Welcome back to IVY reality index, where we watch Ithaca College’s masterful Cornell mock-soap-opera and dissect it with the obsessive zeal of a seventh grade girl seeing Twilight for the eighth time. This time we enlisted the help of Real Live Cornell Guy (and fraternity brother, to boot!) Michael Morisy ’07 to help break it down.
But first, an update on last week’s reality index: Remember when we accused the Black Kid With No Name of having a weird pseudo-British, quasi-Australian accent? Turns out the actor is from Zimbabwe, and that’s actually the way he speaks! Apparently the Zimbabwe accent sounds just like an American theater geek faking the Queen’s English. Who knew? Anyway, on to…
IVY Episode 2: In Which The Sissy Liberates Himself After His Girlfriend Goes On A Trampage
Note: If you have trouble with the embeds, go to ICTV’s website and watch there.
Ep 3 and two reality indices (Christmas comes early!) after the jump.
- Frat-tastic intro: “Poppin My Collar” is perhaps a bit dated, but then, so are most fraternity playlists. Plus 2
- Ever notice how elite Ivy Leaguers are stuck in 1985? Double collars, clashing colors, massive heaps of powdered substances on every smooth, shiny surface. Plus 4 for wardrobe, including the lame kid who goes around with his hood up and spouts anti-establishment garbledy-gook and wears Sarah Palin eyeglasses. He will grow up to be a famous writer/thinker/cult-movie-director, or the Unabomber.
- Legit question about pledge process answered by a non sequitur? Plus 2
- Amanda comes home in last night’s “going out” outfit and gets all passive-aggressive on her queen bee friend. Plus 2, because there’s nothing like a painful Walk of Shame for making a girl crabby at her friends. Minus 1 because her makeup should be more smeary.
- “I don’t really know how to talk to boys… when I like them…” Aww, Sorostitute Beta is stuck in 8th grade, which explains her incessant need to seek approval from Sorostitute Alpha. Beta girls often turn out to be closet sadists, which explains a lot. Plus 2, assuming Beta trades goes the way of leather and whips before the season ends.
- “It’s not that hard. Just go to a party, get drunk, and see what happens.” Remember: It’s not date rape if the girl initiates it. Kidding! But seriously, Plus 5
- Chris. Beret. The kind of paintbrush you use to paint shingles on a house. Plus 3 for general amazingness, but minus 6 because they forgot the ironic mustache.
- “Don’t tell Lex or Keith, because they wouldn’t really understand. Don’t tell Emily.” Wait, is he in art class or is he in the closet? Minus 5 because Emily is the kind of girl who regularly breaks into her boyfriend’s email account and student records. There’s no way he slipped this past her.
- Un-funny kid performs un-funny anti-Harvard skit, to knee-slapping non-Harvard audience’s glee. We only wish this wasn’t a plus 3. Morisy proposes an additional 4 meta-points because Harvard : Cornell :: Cornell : IC.
- Chris frets about his lack of a fake ID, which is the central preoccupation of all under-21 college students, nationwide. However, standard paranoid procedure requires the phrase “fake ID” to be articulated awkwardly, consonants half-swallowed, while nervously scanning the room for spoil-sport tattle-tales from your hometown who might tell their parents, who would tell YOUR parents, and then you’d be totally screwed. Minus 5
- I think there are actual crickets chirping during Keith’s “How do you know I wasn’t there? How do you know this is real?” speech. Plus 10
- Is that “Weekend Warrior” we hear? As much as it pains us, plus 3
- The Jewish girl is wearing a kaffiyeh from Urban Outfitters. Plus 8
- The Phi Pi house looks suspiciously like an apartment. Exposed wiring in the ceiling saves it, though, so we’re calling this one Even.
- Drunk Emily confesses how jealous she is of her slutty friend, and how badly she wants to be a slut, too. This is totally Mean Girls, when Lacey Chabert tells all of Rachel McAdam’s secrets to Lindsay Lohan right before LiLo sabotages the Plastics! Plus 3 for staying true to the formula, but if Natalie’s LiLo, then who are her Goth Sidekick + Gay Best Friend?
- Emily! You slut! It’s over, you cheating bitch, Chris is LEAVING YOU FOREVER PLUS 100! (ok maybe just plus 1)
- But minus 5 because Emily is so not dumb enough to wear Brad’s shirt. Plus 10 because of course she starts talking “love” to get Chris to stay, and plus 3 more when her stupid drunk friend totally blows it, because, gawd, Amanda, you are so annoying and you always breathe too loud and! and! Wait! Chris! Don’t go! Net: Plus 3
- But here’s the thing about Chris’ BFD Hotel School thing: Everyone at Cornell knows that, first year out, Hotelies make the most money. Doctors, on the other hand, have at least seven more years of being poor and eating ramen. Also, Hotelies throw the best parties (they are basically majoring in party-throwing) which means Chris’ switch to hotel school would actually make him even more attractive to Emily as college boyfriend / first husband material. Minus 10
- Frat induction in the middle of a mediocre beer pong party? With random guests? Faker than a sorostitute tan in January. Minus 6
- Plus 4 for Lex’s amazingly accurate dude-break-down featuring increasingly loud proclamations of “What the hell?” “No, I’m not crying” and “Let’s go drink.” Alcoholism: Eating your feelings for adults
TOTAL POSITIVE POINTS: 70 + 4 meta-points
TOTAL NEGATIVE POINTS: 45
RESULT: 25 points, donated directly to the Give Emily Her Own Show fund
IVY Episode 3: In Which Everyone Deals With Seasonally-Affected Mood Disorders.
Note: If you have trouble with the embeds, go to ICTV’s website and watch there.
- Following her BFF breakup with alpha bitch Emily, Amanda is a total mess. “She used to pick out my clothes for me. I don’t know how to do anything but iron my hair.” Plus 3, because lonely boyfriend-less dames always substitute their besties into “significant other” territory; girlfriend’s probably got one of those “Gilmore Girl” relationships with her mom, too. But minus 2 because I’m still waiting for the smeared mascara.
- “An insane asylum— or worse, State school.” Plus 5.
- Nobody uses iChat, but Amanda would namedrop her computer make and model, even though MacBook Pro is kind of lame. It’s all about the Air. Net: Even
- Emily’s still wearing her kaffiyeh. Minus 3 because Alpha Bitch wouldn’t repeat an outfit like that.
- “I don’t even know what you said, but it was something.” This applies to beer-soaked parties and the lecture hall. Plus 2 because college is consistent like that.
- “One. Two. Twenty.” Plus 4 because smart bitches are always the meanest ones.
- Of course, in the middle of a semester, it’d be next to impossible to find two new roommates. But then, she’s Emily. She does what she wants, and she could always import someone from another state to be her new gopher. Even
- Is Lex wearing an onion ring on his ear? Bro may be a dimbulb, but he’s also vain enough never to let satured oil so close to his face. As much as we don’t like to admit it, college kids are still young enough to have acne. Minus 3
- Minus 4 for the collar under Keith’s sweatshirt. Only asocial math geeks do that, although I once knew this crazy prep school girl who wore popped collar polos on the Elliptical machine. Minus 1 more, because I hated that girl.
- Gorge-icide. Tasteless, but kind of true. Plus 4 for accuracy, but minus 4 for not carting him to Dick’s House or at least calling an RA, because even if it’s kind of cheesy, it’s what they would have done. Any college kid worth his salt knows the ins and outs of the leather couch; psychoanalysis is all but a rite of passage for our neurotic generation. Net: Even
- How did they get snow if they filmed this over the summer? Does IVY control the weather, now, too? Plus 3 because they had to have networked God himself to make this happen.
- Plus 1 more for using subtitles in the gorge scene which lets us listen to the dully mind-numbing roar of the gorges whilst indulging that Ivy League desire for art house snobbery and stuff from other countries.
- Natalie transferring to Harvard: Pure genius. Natalie is that rare Ivy League species known as the Chronic Transferer. Addicted to prestige, enamored with her outsider status, the Chronic Transferer thinks she’s better than everybody else despite having shit grades and being incapable of getting in to any of her choice schools. So she enrolls at a less-favored school, overloads her schedule, studies herself senseless, and scoffs at her peers; after improving her academic record and making precisely 0 friends, Chronic Transferer trades up for a better school and starts the process over again. See also: Obsessive Major-Switchers, People Who Live For Shopping Period, Kid Who Insists On Skipping Prereqs Only To Drag Down The Entire Advanced Class With Inane Questions And Off-Topic BS. Plus 10
TOTAL POSITIVE POINTS: 32
TOTAL NEGATIVE POINTS: 13
RESULT: 19 points say that Natalie ends up writing off American education as a whole and moves to Paris next year.