If The Ivy League Hasn’t Already Destroyed Itself This Summer, Forbes Will

goodbyeWell we’ve come to that point in the summer where its time for the temporary IvyGate editors (Max and Michael, not that it matters) to say goodbye. It hasn’t been a great season for the Ivy League though. Cornell lost everyone’s social security numbers. Harvard is broke and is trying to own English. A Brown student and a Yale student competed to see who could be more annoying. Californians don’t understand us. Don’t even mention lacrosse. And we seem to be forgetting something. What could it be? Oh well, it probably wasn’t important.

But the worst news of all came just this week. Forbes Magazine, the nation’s premier experts on all things list-related, released their ranking of America’s Best Colleges. Here are the sobering results:

1. Army

2. Princeton

3. Caltech

4. Williams

5. Harvard

6. Wellesley

7. Air Force

8. Amherst

9. Yale

10. Stanford

11. MIT

12. Swarthmore

13. Columbia

14. Centre

15. Haverford

Umm, it’ll be a while until we reach the next Ivy League school, so we’ll warp ahead after the jump.

Okay, picking it back up.

72. Brown

83. Penn

98. Dartmouth

Yeah, still going…

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207. Cornell

So there you have it. Princeton is not number 1, Williams is better than Harvard, Amherst is better than Yale, and Cornell couldn’t even crack the top 200. Well, that about wraps it up for the Ivy League. It’s completely dead now. Good thing we’re getting out. I feel sorry for whoever is taking over this site next week. Don’t they know the elitism is dead?

Thanks for reading this summer. We sacrificed looking for summer employment in order to work hard to distract you while you work at your internship. We hope you enjoyed it. Nothing more to do now but to cue the music. And there’s only one song that is appropriate for this moment.

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Dammit! It was supposed to be Keyboard Cat!

  • Columbia Coffee

    Unlike Sean Connery’s career, we’re on an upward trajectory!

  • Columbia Coffee

    Unlike Sean Connery’s career, we’re on an upward trajectory!

  • JAT

    Everyone knows that the best schools are the ones where the Jews, Asians, and Indians go. Schools where these populations are declining are schools that are in decline and schools where these populations are rising are the places to be. You can’t go wrong with Jews, Asians, and Indians.

  • JAT

    Everyone knows that the best schools are the ones where the Jews, Asians, and Indians go. Schools where these populations are declining are schools that are in decline and schools where these populations are rising are the places to be. You can’t go wrong with Jews, Asians, and Indians.

  • ^^^

    JAT, you’re an idiot. Jews, Asians, and Indians read USNWR just like everyone else.

  • ^^^

    JAT, you’re an idiot. Jews, Asians, and Indians read USNWR just like everyone else.

  • @JAT

    You realize that the Asian and Jewish populations at most Ivy League schools are far lower than they could/should be due to reverse affirmative action, right? They’re not declining- they’re being capped as the qualified applicant pool continues to explode.

  • @JAT

    You realize that the Asian and Jewish populations at most Ivy League schools are far lower than they could/should be due to reverse affirmative action, right? They’re not declining- they’re being capped as the qualified applicant pool continues to explode.

  • ^^^

    Are you proposing that a great injustice is being dealt to the people India? China and India have a combined population 2.5 billion people, more than 8 times the U.S. population, and their respective cultures hold American education in high esteem. If the Ivies supplanted America’s own top 10 percent for the top ten of these countries they would become nothing more than Asian boarding schools (we’re talking an 8 to 1 Asian/American student ratio). You have truly become indoctrinated into American culture, because you are blinded by your own sense of entitlement.

  • ^^^

    Are you proposing that a great injustice is being dealt to the people India? China and India have a combined population 2.5 billion people, more than 8 times the U.S. population, and their respective cultures hold American education in high esteem. If the Ivies supplanted America’s own top 10 percent for the top ten of these countries they would become nothing more than Asian boarding schools (we’re talking an 8 to 1 Asian/American student ratio). You have truly become indoctrinated into American culture, because you are blinded by your own sense of entitlement.

  • btw

    in case you missed it, the subtext is that America is under no obligation to educate the rest of the world.

  • btw

    in case you missed it, the subtext is that America is under no obligation to educate the rest of the world.

  • pton

    Unfortuntaly Asians’ “superior intelligence” stems from an extreme work-life imbalance and intense parents that Asians. The Ivy league trains america’s future leaders, not bookworms. Being successful is more than just acing an exam…

  • pton

    Unfortuntaly Asians’ “superior intelligence” stems from an extreme work-life imbalance and intense parents that Asians. The Ivy league trains america’s future leaders, not bookworms. Being successful is more than just acing an exam…

  • pton

    Unfortuntaly Asians’ “superior intelligence” stems from an extreme work-life imbalance and intense parents. The Ivy league trains america’s future leaders, not bookworms. Being successful is more than just acing an exam…

  • pton

    Unfortuntaly Asians’ “superior intelligence” stems from an extreme work-life imbalance and intense parents. The Ivy league trains america’s future leaders, not bookworms. Being successful is more than just acing an exam…

  • @btw

    The point is that were the Ivy League to accept the most qualified students available, as it should, it would be predominantly Asian and Jewish. Now I’m neither of those things, but I’m a big advocate of survival of the fittest. American high schoolers would have to adapt or die. I’m not sure how advocating the admission of qualified foreigners over potentially less-qualified American citizens makes me blinded and entitled. Quite the opposite, really.

  • @btw

    The point is that were the Ivy League to accept the most qualified students available, as it should, it would be predominantly Asian and Jewish. Now I’m neither of those things, but I’m a big advocate of survival of the fittest. American high schoolers would have to adapt or die. I’m not sure how advocating the admission of qualified foreigners over potentially less-qualified American citizens makes me blinded and entitled. Quite the opposite, really.

  • JAT

    @^^^&btw Nice to see that when someone mentions Jews, Asians, and Indians you automatically think “foreigner.” Good job. Considering that international enrollment (you know, outside the US) in the Ivies is around 10% all these rest of these Jews, Asians, Indians must be, let’s say, closer to home.

    Nevertheless, while I’m too lazy to do it myself, I strongly suspect that if a JAI (Jewish,Asian, Indian) index were applied to the schools on the above list, we would get our “overrated” and “underrated” schools.

  • JAT

    @^^^&btw Nice to see that when someone mentions Jews, Asians, and Indians you automatically think “foreigner.” Good job. Considering that international enrollment (you know, outside the US) in the Ivies is around 10% all these rest of these Jews, Asians, Indians must be, let’s say, closer to home.

    Nevertheless, while I’m too lazy to do it myself, I strongly suspect that if a JAI (Jewish,Asian, Indian) index were applied to the schools on the above list, we would get our “overrated” and “underrated” schools.

  • @JAT

    Stop being such a contrarian asshat. If you read the initial post by ^^^ you’ll see that we were talking about the specific COUNTRIES of China and India in terms of population and education… and therefore the Asians and Indians in question would indeed be foreigners. I was simply including the Jewish population because the point about certain high-achieving cultures applies there as well. And again, if you would read the bloody thread, you would realize that what I’m getting at is that there would be a lot MORE Asian and Indian internationals if the Ivy League took all the applicants that were qualified, and those are the kids who are the supercharged academics, not necessarily their home-grown cousins (the other 90%). Which is exactly what you were just bitching about.

  • @JAT

    Stop being such a contrarian asshat. If you read the initial post by ^^^ you’ll see that we were talking about the specific COUNTRIES of China and India in terms of population and education… and therefore the Asians and Indians in question would indeed be foreigners. I was simply including the Jewish population because the point about certain high-achieving cultures applies there as well. And again, if you would read the bloody thread, you would realize that what I’m getting at is that there would be a lot MORE Asian and Indian internationals if the Ivy League took all the applicants that were qualified, and those are the kids who are the supercharged academics, not necessarily their home-grown cousins (the other 90%). Which is exactly what you were just bitching about.

  • scared crappie

    man, so intense…o_o
    le’s chill, people…

  • scared crappie

    man, so intense…o_o
    le’s chill, people…

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