Outgoing Harvard Crimson Staffers Send Mother of All Eff-You Emails
If your ears are burning right now, it’s because a) you work at the Harvard Crimson and someone was just writing about you, or b) you are literally any other human being on the planet and your ears are burning anyway because the SEARING FLAMES of this BURN EMAIL are just that scorching hot.
Also, really gross!
IvyGate got an email last week from a Harvard tipster — he/she asked to go by the informer name “The Chimney” — with the text of an absolute screed that some outgoing staffers at the Crimson allegedly sent the entire business board. All the names have been redacted out (please, no guesses in the comments! srsly) … and thank John Harvard for that. Here is my tally of the sex acts, etc., mentioned within:
- hand jobs: 2 (?)
- circle jerks: 1
- group fistings: 1
- castrations (figurative!): 1
- poles up asses: 1
Oh, and there is an acrostic poem and some talk of people management skills.
Okay, before we get to the big reveal, a rule to abide: no names in the comments! That is like kind of a rule from now on!
Full email after the jump. Can print newspapers please not die, so we can keep seeing crazybombs like this?
———- Forwarded message ———-
From: []
Date: Wed, 2 Dec 2009 17:53:52 -0500
Subject: Open Letter to the 136
To: []Dear 136,
As you approach the time when you are stepping down from your positions, we will not lie that there is a collective sigh of relief and joy out of every single person in the board (except for maybe –, though that may be unclear, since he can’t express much emotion anyways).
I’m sure you guys are not surprised to learn that you were epically unpopular, as you probably were for most of your pre and post-pubescent lives. Although the power trip of weeks past may have given you a slight feeling of euphoria, let us assure you, as you go forth in life, you will still be losers and nerds and weirdoes.
But we digress. The more important issue here is not how much you stroke eachother’s egos (or dicks for that matter – that includes you, –, – that’s two now, right? — and –? Do I hear a threesome – then you get your chocolate and your vanilla in one Sunday [sic]), instead, how you have left the biz board an atrocious mess that rivals that of –’s puke on — during Grand Elections. We have written an acrostic poem below to further expound upon our discontentment a la Governor Schwarzenegger:
F uck you.
U gly – Yeah yeah you ugly
C um – after your circle jerks you have together, all over –’s face
K ill – the action you performed upon the only institution that has ever
accepted youY ellow Fever – What half of you have, you sick fucks.
O h – oh, oh, oh, the screams of –’s orgasm from group-fisting heard
from the Quad during deliberations
U surp – the only thing that can save The Crimson nowIn all seriousness, your short-sighted, insular, narcissistic mindset has damaged the culture, atmosphere, retention, and recruitment of the business. You concentrated on numbers, numbers, numbers – but just wait until we see more red because no one wants to work for an organization that lacks any humanistic qualities or fun. You have been to enough recruiting events from top firms in the country – what do they always emphasize? The people. If you had had the business acumen you purport to supposedly have, you would have realized the intangible social aspects of the board and how they affect revenue and long-term sustainability. Perhaps we cannot blame you because social skills are not your forte, however, we will forever bear the burden of the poor choice you have made as your legacy; the 136 is now a punch-line, for a pathetic joke of a year.
We’re glad you got your goodies and got off to “cutting” people and wielding “power” over a student club. Congratulations. Wait for the real world, where people will see you for the pathetic, greedy, sycophantic slugs you are. Well you’ve effectively castrated The Crimson of it’s culture – now chew on the testicles that you’ve cut off…thank you, 136, for your true dedication to The Crimson and history will NOT absolve you.
Do not try to attribute this to the work of one person – your witch hunts further reinforce your patheticness and make public your incompetence to even appease the people who “work under you” – except for –, who truly
works under –. We hope your take-away from this is not a bitter tirade from sore losers (in fact part of the undersigned are newly-elected managers), but instead a truthful letter as to the nature you have left an
organization we all genuinely cared about (of course, with some humorous, albeit still truthful, puns). Though you have handed down to us little, we will be sure to speak to your legacy as tyrannical, egotistical, and
bastardly.If we were you, we wouldn’t think to step foot back in The Crimson after you have vacated the premises, for we assure you, the atmosphere will not be one of welcoming embrace. We feel it is only fair to give you a rebuttal and chance to clear your mind and legacy – feel free to reply to this email.
(Dis)respectfully Submitted,
X
Word Count: 646 (foot pole up your ass)
Drop-down: –’s forever-flaccid penis
–
Sent from my mobile device
Update: This thing is like that thing!
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December 8th, 2009 at 1:44 am
Oh man. I know the people who wrote this. Most of them didn’t get the positions they wanted in shoot (they didn’t work particularly hard) and decided to pen this bitter screed in response. After reading it, I think it’s pretty clear how goddamn prescient it was not to elect these sorry sorry people to leadership positions.
December 8th, 2009 at 1:54 am
The 136 does suck – a bunch of wannabe wall street cunt hairs – good for whomever wrote it.
I also want to blaze with The Chimney
December 8th, 2009 at 1:57 am
It’s The Harvard Crimson, the The should always be capitalized.
December 8th, 2009 at 2:03 am
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA Thanks whoever wrote this. I can’t guess at the names, and this was the hardest I’ve laughed in several years.
December 8th, 2009 at 2:10 am
They’re not Wall Street “wannabes,” they’re actually GOING to Wall Street. The people who wrote this actually were guilty of many of the charges they laid – for example, destroying the culture of The Crimson. They are the ones responsible and now The Crimson has to build from the ground zero left by this group of so-called editors. If anyone is guilty of the charges akin in nature to the ones laid out in this email, the writers are, not the 136.
December 8th, 2009 at 2:19 am
The fact that they may be going to wall street does not take away the fact that they have put robots as their successors.
AMAZING LETTER. Totally agree with whoever wrote it. SO GREAT!!!
December 8th, 2009 at 2:25 am
And I’m that good shit.
The Chimney and his/her ilk are clearly potheads. LOSERS.
December 8th, 2009 at 2:38 am
Since when were pot-heads losers. Go back to planet pot-does-not-exist-in-ever-facet-of-college-life. Maybe you’re the LOSER. LOSER.
December 8th, 2009 at 4:30 am
i feel like this letter could go to ivygate’s staff too………..
December 8th, 2009 at 5:28 am
Am I missing something, or did you guys just resume posting without an introduction explaining who the hell is running the blog now? Also, might want to start updating the nearly 3 month-old Twitter posts, since you’ve got 400 people following you there.
December 8th, 2009 at 8:38 am
If any of the writers were present at Grand Elections, they would see that the newly elected manager class are not a bunch of robots, but a group of fun people who are hardworking and dedicated to The Crimson. Just because the don’t go to the same parties as you doesn’t make them boring people. Also, I’m pretty sure that people are not elected based off of how much “culture” that they bring to the board but rather how competent they are.
I’m sorry you lost.
December 8th, 2009 at 11:37 am
The set-up to this letter needs more clarification. The letter is confusing. What’s the “business board”? Alums? Benefactors? Students? What does “!36″ mean?
December 8th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
My favorite part of this email? The “Sent from my mobile device” at the bottom. The thought of someone writing an email like that on a Blackberry or iPhone is itself hilarious.
December 8th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
It was forwarded from a mobile device.
December 8th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
College boys are so adorable. The childlike rage, the clumsy prose, the oooo-dirty words, the homophobia. Plus the fact they think this is (a) important and (b) a meaningful way to address conflict. Can’t wait til these guys are running the world.
December 8th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Why do you assume that a boy wrote it? Also, where is the homophobia?
December 8th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Looks like the same old, same old in the business board. Too bad they’re so busy infighting instead of trying to bring The Crimson back to its glory years in the late 90’s / early 2000’s.
December 8th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
Man, the thing that sticks out to me from this is that Harvard students can’t spell or punctuate. And these are the ones who are pretending to be journalists.
December 10th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
i be a old-time hot-type print editor (refired in 1976, thanks hou chron) and i red this and i be shock-ed, appall-ed and also too, i be laffing my hiney-end off-ten. sham on you would-be, wanna-be chroniclers of stuff.
December 10th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
The really ridiculous part of this post is the incoherent intro to it. Bobby Fineman, you write like you’re in a huge hurry to get somewhere but remembered to put on the “bold words….but only sometimes and not with any kind of intent” feature. Are you somebody on Ivy Gate’s apparently small staff’s ADHDed-out little brother? This writing gives me a headache.
December 11th, 2009 at 2:38 am
“you purport to supposedly have”
REDUNDANT
harvardpwnd