Losing Teeth at the Hockey Frat: Dartmouth’s Police Blotter is Back
The D’s peerless police blotter is back for spring in its usual trifoliate glory: animals, townies, and reckless intoxication.
Did you know there are BEARS in Hanover? They ate someone’s bird feeder, presumably jealous of human kindness toward animals that can’t eat us. Inexplicably, the woman “claimed that the bears had just come out of hibernation.” Are you sure? God, she must be an explainer. Worse than man hands, promise.
Elsewhere, a female Dartmouth student lost a tooth at a party “after she fell face first onto the concrete floor.” Not charged with anything because she’s of age, the young woman can only wonder why the irony-obsessed god of mishap chose to punish her: she lost the tooth at Heorot, the hockey frat. Imitation is flattery, boys.
After the jump: pizza, existential confusion, and the full blotter.
A med student’s school ID got pwned while he was working out, and the thief bought “$20 of snack food using his account.” Hilarious; could be another student. “The perpetrator also attempted to access the student’s bank account at Bank of America.” Nope: townie. (But, bank account? Student ID? Probably The D’s fuckup. That, or dumbest criminal ever.)
Bursting with the teenage ennui that can only be worse in the forest, some kids “threw a slice of pizza” at other teenagers. The pizza’d teens then called the cops like the loser snitches they are.
The best and most inspiring thing about police blotters, and Dartmouth’s in particular, is how often they end in inaction and bewilderment. The ID theft is “still under investigation,” the pizza-pitchers escaped because the cops “found no one matching the given description,” and a woman whose lost dog returned home accompanied by “an unlicensed Chihuahua named Bambi” took Bambi---somewhere. The police “did not know where she brought the dog.”
It's reminiscent of the most lyrical blotter entry of all time, which IvyGate missed the first time around:
A female Hanover resident called police when she heard her dogs barking at what she suspected to be car headlights in her driveway. Upon investigation, police discovered that the caller’s dogs were actually barking at the moon.
This time, though, the bears gave them a run for their money:
“When Hanover Police arrived at the scene, they found a female bear and two of her cubs on the road, but took no action.”
Cops and bears, frozen motionless at the crossroads of nature and the human outpost. Shades of Beckett, or maybe just abject copfear at the sight of a creature that is not only unarrestable but eats pigs whole.
Police Blotter
compiled by Elise Quinones, courtesy Nicholas Giaccone, Hanover PD
March 25, 3:08 p.m.
South Street
A group of teenagers approached a Hanover Police officer on patrol last Wednesday and complained about another group of teenagers that they said had been harassing them. The teenagers were in front of Ramunto’s when the other group allegedly made rude comments and threw a slice of pizza at them. Hanover Police investigated the claim but found no one matching the given description.
March 26, 2:17 p.m.
Rope Ferry Road
A male Dartmouth Medical School student notified Hanover Police last Thursday that his student ID card was stolen at Alumni Gym. He found that someone had bought $20 of snack food using his account. The perpetrator also attempted to access the student’s bank account at Bank of America, but was unsuccessful. The case is still under investigation.
March 26, 4:46 p.m.
Lyme Road and Goodfellow Road
Hanover Police received a call last Tuesday from a woman who complained about bears on her property and on the road nearby. She claimed that the bears had just come out of hibernation and had eaten from her bird feeder. When Hanover Police arrived at the scene, they found a female bear and two of her cubs on the road, but took no action.
March 28, 1:57 a.m.
Fletcher Circle
A woman contacted Hanover Police regarding her lost dog, an Australian Shepherd, who broke his leash and ran away when she was walking the dog earlier in the day. The dog returned to her home the next day, along with an unlicensed Chihuahua named Bambi. Police said the woman returned Bambi, but did not know where she brought the dog.
March 30, 3:00 a.m.
East Wheelock Street
Hanover Police received a call from Safety & Security regarding a 21-year-old female Dartmouth student whose tooth was knocked out at Chi Heorot fraternity after she fell face first onto the concrete floor. Police suspect that alcohol was involved in the accident, but no chargers were filed because she was of age. The student was transported to Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center.
March 31, 12:28 a.m.
Clement Road
A Hanover Police officer on patrol in his vehicle last Tuesday noticed a 19-year-old female Dartmouth student, who was clearly intoxicated, staggering down Clement Road. The officer drove his vehicle up to the student, but she did not stop. The officer subsequently exited his car, chased the student down the street and arrested her. After the student was taken to the station to be booked, her condition deteriorated. The student reportedly became feverish and was unable to answer simple questions. She was later transported to Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center.
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April 3rd, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Must be nice to live in a town where the locals just throw pizza at one another…
April 3rd, 2009 at 6:50 pm
As opposed to bullets?
April 3rd, 2009 at 9:40 pm
Exactly.
April 4th, 2009 at 5:12 am
I love this school.
Face it: So does everyone else.
April 4th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
…and you call that a party school?
April 4th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
This is why I didn’t go to Dartmouth. I’m pretty sure I heard a carbomb explode last night; and, to quote another New Hampshirite, that has made all the difference.
April 4th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
Probably some disgruntled menial laborer (maybe LSUgrad?) out for vengance against those “Wall Street types.”
April 5th, 2009 at 12:16 am
you are really an ivygate troll. go live your life and stop worrying about other people’s college experience. i’m guessing you’re having so much fun at your university that you just so happen to have all the time in the world to diss dartmouth. you know you wish you would have come here instead. now i’m off about head down to frat row while you’re in your room watching ivygate’s recent comments ready to comment back
April 5th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
@iheartcollege-
You didn’t go to Dartmouth because our police blotter is hilarious and refreshingly well-written?
April 6th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Kudzu is the original ivy.
….sniff….
April 6th, 2009 at 11:37 am
To be fair, lots of crazy/stupid shit happens at other schools, but, being in places where other humans actually live, the local police blotters aren’t exclusively about students.
I just don’t buy the whole “Dartmouth parties way harder than anyone else” thing. The parties are strongly localized at D, but people at Columbia, Brown, Penn, etc. go out to bars and, if this is our measure of partying hard, stay out just as late and drink just as much.
And before the haters roll in, I’ll let you know I’ve been to Dartmouth about a dozen times for weekends. You guys do rock a good party, but it’s not like you guys are ASU compared to the rest of the Ivies. At least we all have Princeton beat in this regard.
April 8th, 2009 at 11:44 am
The laws are enforced to an extreme in Hanover. Residents don’t want drunken college students stumbling about; I think that the State of New Hampshire gives the Town of Hanover tens of thousands of dollars a year simply to police and arrest Dartmouth students.
Compare this to Yale, where I’ve seen the police watch aloof as a passed-out student is carried to a Yale security shuttle to be transported to the hospital where she would have been treated without any legal consequences. That is when I realized that the Yale Police exists not to protect Yale students from New Haven but rather to protect them from legal records.
April 8th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
I gotta say, “Cool-umbia,” as someone who grew up in Manhattan, went to Dartmouth, and now lives 15 blocks south of Columbia — shut up.
April 8th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
Although I’m not happy Cool-umbia dissed Princeton, he does have a point. The administration has been cracking down hardcore on dorm and eating club parties big time and it’s getting ridiculous here.
That said, good comeback “biggreen07″! Nice to see you spent $100k+ and 4 years of your life to learn to convey your thoughts so well.
April 8th, 2009 at 11:37 pm
Shut up.
April 9th, 2009 at 1:51 am
dearest bitches, be more jealous you didn’t get in. go eat chicken wings on your couch and play video games instead. please and stop wasting our time with falsely reported info. you cant even get a police blog right. nice fucking life pal
May 19th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
This is my favorite from a few nights ago:
A Hanover Police officer on patrol observed a female wrapped in toilet paper and balloons walking near the Hanover Inn. When approached by the officer, the female explained that she was on campus to surprise a friend for her birthday and the costume was supposed to represent a sheep. After briefly questioning the female, who was not a Dartmouth student, the officer allowed her to go.