Introducing “Ask the IvyGate R.A.”: the IvyGate Advice Column
[Knock, knock.]
Jesus! Dude! You scared the shit out of me. Come on in, though. I JUST packed a prime-ass bowl, you want in? I eviscerated the shit out of my semiotics exam, and this is due me. Big time. Seriously dude, just push that Heroic Portrait Statuary and Are Women Human? stuff off that chair and pull 'er up. Oh, and can you put that towel back? Yeah, wedge it under there. Thanks. Do you want half a pizza bagel?
Christ, I regret this R.A. gig more every day. I mean, no offense! You're OK. It just never ends, all you guys streaming in here for advice... "How do I get out of my exam?" "Should I major in linguistics?" "It burns, what do I do, it's like peeing sriracha!" It's like, solve your own damn problems!
BUT I guess it's a classic prisoner's dilemma, am I right? They don't exactly give you a discount on tuition once you hit year five, so I gotta keep you guys nice and fluffed to get that free housing. So go ahead, man, lay it on me.
What? That's your question? Are you fucking-- am I being punked? Are you punking me right now?! "I want to join the aikido team, but I'm worried about how much they're going to haze me"? Relax, friendo. Nobody hazes for shit anymore, they're all way too paranoid about the video winding up on Dateline. And besides, we all grew up in schools that banned tag, and forbade teachers from grading in red pen. We are far too sheltered and boring to inflict even halfway decent hazing. Aikido away, wussy grasshopper. (But I guess the first couple of times you hang out with those guys, it wouldn't hurt to eat a big foundation of pre-boozefest food like bacon cheeseburgers and fries.)
Now scram! I've had it! No more barging into my room! From now on, if anyone can't figure their own life out for their own damn overeducated self, they're going to have to email me at asktheivygateRA@ivygateblog.com. And they better include some clever-ass sign-off names like they do in advice columns, so I can protect the shit out of their anonymity. And they'd BETTER write! Otherwise I might probably make up the letters the first time around until enough people notice and send in real ones! I bet the topics range from all types of shit, from classes to sex to keg etiquette. (The gentleman pumps, the lady dispenses.) Wait, did they ever have an advice column in the Degrassi Grapevine? If you need me I'll be at SurfTheChannel...
Fire away!
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November 4th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I thought only state schools had RAs…
November 4th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
My advice to y10 is to stop being an asshole.
Next! This is going to be easier than I thought.
November 4th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
But I thought part of IvyGate’s mission was to make fun of such things. Clearly one of us is in the wrong place. It’s a sad day when one can’t even be an anonymous douchebag on IvyGate anymore. Where’s the fun in that? Le sigh.
November 4th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
Columbia has RAs
November 5th, 2009 at 1:10 am
Women attract men by wearing blush and lipstick to make themselves appear sexually aroused, but when I put a squash in my pants no one will make eye contact with me. What gives?
Pitch’d Tent in Princeton
November 5th, 2009 at 2:14 am
@y10: As I’ve always understood it, IvyGate’s mission is to make fun of people who make fun of such things.
This reminds me of season one of Mad Men. Pete harrasses Peggy, and Don says:
Go ahead, keep up the state school jokes. But no one will like you.
November 5th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Much as I respect Don Draper…
…now you’re just wrong. And you should thank me. God knows nobody else is going to give you material.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
You’re both wrong. IvyGate was at it’s best when it made fun of everything (except for swine-flu deaths — fuck you, again) — including crap student advice columns in crap student papers. IvyGate has jumped the shark, becoming what it once derided so very well.
Today, IvyGate is little more than a private circle-jerk to which we’re all bemused spectators.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
@y10 Cornell has RA’s. And no, we are not a state school.
November 5th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Don’t have RAs. The downfall of this blog has been sad to witness.
November 5th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Is it bad that D ’07’s comment left me somewhat aroused?
-At Half Mast
November 6th, 2009 at 12:22 am
No thanks, on that bowl.
Moi ain’t been high since ‘81 but those northern calie buzz bombs sure were bad arse, indeed.
November 6th, 2009 at 12:49 am
cornell is a disgrace to the ivy league. at least you make dartmouth look good.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:50 am
dartmouth doesn’t have RAs but we have UGAs, which is the equivalent. except they get paid jack and don’t get free room and board. sucks.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
@cornell?
Dartmouth: #1 in undergraduate education, according to your precious USN&WR rankings.
Go to HYP for grad school; as colleges, they’re a joke.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:45 pm
At Brown, we not only have RAs, but we also have woman aids and racial aids (I couldn’t tell you for the life of me what their acronyms are)… we’re just that special… haha… not really, but it makes you think what we need all this advice for? But it’s Cornell with the highest suicide rate right?
November 6th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
@allimba: ehh… I think you mean assistants or counselors (we had two RC’s in my unit)? I don’t think the High-Five is gender specific.
November 7th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Harvard grad school is a joke, actually.
-Penn ‘09, Harvard ‘11
November 7th, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Well, that’s actually “undergraduate teaching,” not “undergraduate education,” the difference between which you hopefully see. And P and Y are 2 and 3 — not really a “joke.”
November 13th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
At princeton, we only have Preceptors thank you very much,