Sometime around 3 p.m. on Monday, May 25th, the Ivy League was about to take over the men’s lacrosse world. Cornell had pulled off a shocking upset of top seed Virginia two days earlier in the national semifinals, and they were leading no. 2 Syracuse in the national championship game. The Orange had closed the gap from three goals to one in the final four minutes of the game, but with less than thirty seconds to go, the Big Red had the ball.

Meanwhile, with Cornell a few seconds away from their first national championship in lacrosse since 1977, Princeton’s men’s lacrosse team was looking to start a dynasty next year. Although the Tigers lost to Cornell in the quarterfinals this year, Hall of Fame coach Bill Tierney had everything set up to dominate the Ivy League and possibly the national stage. Princeton boasted the top freshman defenseman and goalie in the country in Chad Weidmaier and Tyler Fiorito, respectively. Tierney was sure to add to the 14 Ivy titles and maybe even the six NCAA titles he won in his 22 years with the Tigers. Things were looking bright for the Ancient Eight.

And then, the Fail Pandas appeared.

Something happened to Cornell head coach Jeff Tambroni. With his tired team struggling to clear the ball and a fresher Syracuse playing desperation defense, Tambroni did not use his team’s final timeout. We have thought long and hard about why a head coach–with his team seconds away from their first national championship in over 30 years–would not call timeout to retain possession and give his exhausted players a rest. Here’s what we’ve come up with:

• Timeouts are for pussies.
• Coaches that call timeouts don’t really coach for Cornell, according to Ann Coulter.
• He was preparing for his post-game interview with Erin Andrews by thinking of cold showers and Janet Reno.
• Every unused timeout in the national championship game gets you free corn nuggets with every purchase of a deep dish pizza at The Nines.
• He was thinking about that “Werewolf Bar Mitzvah” song from 30 Rock and cracking up.
• Because that’s exactly what they’re expecting you to do.

Feel free to submit your own suggestions.

Anyway, whatever the reason, Jeff Tambroni did not call the timeout. And so:

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Damn you Fail Pandas! Big Red midfielder Max Seibald did win the Tewaaraton Trophy–lacrosse’s version of the Heisman–becoming the first ever Cornell player to receive the award. Unfortunately, it only gets you 30% off on an order of corn nuggets.

A couple weeks later, it was Princeton to get hit with the Fail Bamboo. Coach Bill Tierney–who won six national championships with the Tigers, two by superior timeout-calling–announced he was leaving Princeton after 22 years. Tierney said, “[I received] an opportunity that I never thought would come my way.” That opportunity is the head coach position at the University of Denver.

Though Ivy League coaches leaving for other schools is nothing new, lacrosse is one of the few sports the Ivy League is aces in. Bill Tierney is leaving a lacrosse superpower he created for a university 1,800 miles away from the nearest east coast prep school. He must really miss the weekly poker games with Joe Scott. And Tuesday, the Tigers got another slap in the face when Tierney’s top assistant David Metzbower turned down the head coach’s job and decided to leave the program.

Damn you Fail Pandas! Why can’t you ever pick on the rowing teams?