I was all set to write an update on the Princeton USG election (Weinberg/AEPi triumphs, nobody really cares) but then, wandering the Prince‘s website, I found this glorious gem, scans from a 1958 Princeton pamphlet entitled “Answers to Your Questions About the Admission of Princeton Sons.”

At a time when desegregation was the all the rage and Stanford neared a 2:1 male-to-female ratio, Old Nassau whispered sweet nothings into nepotistic alumni’s age-spotted ears: Worry not, ye rich and backwards-minded old people. Princeton holds your Y-chromosomed offspring to the absolute lowest of standards, now and forever!

And when it comes to low standards, boy, do those Princeton sons deliver:

Basically, this is a guide to George W. Bush’s life.

“Princeton Sons” goes on to answer such troubling questions as “Why don’t Princeton undergraduates look as glossy as they used to?” and “What about this business of ‘geographical spread’?” the latter of which defends Lawrenceville grads against uncivilized cowboys from uncouth and farflung territories like (shudder) Texas. In a weird way, this too seems to be about George W. Bush’s life.

The Prox has the whole pamphlet in its post, but we’ve got a very special IvyGate’s Guide to Princeton’s Legacy Admissions Guide, complete with PUSG tie-in, after the jump.

The introduction begins with an epistemological conceit: Princeton is as Princeton does, unto Princeton Fathers are born Princeton Sons. Princeton: The male-pattern baldness of universities, inherited and inevitable.

Good to know “well-rounded” has always been a euphemism for “talentless bore.” Now here’s that “geographic spread” question:

Lawrenceville is still one of Princeton’s biggest feeders, although Princeton High School—a (shudder) public high school—surpassed it years ago. As for the sartorial choices of the Princeton man and his crazy boho friends…

Well, if the GI’s started it, at least we know it’s not un-American. I’d make a HUAC joke, but by ’58 it’s already kind of played, and PATRIOT isn’t for another half century. Isn’t progress fun? Speaking of which, check out the last page of “Princeton Sons,” where everyone covers their asses just in case Princeton goes crazy and starts admitting women or something:

Amazing how they even foresee the coming Conservative Apocalypse, i.e., the 1970′s, when Princeton Fathers’ noble values of nepotistic laziness and xenophobia would be completely upended by a “vast war-baby population,” when females and racial minorities would gambol freely cross yon Cannon Green, and when, 50 years later, a Jewish fraternity would exact ironfisted control over the USG.