Conservatives have said for years that the Ivy League elitists hate the troops. In recent years, Ivy Leaguers have attempted to undermine the United States military by trying to disenroll family members from the Naval Academy or contaminating the Marines with gay. But as of yet, no Ivy alum has physically harmed members of the military. Until now.

The New York Times reported last week that Dr. Gary Kao of the Philadelphia V.A. Medical Center is the worst doctor since Doug from Scrubs. Dr. Kao--who has a Ph.D. from Penn--had been treating veterans with prostate cancer by using a common procedure in which radioactive seeds are implanted into the prostate to attack tumors. The obstacle for Dr. Kao is that you can't find the prostate on Google Maps.

Most of the seeds, 40 in all, landed in the patient’s healthy bladder, not the prostate.

Yeah, that's not good. So that patient had to return for a second implant. This time, Dr. Kao injected his rectum, missing the prostate again. According to the Times, Dr. Kao's team at the V.A. Hospital had screwed up 92 of 116 cancer treatments over six years. That rate of failure is so incredibly high that Dr. Kao must have been trying to give veterans radioactive butt on purpose. One internal medicine doctor--upon seeing the 92 of 116 statistic--said, "He could have done better just by guessing."

These were all serious medical errors, but Dr. Kao managed to get away with them for years. Part of the reason he was able to stay out of trouble for so long was by utilizing an old trick used in research. Just like a graduate student determining the objective of his research after performing the experiment, Dr. Kao pulled a similar tactic. After hitting the bladder in the above case, he simply rewrote his surgical plan to make his error the purpose of the surgery! Also, Dr. Kao was able to keep on injecting and missing thanks to no oversight and no peer review at the V.A. Hospital. Of course, why would he need any oversight? Dr. Kao and his team are from the University of Pennsylvania, a trusted institution. As the V.A. Medical Center's website says:

The PVAMC is affiliated with the University of Pennsylvania’s Schools of Medicine, Nursing, and Dental Medicine and provide [sic] training for medical interns, residents and fellows.

You see? It doesn't matter that Dr. Kao had limited experience with the procedure he had been botching for six years. He's there to learn. Only the best for our veterans.

Dr. Kao may finally have been exposed after his 92nd failed experiment with radioactive anal beads, but don't feel too bad for him. As the Times says, he's got a lot of irons in the fire. 

He is also on a team from Penn that won a contract this year from a NASA-financed consortium to study radiation in space.

See, he's also giving snarky bloggers easy set-ups for Uranus jokes.