Catching Up With Old Friends: Mustard Guy Is Still Embarrassing Cornell

w_jacobson_story1Remember wingnut and condiment expert William Jacobson? Back in May, he wrote a post on his blog attacking President Obama for asking for “a spicy…or Dijon mustard” on his hamburger. This Harvard-educated lawyer accused Obama of elitism–because nothing’s more elitist than inquiring about a product produced by Kraft. Jacobson’s post sparked laughter in the entire political blogosphere, causing him to link to all the people laughing at him, resulting in more laughing and more linking until the entire internet imploded. The end.

Oh, and he’s got a faculty job at Cornell.

Since “Colonel Mustard” first earned his nickname, he has continued to write more wacky posts about how Sotomayor is racist, Hillary is disappearedWonkette is Trig’s real mother, and so on. But it is Jacobson’s post from last Friday that really demonstrates the peak insane form he showed in early May. It is titled “If Palin Were President Now” and it is every bit as magical as you would expect.

By speculating what would happen if Alaska’s Point Guard were the current Commander in Chief, Jacobson is operating under the assumption that John McCain won in November and died soon after. Of course John McCain is still alive in real life, meaning Sarah Palin would still be VP and have all the time she wants to shop in Georgetown. I don’t know why Jacobson thinks McCain would have died in the past eight months. Maybe he’s confusing him with Ed McMahon.

Because this is just speculation, Jacobson can write whatever he wants without any sort of proof or justification or logic. He can say that in her first six months as President, Sarah Palin would have fixed the economy, reduced the national deficit, sent Optimus Prime to kill Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and won the Boston Marathon–even if all of it only could have happened in Jacobson’s recurring wet dream. And when people take him to task, he doesn’t have to explain himself. After all, it’s just speculation. Just like when TMZ claims Diana Ross is the father of Michael Jackson’s kids.

William Jacobson, if you are reading this, please realize how much embarrassment you are bringing to the university that employs you. Not because of your political beliefs, but because of your failure at simple reasoning. You say that if Sarah Palin were President now, the country would be in much better shape. That is simply untrue. You failed to realize that Sarah Palin would never be President now, because she would have quit last week.

  • Harvard ’12

    A political diatribe disguised as a quasi-humorous attempt to criticize a member of academia. Poorly done, Mr. Wasserman.

  • Harvard ’12

    A political diatribe disguised as a quasi-humorous attempt to criticize a member of academia. Poorly done, Mr. Wasserman.

  • QuakerKing

    I’ll “second” Harvard ’12…. Max,don’t quit your day job…

  • QuakerKing

    I’ll “second” Harvard ’12…. Max,don’t quit your day job…

  • gc1967

    Yeah, no, weaving political “what-if” scenarios using the same story telling methods as comics books and sci-fi movies is totally academic.

    Of course, the real question is what if Barack Obama lost, John McCain died, Sarah Palin become President, and WIlliam Jacobson never got a job at an Ivy League school- would anyone care about what he thought?

    Anyway, I thought it was good Max. I can’t imagine how your argument is “poorly done” as it’s a critique of an impossible idea to begin with. It’s like calling the Back to the Future movies unscientific; you really can’t argue that they are.

  • gc1967

    Yeah, no, weaving political “what-if” scenarios using the same story telling methods as comics books and sci-fi movies is totally academic.

    Of course, the real question is what if Barack Obama lost, John McCain died, Sarah Palin become President, and WIlliam Jacobson never got a job at an Ivy League school- would anyone care about what he thought?

    Anyway, I thought it was good Max. I can’t imagine how your argument is “poorly done” as it’s a critique of an impossible idea to begin with. It’s like calling the Back to the Future movies unscientific; you really can’t argue that they are.

  • H’11

    I actually thought this was one of the funniest posts in recent memory. Max seems to avoid making fun of the guy purely for his political stances.

  • H’11

    I actually thought this was one of the funniest posts in recent memory. Max seems to avoid making fun of the guy purely for his political stances.

  • Cor’05

    In order to feign the incredulity of this post, you’d have to forget all the similar blog posts/books/movies written about ‘what if Al Gore had won the election’. Or you’d have to ignore the whole revisionary history sub genre of historical fiction. Or you’d have to ignore that analysis and criticism quite often involves the use of hypotheticals. No matter what, this post rings pretty hollow.

  • Cor’05

    In order to feign the incredulity of this post, you’d have to forget all the similar blog posts/books/movies written about ‘what if Al Gore had won the election’. Or you’d have to ignore the whole revisionary history sub genre of historical fiction. Or you’d have to ignore that analysis and criticism quite often involves the use of hypotheticals. No matter what, this post rings pretty hollow.

  • does not compute

    Cor’05 is making a strawman argument. Rational people can consider what a Gore presidency would be like because he won a popular vote, and the election was laid at the foot of the supreme court. After the mockery that Bush made of the presidency, it makes perfect sense to lament what the state of the world would be if only one supreme court justice voted differently.

    Rational people cannot discuss how the world would be different if Palin were president because she never ran. It’s like asking what if Colonel Sanders oversaw the Bay of Pigs.

  • does not compute

    Cor’05 is making a strawman argument. Rational people can consider what a Gore presidency would be like because he won a popular vote, and the election was laid at the foot of the supreme court. After the mockery that Bush made of the presidency, it makes perfect sense to lament what the state of the world would be if only one supreme court justice voted differently.

    Rational people cannot discuss how the world would be different if Palin were president because she never ran. It’s like asking what if Colonel Sanders oversaw the Bay of Pigs.

  • Not TOTALLY Right

    “…it makes perfect sense to lament what the state of the world would be if only one supreme court justice voted differently.”

    They did some pretty extensive bipartisan research into who would have won Florida had the recounts not been stopped, and Bush still had it. The Supreme Court had to intervene because the country would have fallen apart if there was a situation similar to what happened in Minnesota these past 8 months. We can hate on the Electoral College all we want but it still exists, and does for a reason. I hate when people say “Gore really won” because that’s simply not true. Hell with that logic, the Yankees “really won” the 2004 ALCS against the Red Sox.

    Don’t get me wrong, I think Bush was in the top 3 worst Presidents of all time, but to whine over the election is the wrong way to go about discrediting him.

  • Not TOTALLY Right

    “…it makes perfect sense to lament what the state of the world would be if only one supreme court justice voted differently.”

    They did some pretty extensive bipartisan research into who would have won Florida had the recounts not been stopped, and Bush still had it. The Supreme Court had to intervene because the country would have fallen apart if there was a situation similar to what happened in Minnesota these past 8 months. We can hate on the Electoral College all we want but it still exists, and does for a reason. I hate when people say “Gore really won” because that’s simply not true. Hell with that logic, the Yankees “really won” the 2004 ALCS against the Red Sox.

    Don’t get me wrong, I think Bush was in the top 3 worst Presidents of all time, but to whine over the election is the wrong way to go about discrediting him.

  • A.E.

    Well, this prick is from HAHVAHD, so I’m really not surprised at his douchery. Also, no one gives a shit about him/knows him, so he’s really not embarrassing anybody, as far as I’m concerned. He’s also very much a minority among the altogether liberal Cornell community, so good luck to you, Mr. Mustard. Next time I’m in Ithaca I will make a delicious paste of super glue and Dijon mustard and wreak havoc on your door locks. Maybe next season, instead of throwing dead fish on the ice, we’ll throw you, Mr. Jacobson.

  • A.E.

    Well, this prick is from HAHVAHD, so I’m really not surprised at his douchery. Also, no one gives a shit about him/knows him, so he’s really not embarrassing anybody, as far as I’m concerned. He’s also very much a minority among the altogether liberal Cornell community, so good luck to you, Mr. Mustard. Next time I’m in Ithaca I will make a delicious paste of super glue and Dijon mustard and wreak havoc on your door locks. Maybe next season, instead of throwing dead fish on the ice, we’ll throw you, Mr. Jacobson.