Fake Cornell Returns With Its Collar Popped and a Harvard-Sized Chip On Its Shoulder
Welcome back to IVY reality index, where we watch Ithaca College's masterful Cornell mock-soap-opera and dissect it with the obsessive zeal of a seventh grade girl seeing Twilight for the eighth time. This time we enlisted the help of Real Live Cornell Guy (and fraternity brother, to boot!) Michael Morisy '07 to help break it down.
But first, an update on last week's reality index: Remember when we accused the Black Kid With No Name of having a weird pseudo-British, quasi-Australian accent? Turns out the actor is from Zimbabwe, and that's actually the way he speaks! Apparently the Zimbabwe accent sounds just like an American theater geek faking the Queen's English. Who knew? Anyway, on to...
IVY Episode 2: In Which The Sissy Liberates Himself After His Girlfriend Goes On A Trampage
Note: If you have trouble with the embeds, go to ICTV's website and watch there.
Ep 3 and two reality indices (Christmas comes early!) after the jump.
- Frat-tastic intro: "Poppin My Collar" is perhaps a bit dated, but then, so are most fraternity playlists. Plus 2
- Ever notice how elite Ivy Leaguers are stuck in 1985? Double collars, clashing colors, massive heaps of powdered substances on every smooth, shiny surface. Plus 4 for wardrobe, including the lame kid who goes around with his hood up and spouts anti-establishment garbledy-gook and wears Sarah Palin eyeglasses. He will grow up to be a famous writer/thinker/cult-movie-director, or the Unabomber.
- Legit question about pledge process answered by a non sequitur? Plus 2
- Amanda comes home in last night's "going out" outfit and gets all passive-aggressive on her queen bee friend. Plus 2, because there's nothing like a painful Walk of Shame for making a girl crabby at her friends. Minus 1 because her makeup should be more smeary.
- "I don't really know how to talk to boys... when I like them..." Aww, Sorostitute Beta is stuck in 8th grade, which explains her incessant need to seek approval from Sorostitute Alpha. Beta girls often turn out to be closet sadists, which explains a lot. Plus 2, assuming Beta trades goes the way of leather and whips before the season ends.
- "It's not that hard. Just go to a party, get drunk, and see what happens." Remember: It's not date rape if the girl initiates it. Kidding! But seriously, Plus 5
- Chris. Beret. The kind of paintbrush you use to paint shingles on a house. Plus 3 for general amazingness, but minus 6 because they forgot the ironic mustache.
- "Don't tell Lex or Keith, because they wouldn't really understand. Don't tell Emily." Wait, is he in art class or is he in the closet? Minus 5 because Emily is the kind of girl who regularly breaks into her boyfriend's email account and student records. There's no way he slipped this past her.
- Un-funny kid performs un-funny anti-Harvard skit, to knee-slapping non-Harvard audience's glee. We only wish this wasn't a plus 3. Morisy proposes an additional 4 meta-points because Harvard : Cornell :: Cornell : IC.
- Chris frets about his lack of a fake ID, which is the central preoccupation of all under-21 college students, nationwide. However, standard paranoid procedure requires the phrase "fake ID" to be articulated awkwardly, consonants half-swallowed, while nervously scanning the room for spoil-sport tattle-tales from your hometown who might tell their parents, who would tell YOUR parents, and then you'd be totally screwed. Minus 5
- I think there are actual crickets chirping during Keith's "How do you know I wasn't there? How do you know this is real?" speech. Plus 10
- Is that "Weekend Warrior" we hear? As much as it pains us, plus 3
- The Jewish girl is wearing a kaffiyeh from Urban Outfitters. Plus 8
- The Phi Pi house looks suspiciously like an apartment. Exposed wiring in the ceiling saves it, though, so we're calling this one Even.
- Drunk Emily confesses how jealous she is of her slutty friend, and how badly she wants to be a slut, too. This is totally Mean Girls, when Lacey Chabert tells all of Rachel McAdam's secrets to Lindsay Lohan right before LiLo sabotages the Plastics! Plus 3 for staying true to the formula, but if Natalie's LiLo, then who are her Goth Sidekick + Gay Best Friend?
- Emily! You slut! It's over, you cheating bitch, Chris is LEAVING YOU FOREVER PLUS 100! (ok maybe just plus 1)
- But minus 5 because Emily is so not dumb enough to wear Brad's shirt. Plus 10 because of course she starts talking "love" to get Chris to stay, and plus 3 more when her stupid drunk friend totally blows it, because, gawd, Amanda, you are so annoying and you always breathe too loud and! and! Wait! Chris! Don't go! Net: Plus 3
- But here's the thing about Chris' BFD Hotel School thing: Everyone at Cornell knows that, first year out, Hotelies make the most money. Doctors, on the other hand, have at least seven more years of being poor and eating ramen. Also, Hotelies throw the best parties (they are basically majoring in party-throwing) which means Chris' switch to hotel school would actually make him even more attractive to Emily as college boyfriend / first husband material. Minus 10
- Frat induction in the middle of a mediocre beer pong party? With random guests? Faker than a sorostitute tan in January. Minus 6
- Plus 4 for Lex's amazingly accurate dude-break-down featuring increasingly loud proclamations of "What the hell?" "No, I'm not crying" and "Let's go drink." Alcoholism: Eating your feelings for adults
TOTAL POSITIVE POINTS: 70 + 4 meta-points
TOTAL NEGATIVE POINTS: 45
RESULT: 25 points, donated directly to the Give Emily Her Own Show fund
IVY Episode 3: In Which Everyone Deals With Seasonally-Affected Mood Disorders.
Note: If you have trouble with the embeds, go to ICTV's website and watch there.
- Following her BFF breakup with alpha bitch Emily, Amanda is a total mess. "She used to pick out my clothes for me. I don't know how to do anything but iron my hair." Plus 3, because lonely boyfriend-less dames always substitute their besties into "significant other" territory; girlfriend's probably got one of those "Gilmore Girl" relationships with her mom, too. But minus 2 because I'm still waiting for the smeared mascara.
- "An insane asylum— or worse, State school." Plus 5.
- Nobody uses iChat, but Amanda would namedrop her computer make and model, even though MacBook Pro is kind of lame. It's all about the Air. Net: Even
- Emily's still wearing her kaffiyeh. Minus 3 because Alpha Bitch wouldn't repeat an outfit like that.
- "I don't even know what you said, but it was something." This applies to beer-soaked parties and the lecture hall. Plus 2 because college is consistent like that.
- "One. Two. Twenty." Plus 4 because smart bitches are always the meanest ones.
- Of course, in the middle of a semester, it'd be next to impossible to find two new roommates. But then, she's Emily. She does what she wants, and she could always import someone from another state to be her new gopher. Even
- Is Lex wearing an onion ring on his ear? Bro may be a dimbulb, but he's also vain enough never to let satured oil so close to his face. As much as we don't like to admit it, college kids are still young enough to have acne. Minus 3
- Minus 4 for the collar under Keith's sweatshirt. Only asocial math geeks do that, although I once knew this crazy prep school girl who wore popped collar polos on the Elliptical machine. Minus 1 more, because I hated that girl.
- Gorge-icide. Tasteless, but kind of true. Plus 4 for accuracy, but minus 4 for not carting him to Dick's House or at least calling an RA, because even if it's kind of cheesy, it's what they would have done. Any college kid worth his salt knows the ins and outs of the leather couch; psychoanalysis is all but a rite of passage for our neurotic generation. Net: Even
- How did they get snow if they filmed this over the summer? Does IVY control the weather, now, too? Plus 3 because they had to have networked God himself to make this happen.
- Plus 1 more for using subtitles in the gorge scene which lets us listen to the dully mind-numbing roar of the gorges whilst indulging that Ivy League desire for art house snobbery and stuff from other countries.
- Natalie transferring to Harvard: Pure genius. Natalie is that rare Ivy League species known as the Chronic Transferer. Addicted to prestige, enamored with her outsider status, the Chronic Transferer thinks she's better than everybody else despite having shit grades and being incapable of getting in to any of her choice schools. So she enrolls at a less-favored school, overloads her schedule, studies herself senseless, and scoffs at her peers; after improving her academic record and making precisely 0 friends, Chronic Transferer trades up for a better school and starts the process over again. See also: Obsessive Major-Switchers, People Who Live For Shopping Period, Kid Who Insists On Skipping Prereqs Only To Drag Down The Entire Advanced Class With Inane Questions And Off-Topic BS. Plus 10
TOTAL POSITIVE POINTS: 32
TOTAL NEGATIVE POINTS: 13
RESULT: 19 points say that Natalie ends up writing off American education as a whole and moves to Paris next year.
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December 15th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
> “I don’t even know what you said, but it was something.” This applies to beer-soaked parties and the lecture hall. Plus 2 because college is consistent like that.
Possibly also a Seinfeld reference.
December 15th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
You embedded episode 3 in both places, or at least that’s what plays in both places. Minus 100
December 15th, 2008 at 6:05 pm
Best episode yet.
December 15th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
The guy from Zimbabwe is a horrendously bad actor.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Thank God you finally said something about the Hotel School and the money. Just another example of how IC kids obvi never do their homework. Also no one ever jumps off of THAT bridge.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
This show is awesome!I’m all for giving that conniving ,little biatch Emily her Own show so we can watch her do what she does best-screw with everyone. She’s the talent in the cast-that’s for sure.Love her.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:44 pm
Love Emily and Amanda. I’m not sure who I like better. I think they are the most talented out of all of them. Amanda’s drunken rant at the party? Loved it.
December 16th, 2008 at 12:07 am
Most hilarious episode yet. Insanely rapid and lame plot development …then a Harvard joke? It’s great because it really accurately distills a prevalent attitude.
Bradley and Bill Nye was also pretty great.
December 16th, 2008 at 1:01 am
No no no, Natalie is the Harvard Transfer, not Amanda. Gosh!
December 16th, 2008 at 1:09 am
love it
December 16th, 2008 at 1:58 am
Damn, Re: name slip + embed issues. Working on it.
December 16th, 2008 at 3:44 am
Dude! Drunk Emily didn’t admit to wanting to be a slut, Amanda did! Ahh!
December 16th, 2008 at 8:43 am
I agree that the guy from Zimbabwe is a bad actor. He also speaks wayyy too slowly.
December 16th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
what? no minus for harvard not accepting transfers? come on.
December 16th, 2008 at 1:04 pm
Hey, not all IC students have no homework. I resent that
December 16th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Hey, not all IC students have no homework. I resent that.
December 16th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
Sorry about the double-post. It kept taking me to an error page.
December 16th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
A) The black kid is a brilliant actor. The funniest part of the whole show is watching how he intentionally overacts when he launches into his pseudo-philosophical soliloquies. I don’t know how anyone can refrain from laughing when he does things like mispronounce infamous and insist he’s correct. If you’re reading this, keep up the good work.
B) I think the article has Natalie pegged wrong as the prestige obsessed “chronic transferer.” Imagine you went to a school and wound up with only this handful of asshats in your life. I know I wouldn’t stay long. It might be a sort of clumsy way to move the plot along, but I don’t think you can really attribute her desire to transfer for any need to garner prestige. Besides, the actress who plays Natalie is hot.
December 16th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
why is cornell in the ivy league again?
December 16th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
At first I thought this was shitty, because I often dozed off and woke up thinking I was watching Laguna Beach. But that’s what it’s supposed to be. Vacant characters, awkward conversations (the second scene between sissy boy and art girl in particular)… it’s all spot on. Keep it up.
December 16th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
We just lost a lot of money! Report!
December 16th, 2008 at 9:07 pm
Boohoo – an Ivy League school losing money? Karma’s a bitch. Like anyone cares. You’ve got enough fucking money.
Great show. Loved the suicide bridge. Pretty snazzy with the snow.
December 17th, 2008 at 3:12 am
PSU’10, What the hell does karma have to do with anything? All sorts of institutions are losing money, Penn State included. But, as far as the boohoos go, we do still have plenty of money left to keep everything going smoothly. Hope you can say the same after “karma” has done its work.
December 17th, 2008 at 8:24 am
the writing on this show is somehow worse than its acting.
December 17th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
PSU, your endowment lost around 25% too. The thing is, 25% of your endowment is something like $500 million… as opposed to $6 billion. Indeed, like anyone cares.
December 17th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
PSU why are you reading ivygate? there must be some blog dealing with state school issues. i bet they write articles about all the cool fingerpainting you guys do!
December 17th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Sick state school jokes guys…Way to make more people think that Yalies are douchebags.
December 17th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
“Boohoo – an Ivy League school losing money? Karma’s a bitch. Like anyone cares. You’ve got enough fucking money.”
Y’11, why don’t you have some balls and stand up for your school rather than being an insecure apologist? Responding to the above statement in defense of a newsworthy story and in support of our financial office’s conduct does not count as being a douchebag.
December 17th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
The writing was a bit subpar. But was it supposed to be like, because it sounds like “The Hills?” I dunno.
I really liked the Bradley guy. Reminds me of like 5 of my friends at school. Pretty accurate. Plus Natalie – smokin’. I’d love to be her “Chris”
December 18th, 2008 at 2:29 am
I don’t know which I despise more about this show: watching frat types for such an extended period of time, or the terrible script/acting/narrow stereotypes. I mean, I love caricature, but this show basically takes one Cornell subtype and projects it upon the whole school. And getting the hotel school dynamic wrong is pretty terrible. did they do any on campus scouting? There’s at least a dozen different cornell personalities to make fun of… why not mix in some competing plots? and the suicide was stupid… i mean the THIRD episode, over something so stupid? Laguna beach looks like Tolstoy compared to this stuff.
December 18th, 2008 at 3:32 am
planning on writing about the yale endowment any time soon??
December 18th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
i know one of the ithaca kids in this video, and he’s about as much of an annoying douchebag in real life as any of the satirical characters in this shitty show. also, if you’re going to parody ivy league elitism, why set it at cornell? the place is an ivy league parody already.
December 18th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
lol is right. there really isnt any point of self- parodying the ivy league at a school barely capable of calling itself a member. plus, i don’t find it accurate. perhaps these cornellians are merely imagining what life outside of the safety school would have been like?
December 18th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Actually the kids who made this are Ithaca College kids, not Cornellians. They share the same town as Cornell. My guess is that they didn’t make it for the Ivy League to mock Cornell. More, just their interpretation of what Cornell is (which is kind of close – obviously not 100% accurate, because that’s the problem with stereotypes, but it still makes for good television)
Of course Laguna looks like Tolstoy compared to this – because it’s MTV and everything they produce will be considered television classics for years to come (cough). Given that these were college kids, I commend them for a great job. I look forward to season 2.
December 18th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Good thing Harvard doesn’t accept transfers. Check your facts, Ivy. This show is really terrible
December 18th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
This stopped being amusing about 30 seconds in.
Conclusions?
1. IC kids have way too much time on their hands
2. IC kids really wish they went to Cornell/other Ivy
3. IC kids can’t even put in the effort to properly research the institution they are attempting to parody
4. IC kids are terribly actors
December 18th, 2008 at 10:55 pm
Terribly actors? I thought you were supposed to be Ivy League “H11″ haha guess they didn’t teach grammar yet…
December 18th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
@ assorted yalies, No one cares about your endowment. Every other ivy league endowment is down too. Plus I am not sure what the story would say that you all don’t already know.
December 19th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
emily=every jewish penn girl, and i say this as a jewish penn girl
December 20th, 2008 at 3:29 pm
To everyone complaining about the “bad” acting and script: isn’t that sort of the point? It seems to me that they’re trying to model the show on contrived reality programs like Laguna Beach — awkward dialogue, exaggerated melodrama, and all. If that’s the tone they’re aiming for, they’ve certainly nailed it.
December 21st, 2008 at 12:46 pm
Princetonite – well said. I think the show was really good. Yea it didn’t capture Cornell 100% to it’s fullest potential, but whatever. I mean, there are like 50 different stereotypes here. You can’t expect these IC Kids to nail them all in 3 30 minute episodes. And you can’t expect to them to cover every single aspect of Cornell either.
Maybe a Season 2 is in order????
December 21st, 2008 at 3:12 pm
Y ‘11 is why Yale sucks.
December 21st, 2008 at 6:16 pm
Y’11 is just a pompous prick. I have nothing against Cornell, and have only respect for them. We’re all Ivy League – why do we have to pick fights with each other? If anything, everyone here should be knocking this Ithaca College for having the nerve to rub shoulders with Cornell.
I loved the show – but I mean, who gives them a right to make fun of them?
Answer: who cares – it’s funny.
December 21st, 2008 at 6:51 pm
It matters that Cornell is not in the top ten, because, having already acceded to a world-class university, Y’11 has no means by which to artificially extend his prick. Once s/he graduates and realizes that a Yale B.A. is not a golden ticket to success (unless you’re already elite and already have connections), s/he’ll have to make the sad realization that, all the while, the Ithaca College kids were having more fun, getting laid more often, and will still get the same jobs, depending on how well they do.
December 23rd, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Who the fuck goes to Ithaca College? I never even heard of them till now. If these kids were so talented, wouldn’t they be at NYU? I can’t believe Cornell is putting up with this State School crap. Where is the retaliation?
If some kid from BU, came knocking on Harvard’s door with a camera, I’d punch him in the face and tell him to bugger off. This has to be a joke.
The people who created this have no talent, and are most likely not even that intelligent.
December 23rd, 2008 at 7:45 pm
tell us how you really feel Concerned…..
December 24th, 2008 at 2:23 am
This show is great, since these stereotypes are so far off and the acting/writing is awful. I don’t think anyone would enjoy it, let alone watch it otherwise. I also really enjoyed the above Yalie fight, Eli would be proud.
December 30th, 2008 at 3:32 am
The transitions are pretty great. They did a nice job of highlighting certain areas of the Cornell campus.
December 31st, 2008 at 2:41 pm
At first when I heard about this in the Daily Sun, I overlooked it. But the everyone told me I had to watch it.
I wish I watched it sooner. My god this is some funny shit! I didn’t think those IC kids had any talent in them, but holy crap was I wrong. It looks like something on MTV! I loved it!
I even joined the Facebook group they have for it!
January 1st, 2009 at 6:06 pm
This show is so amazingly good. I love it!
January 5th, 2009 at 1:25 am
ok, IC is not a state school. no SUNY schools are this ridiculous. i can’t wait until cornell security/campus police/? kicks them off campus.
January 6th, 2009 at 3:29 am
Why would they get kicked off? They aren’t doing anything wrong… or illegal…
January 6th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Not ivy-related at all (except for one joke in the first episode I think?) but at Bowdoin they also made a “reality” show, but more in the vein of The Office than The Hills. If you ignore the youtube video quality, it’s actually pretty good.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoaFtvXCDFE
January 6th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Even if they do get kicked off – I’d certainly use my super-graduate powers as a law student to defend them!
April 16th, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Dude… IvyGate dropped the ball! – Daily Sun announced this earlier in the week http://www.ictv.org/show/Ivy/
Great Ep. Glad the series is back.
April 19th, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Loved the new episode. Looking forward to the next one whenever it comes out. Anyone know how many they are doing this semester?
April 24th, 2009 at 1:25 am
HOLY SHIT! Ludacris was fucking sick!
Ludacris was definetly the best part of the new episode.
Good stuff overall though.