center analysis, the (wait for it) South Carolina Gamecocks emerged victorious (Go Cocks!). The venerable Ivies—perhaps reaching ED age—did not fare as well in the sensuality department.

Sex-starved Columbia, who last year claimed the Ivy copulation-crown with a silver medal second place finish, fell to fourth, and orgy-planning Cornell, from third to eighth. Prostitutin’-Penn took a nosedive from 21st to 45th, condom-condemning Princeton dropped from 29th to 61st, and Lena-Chening Harvard (sexually healthy to say the least), from 25th to 62nd. Ouch…

This is pretty troubling, especially as Yale administrators publicly attempt to “strengthen the resolve of those who are dedicated to finding just the right words that would lead to glorious and consensual sex”(true story); glorious and consensual maybe, but unhealthy? We in the Ivy League have more sex than just about anybody outside California’s 27th District. Maybe those loser abstinence-only nerds were right… We’re headed for disaster! Time to jump the sex-ship Ivy Leaguers; save your junk while you still can!

But wait!: good news, and the full Trojan Sexual Health list–with criteria and 2008/2009 comparisons–after the jump.

Turns out it’s not all fumbling, embarrassment and awkwardness for the Ivies. Brown–perhaps inspired by the innocent, waif-like beauty of new frosh Emma “Hermione” Watson–rose to the occasion, from 17th in 2008 to 9th in 2009. Even more meteoric, impressive tumescence from Yale (41st to 15th) and Dartmouth (68th to 19th) left Trojan moaning for more. After all, Yale has its famous “Sex Week” (stay tuned, it’s coming soon), and Dartmouth, its less-famous but more arousing-sounding “Sex Festival.” Looks like we got some love from the glove-sellers after all.

And never fear, Columbia, Cornell, Penn, Princeton, and Harvard, you can always make like good frustrated aristocrats and call bullshit on these ruffians. On what are you condom-slinging rabble-rousers judging us ivory-towerites?

Sexual Health Report Card Categories

1. Student opinion of health center; 2. Health center hours of operation; 3. Availability of patient drop-in vs. appointment only; 4. Availability of separate sexual awareness program; 4. Contraceptive availability and cost; 6. Condom availability and cost; 7. HIV testing, cost and locality (on- vs. off-campus); 8. Other STI testing, cost and locality (on- vs. off-campus); 9. Availability of anonymous advice via email / newspaper column; 10. Existence of lecture / outreach programs; 11. Existence of student peer groups; 12. Availability of sexual assault program; 13. Website usability and functionality

Whatever happened to ‘likelihood to put out’ or ‘sexile-quotient’? Besides, Trojan, if it’s bad, why does it feel so, so good? Why wear a raincoat in the shower? After so many years of blue-blooded, country-club sexual repression, we revel in our licentiousness. In the immortal words of poet and philosopher Mims, this is why we’re hot.

Overall Trojan Sexual Health Report Card Rankings