We decided we didn’t have enough jock-appeal so we decided to do an IvyGate staff calendar for oak-paneled locker rooms everywhere. While Adam is saving up for a new camera, I’ll be doing weekly recaps of the Ivy League sports action that took place over the weekend. For your convenience, the recaps for each school are ordered from best to worst weekend. (That might be reversed for fun’s sake.) They are also accompanied by the fellow Ivy that each school has bragging rights over for the week. Gloat if you must, but we are still talking about Ivy League sports, here.

1. Harvard
Holds bragging rights over: Cornell
The Cornell students at the Daily Sun had their “Big Red Claim 2nd Consecutive Ivy League Men’s Basketball Title” stories ready on Saturday afternoon. Then Harvard had to go and ruin everything by beating the Big Red by 1. Last year, Cornell beat Harvard by 1 when the Crimson players committed two five-second violations in the last thirty seconds. Apparently, the players had forgotten that the rules of college basketball don’t account for Harvard Time.

2. Yale
Holds bragging rights over: Cornell
Sure, Yale’s men’s basketball team fell at Princeton this weekend, but they made great strides in a sport the Elis don’t care about. Yale’s men’s ice hockey team beat Cornell 4-2 on Friday to clinch the regular season conference title. The conference in question is the ECAC Hockey League, also known as “The Ivy League Plus Colgate, Quinnipiac, RPI, and Three Schools I’ve Never Heard Of.”

Don’t mind the elitism. Everyone else after the jump.

3. Cornell Jeomi Maduka
Holds bragging rights over: Everyone
Last year, Maduka led Cornell’s women’s basketball team to its first ever Ivy title while winning the conference Player of the Year award. This past weekend, she won four—that’s right, four—events at the Ivy League Heptagonals Indoor Track & Field Championships. Maduka also currently owns the third-best long jump distance in 2009 in the world at 21 feet, 11 ¾ inches. Next year, she will become the first women to swim the English Channel inhaling nothing but Argon.

4. Dartmouth
Holds bragging rights over: Princeton
Beat the Tigers in men’s hockey, a loss that would cause Princeton to fall below Cornell in the conference standings. Meanwhile in women’s hockey, the Green beat Colgate to advance to the semifinals of the ECAC conference tournament. Princeton’s women’s hockey team will not be joining them, as the Lady Tigers were upset at home by Rensselaer (RPI). This is a surprising result, as who knew that RPI had enough female students to field a hockey team?

5. Princeton
Hold bragging rights over: Everyone with a men’s lacrosse team (Columbia you’re safe)
“We just destroyed the most successful lacrosse program in the country in a nationally televised game in their home city. What have you done lately?”

6. Penn
Holds bragging rights over: Brown
The good news: Topped the Bears in men’s basketball. The bad news: Will fail to win the Ivy League title for the second straight year. The good news: Penn students won’t get a chance to be upset about this because they’ll all be dead soon.

7. Columbia
Holds bragging rights over: Brown
The Lions lost all their basketball games this weekend, men’s and women’s. They’re still ahead of Brown in the standings, though. That’s…something.

8. Brown
Holds bragging rights over: Yale in a month
“Just wait ‘til lacrosse season!”