So warns Jesse Morrell, the 25-year old mini-preacher who has descended on the fair streets of New Haven, spitting fire and brimstone, and railing against good old-fashioned Ivy League debauchery. For the past few days, Yale—famed for its freshman-girl objectification skillz, abortion art projects, naked parties, and special fondness for gay sex—has played a sassy host to the madman, decked out in a sandwich board and asking passersby to friend him on Facebook.
Asked if he has a day job, Morrell responds:
Jesus sends me money through PayPal.
Regarding his sexuality:
I love a man whose blood isn’t HIV-positive: Jesus!
Regarding Yale’s classy young ladies:
Why would you open a brothel in New Haven when the sorority girls are giving it away for free?!
Can you believe this guy’s a virgin?? Also, FYI, he claims to have forgone masturbation since his rebirth into Christianity. That explains a lot. Video, pics and homoeroticism after the jump.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published under the wrong name. The snarky prose is actually that of Alex Klein, a new contributor, not Adam Clark Estes, a handsome fellow.
Yale students apparently love hearing about their own moral bankruptcy. Smart-alecks are showing up in the hundreds to laugh at and heckle the diminutive holy man, and he’s loving it. (Is attention-whoring a sin?) Morrell fires back with stories of his own rough upbringing on the mean streets of Cheshire, Conn., “8 mile”-style.
During his Thursday sermon, he claimed that before his salvation, he had won over 20 street-fights, partaken in and sold a boatload of drugs, made multiple trips to the slammer, and received near-daily fellatio. Oh, and he says this all happened before the age of 16. I wish my middle-school years had been that interesting.
All in all, it seems that Morrell’s visits are pretty much just giving Yalies an excuse to revel in their own depravity. On Thursday, two of them gave the preacher a show of his own, leaping out of the crowd and into each other’s arms for a sloppy gay makeout sesh. Clothes were ripped off, asses grabbed, and hell-fire preachers horrified (but probably aroused). The sodomites—one is “straight,” the other, “bisexual” (thanks, Ivy League hetero-ambiguity)—are rumored to be members of Yale’s prank society, the Pundits, who earlier that day had sent an email to the entire school warning of escaped lab monkeys, and then making good on their promise.
One Pundit in an ape costume invaded classrooms, while an angry 5’2” Christian dwarf in a herringbone cap told me to stop having sex. Gays, monkeys, and eternal damnation? Those $50,000 dollars a year: definitely money well spent.
Thank you, Yale Daily News, for being multimedia savvy:
OK Jesse. Be more specific. This is Yale—these words could apply to many.
Lo: my facial hair shalt scare thee into submission.
Yale: headed to Hell and proud of it. What else is new?