Ragtime June 17-23, 2009: Because Stuff Happens Over Summer Break
Columbia: Barnard's new career counselor will console graduates as the come to grips with the reality that they will never find a job- Cornell: Men's basketball introduces the 2009 recruiting class that will allow the team to only lose by 25 in the first round of the NCAA tournament
- Harvard: The Office of Sexual Assault Prevention will close for July because of financial constraints and the fact that it's too hot outside to rape
- Harvard: Med School gets a 'B', which is not good enough for it to be accepted to itself
- Penn: Spruce Street location sees its third restaurant turnover in five years and the incoming restaurant will not accept Dining Dollars, so it'll close within two years
- Princeton: Tigers continue to hemorrhage coaches
- Yale: Decendents of Geronimo have sued Skull and Bones seeking the return of their ancestor's skull; the secret society is reportedly regretting turning it into a bong
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