Harvard University is the biggest name in higher education. Harvard University is also flat broke. Putting the two together, Harvard has come up with a way to make easy money: by trademarking phrases and images associated with the University. Of course, nearly every university trademarks its name and major symbols (Columbia's crown and lion, for instance). It's a way for colleges to keep their images from being used unlawfully, as well as earn some extra cash from licensing the trademarks for use on sportswear and NBC comedies.

But whereas most universities trademark only a handful of items--name, seal, athletics logo, maybe the motto--Harvard is trademarking everything and anything they've used or even might use in the future. Phrases and words that are now Harvard property include "Ask what you can do", "Lessons learned", "Pocket mentor", "The Harvard Student-Led Walking Tour", and "Hahvahd." Applications are pending on "Managing yourself" and "The world's thinking," the latter of which has never even been used by the university. Though according to Rick Calixto, director of the Harvard Trademark Program, that's not an issue.

"You need to reserve something in case you intend to use it,. . .We’re strategically protecting it for use at some point down the line."

Of course, if Harvard wanted a trademark on something that's sure to be used in the future, they wouldn't have trademarked "The world's thinking," but instead "What in the world is Harvard thinking?" Some of Harvard's professors are even asking that last question.

“Universities should not be in the business of locking words down,’’ said Harvard computer science professor Harry Lewis. . . “We’re in the business of enlightening the world. To lock down common English phrases seems to be antithetical to the spirit of what universities are supposed to be about.’’

Actually, that's the spirit of what European universities are about. In America, colleges are about making money.

This is certainly a brilliant get-rich-quick scheme Harvard has come up with. Ralph Kramden would be proud. However, like all of Gleason's plans on The Honeymooners, there's still a good chance it will go wrong and Harvard will threaten to send Wellesley to the moon. Each of the over 100 trademarks Harvard owns costs thousands of dollars to protect in the United States and internationally. There are trademarks that nobody else will use ("A self-guided walking tour of Harvard Yard") and Harvard cannot earn money on them by licensing or suing. Also, there's this Harvard Trademark Program full of people drawing ridiculous salaries.

If Harvard wants to avoid digging an even deeper money pit (literally), they need to get more creative with their trademarks in order to ensure they make money. For example, they already own the trademark on "Crimson." They should go one step further and trademark the color crimson. The amount of money they would get from the University of Indiana alone would be enough re-hire all the fired employees, and Harvard could use the royalties from Picasso's Rose Period paintings to buy them all new Bentleys. They've already trademarked their "H" logo, but they should also go ahead and claim the letter as well. There's a whole bunch of "H"s in Catcher in the Rye, so they could get J.D. Salinger to finally show himself.

If they want to better society while earning loads of money, Harvard should trademark any and all swear words, including future swear words. It would create a massive nationwide swear jar for everyone, with all the money going to finish the construction Allston. Hell, if they want to do their part to help prevent overpopulation, Harvard should trademark sexual intercourse as well. There are thousands of possibilities: ballpoint pens, shampoo, jambalaya, swine flu, Dwyane Wade. Harvard can trademark any and all of the entire English language, including Harvard's massive sense of entitlement. In fact, there's just one thing that's out of their reach.

“We wouldn’t make an exclusive claim to ‘veritas,’ ’’ Calixto said. . . .“It’s also a software company[.]’’

Someday Latin. Someday.

(H/T Catharine)