I’ve heard this strange usage of the word “tool” bandied about and I’ve been waiting for an Ivy daily to publish a column explaining what it means. Finally, Cindy Hong, in “Taking a Peek in the Tool Shed,” has cleared things up for me. According to Cindy, a tool is a person who engages in:

being fake, networking, pursuing finance, trying too hard, trying too hard not to look like you’re trying too hard

Cindy is quick to assure us she is not a tool, despite her various and acknowledged toolish affiliations: The Daily Princetonian, Wilson School, USG (Editor’s Note: Cindy says these affiliations are toolish, not me. Though, I believe her.) Cindy writes:

“But I’m so cool and interesting,” I protested to my non-USG, non-Wilson School friends. “I listen to Neutral Milk Hotel and read David Foster Wallace.” These statements only confirmed their suspicions.

Yes, Neutral Milk Hotel is incredibly toolish (I’m not being sarcastic). After the jump, Cindy tells us why being a tool is actually a good thing. Cindy writes:

“toolish” people set a higher bar for the rest of us. The many self-described introverts amongst us wince at the idea of badgering professors after class, forcefully introducing ourselves to strangers, or e-mailing unknown alumni from TigerNet. But if others do it, we do too. It’s easier just to scoff at the people who do these things so the rest of us don’t have to.

But which is it, Cindy? Do we badger professors and email alums because we are encouraged by the unabashed opportunism of tools? Or do we scoff at them for doing these things “so the rest of us don’t have to?”

Is good writing also “toolish?”

Cindy has a point. Many of us are jealous of the social skills, drive and courage possessed by tools. Not to mention the career success, social lives and romantic conquests. But, you gotta remember, deep down, these people, they, they’re…they’re fake. That’s right. Fake.