It's week 2 of the IvySports Roundup, and what a week it was. The IOC's choice for host of the 2016 Olympics made Brazil's president cry and real Americans happy. TV ratings for certain shows skyrocketed due to imagined nudity and sex with employees. And Ithaca was invaded by yet another rapidly-spreading infection, although this one was much more delicious.

Of course none of that has to do with Ivy League sports, so let's hurry up and get to the countdown. Here's the previous roundup if you want to know where the schools ranked last week. But if you read that, you're living in the past. Things are different now man, so get with the program. Start living in the now. After all, tomorrow is just your future yesterday.

1. Columbia

Holds (insanely huge) bragging rights (for decades to come) over: Princeton

Columbia football hasn't had a winning record in the Ivy League since Rocko's Modern Life was on TV. Princeton is only 3 years removed from winning the league title. And even though the two schools were picked to finish 5th and 6th in the Ancient Eight this year, not even the Mayans could have predicted the 38-0 scoreline the Lions laid on the Tigers--a level of destruction not seen outside of Roland Emmerich movies. (Coincidently 38-0 is the range your IQ needs to be in for you to enjoy a Roland Emmerich movie.) In the league opener for both schools, Columbia left New Jersey with their largest margin of victory since 1972 and their first in-league road shutout since 1961. Lions quarterback Millicent "The Magnificent" Olawale ran for a touchdown and threw for two more, while cornerback Jared Morine had a 51-yard pick six.

One might say that calling this game utter destruction is an exaggeration since the stats are actually very close and the game only got out of hand in the fourth quarter where the Lions scored three of their five touchdowns. And to that we say shut up Princeton Athletic Department's writeup of the game, because none of that matters. What's important is that Princeton, traditionally near the top of the Ivy League in almost all sports, was completely blown out by the "perennial pushover" Columbia Lions. It was a such a humiliating loss that in order for the Daily Princetonian to find a silver lining, they had to reach back to 1890--you know, before the forward pass was legal. This is the event that will bring Princeton and its fans down a peg for years to come. So remember fellow Ivy Leaguers, the next time the Princeton band shows up at your school for a game and starts acting like the dickweeds they are, just walk up and politely remind them about the day their beloved Tigers lost 38-0 to Columbia at home. There is no comeback.

The rest of the schools follow the jump.

2. Penn

Holds bragging rights over: Dartmouth

If it wasn't for Columbia's epic performance, the Quakers would most likely have been number 1 this week. In Saturday's other Ivy League football contest, Penn topped Dartmouth 30-24 in Hanover for their first win of 2009. With the wet conditions and their starting quarterback injured, the Quakers adopted the strategy of It's the Running Game, Stupid (IRGS) to a tune of 288 yards on the ground. Elsewhere, Penn women's soccer pipped both Cornell and Army, women's volleyball swept Princeton, and women's golf won the ECAC title. Huh, that was a very quick collegiate women's golf season. We didn't even know it started.

3. Brown

Holds bragging rights over: Columbia

After two weeks of near misses, Bears football finally picked up their first win of the season, 28-20 over Rhode Island to win the Governor's Cup. Wide receiver Buddy Farnham is the second-most popular person on campus this week (it's impossible to be number one anymore) after an epic performance of 274 all-purpose yards and two touchdown catches that has earned him various accolades. Meanwhile, Brown's men's and women's soccer teams beat Columbia this weekend. But all of those sports are now going to have to take a backseat because the big game on campus has kicked off its schedule. That's right, it's equestrian season! Woooooo! We can't wait to hear what the equestrian hooligans have come up with this year. "Is that your horse or did you put a saddle on your mom!" Ah, fans.

4. Dartmouth

Holds bragging rights over: Harvard

Okay, we'll admit we haven't been too open to reporting on the sport of rugby in the past. In fact, we seem to recall pissing off the entire Dartmouth rugby team. In most cases when we anger a person or group for something we wrote here in the IvySports Roundup, we don't give two shits. However, this is something we actually feel bad about. As such, the IvySports Roundup is going to retract its previous comment about college rugby only being made up of athletes not good enough to make the football team. In addition, we're putting the powerhouse of Ivy League rugby in the final top-half slot in this week's rankings, despite how much their football team sucks.

What made us change our minds? It turns out that 2009 marks the first year that the Ivy League's rugby clubs are playing each other in a league format. Despite our reservations about including what are essentially student clubs on the same level as mock trial and quiz bowl amongst the other IvySports, we cannot deny that an Eight Colleges Championship is totally awesome. And the Big Green are the rulers of the new league, outscoring their opponents 264-11 so far this season, including a 31-0 shutout of previously unbeaten Harvard. What do you think of that, Wales? We don't see you doing that shit.

5. Harvard

Holds bragging rights over: Yale

Crimson football won their 800th game in program history with a 28-14 victory over Lehigh. Third-string running back Cheng "Jai" Ho made the most of his start with a 132 yard, two touchdown performance while the Harvard defense forced five turnovers, including two interceptions by Collin "Spelling?" Zych. Also, Harvard's 8th-ranked men's soccer team beat Yale 1-0 on a golden goal (because college soccer has dumb rules). With such good results, the Crimson should be higher on the rankings. However we just can't get over that awful Hermione Granger opening line in The Crimson's write up of last week's football game. It's just that bad. [shudder]

6. Yale

Holds bragging rights over: Cornell

Things didn't go so well for Bulldog football as they fell to Lafayette 31-14 for their second straight home loss. As was the case all over the east coast this weekend, the weather sucked and thus made losing doubly depressing. Two bright spots on the weekend for Yale were field hockey knocking off the previously unbeaten Big Red in overtime 1-0 and women's volleyball sweeping Brown. In addition, all the crappy weather means that Yale's super sailing teams have a chance to shine. Yay wind!

7. Cornell

Holds bragging rights over: Columbia

It was not a good weekend for the Big Red as two previously unbeaten teams lost. In addition to the aforementioned field hockey loss, Cornell's then-"others receiving votes" football team were dealt a Finger Lakes bitch-slap in a 45-23 loss to Colgate. Women's volleyball did sweep Columbia. Oh, and also...

8. Princeton

Holds bragging rights over: 38-0

Enough said.

See you next week.