The Undergraduate Council for everyone’s favorite self-important student body is currently electing a new president. With polls closing in just 36 hours, Harvard students (apathetic and otherwise) will surely end up with either a prank or a prodigal in office.  Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter since the university administration will likely limit any big changes or new investments during the winners’ term.

The primary contenders in Cambridge’s latest slogan-fest include the Harvard Hooligan, that annoying kid from the YouTube videos in addition to  a few actual U.C. Reps.  While the more “serious” candidates deserve mention for the extent of their hypocrisy, the fake ones make for better blogging.  But seriously it’s like a postmodern circus of Situationist proportions out there.  The Hooligan (a.k.a. Michael Koenigs ‘09) staged an assassination attempt during the bright-lights debate attended by approximately 9 people.  Hopefully, his freshman Alaskan-native running mate, Aneliese Parker ‘12, will step into his place.  Meanwhile, VP candidate Alexandra Petri ‘10 explained in an interview with On Harvard Time that her running mate was in fact the Invisible Man (à la Wells, not Ellison).  They seek to replace the U.C. with a Hapsburg prince.

Read about the follies of the more serious candidates after the jump.  Or vote now on the UC website!

To our absolute relish, the “frontrunners” pit the Crimson-endorsed team of Schwartz-Biggers (yes, yes, the ones who put together the disaster of a Girl Talk concert) against Flores-McCleod, a couple of girls running on the same platform.  As the rest of the campus grinds to a halt over their lost billions, it seems like all the future of the U.C. can do is pander to the students with their hands out.  That is, both groups propose to establish a party house for the plebes (i.e. those not in final clubs).  As Schwartz, Biggers, and Flores are all club members—The Fly, Isis, and Seneca respectively—they need not worry either way.  But according to the Crimson’s sources, dude/bros are people too:

“[Final clubs are] another group of people that need representation that he knows,” said Fly member Jay R. Lundy ’09…..Whether he is going door-to-door campaigning or just going through his daily interactions, he is quick to call shared acquaintances “ballers,” especially if they have been advocating for his campaign.

The Flores-McCleod ticket basically advocates the same alternative social space cum making-Harvard-kids-less-awkward initiative.  Flores herself, a self-proclaimed future governor of New Mexico, can play the race card, but  also according to the Crimson, Swartz and Biggers are simply more attractive.

The Crimson endorsement has been the kiss-of-death in the past two elections.  So take to the polls and make it a hat trick, Cantabs.  Harvard could use a Hapsburgian prince these days, after all.