The intrepid lads and lasses of Ithaca College — some sort of liberal arts dealie that coexists with the Ivy Most Likely To Have An Inferiority Complex And/Or Belong To A Sorority — have created a delightful little soap opera entitled IVY. Filmed on Cornell’s campus, IVY “may or may not be based on actual Cornell students. … Okay. Yeah, they’re kind of based on actual Cornell students. Like pretty much.” The resulting parody so inspired, so ingenious, so delightfully spot-on, why, it almost makes you wish you went to a safety school! But seriously: I nearly died choking on my Diet Coke Plus with Vitamins during the opening scene, featuring a back-to-school monologue from Sorostitute #1, Emily:
Sure, the acting can be a little awkward, and the camera work kind of makes me motion-sick, but in the context of college, social discomfort and a lingering scent of vomit only enhance the cinema vérité quality. Emily emerges as the Blair Waldorf of the bunch, the scheming princess with her pussywhipped pre-med boyfriend, Chris. But Chris is having a change of heart! He’s thinking about dropping out of Orgo! Even worse— he might be falling for Natalie, the outcast studio art major with a nose pierce and Jenny Lewis bangs!
After the jump (and mostly because “Gossip Girl” isn’t on this week, which leaves a big hole in the “painfully-soundtracked elitist melodrama” part of our hearts) more video and we knock off Daily Intel’s Gossip Girl reality index.
IVY Episode 1 Reality Index: In Which the Black Kid Has No Name
- Natalie, the “artsy” one sports a nose ring, which is so teen rebellion circa 2000, but what’s college if not the place to live out your junior high dreams? Plus 5
- Emily has 10 pounds of frizz-ease in her hair (plus 1— curly-haired girls always overcompensate when the weather’s warm and humidity threatens) but those sunglasses are far too small and lack flashy designer logos (minus 5) Net: Minus 4
- The dumb kid who bought his admission with a trust fund explains: “My father is an executive at a moderately well known Fortune500 company.” What, no namedrop? Minus 5, because if his last name isn’t Olin, Weill, or Kyle, we’re not listening.
- “Did you know 99% of all Cornell grads go on to become important people?” Plus 3
- (Ok, I admit, the whole premise of this episode— that Natalie is an outsider because she’s major in Art— is ridiculously thin, particularly given that Cornell features some legitimately “weird” majors like “Crop and Soil Sciences” and whatever the heck Hotelies major in. But to acknowledge the depth of idiocy behind this plot element would be to destroy the whole show, thereby ruining my ability to procrastinate from my real life by watching it and writing obsessive reality indexes about it, so let’s just suspend disbelief and keep going…)
- Lex is Guitar Hero-ing “Barracuda” by Heart. Plus 2 because this is on Guitar Hero III, and no self-respecting rich kid would be playing anything other than the most recent release. But minus 2 for missing a perfectly good chance gratuitous self-reference: Should’ve been “School’s Out” by Alice Cooper. Net: Even
- Good lord. The black kid is actually going to fake that British accent the whole time, isn’t he? I’m pretty sure every Ivy has at least one pretentious Comp Lit major who actually spends four years doing that, but usually he gets expelled for felony-grade identity fraud. Minus 20 for the principle of it. These points are, however, fully redeemable, should faux-Brit later become embroiled in a scintillating scandal wherein his name turns out to be Akash Maharaj.
- Squash! Knee-socks! Short-shorts! Country Club + Homo-Ambiguity = All Frat, All the Time Plus 5
- Wait a minute— “mate”? That’s an Australian accent? Also, can someone please give the black kid a name so I can stop calling him “black kid” because I’m going to start looking like a racist if this goes on any longer. Minus 2
- Emily wouldn’t use photocopied fliers to destroy the sexual reputations of her foes. She’d use JuicyCampus. Minus 1 for missing the medium, but plus 3 for giving us a “Mean Girls” flashback, and plus 3 more for the fact that nobody thought starting an STD rumor was so bad until it turned out to actually be true and then things got awkward because, like, close to home. Net: Plus 5
- Still-unnamed-racial-minority bullshits on modernism but can’t pronounce basic SAT vocab, probably because he learned it out of context and written down on the page of a Kaplan test prep booklet, which is the same reason I used to call it “rheTORic.” Plus only 3, because he is from The United Kingdom of Down Under, and maybe words are different there?
- Keith! His name is Keith! And he winks when he gloats, and licks his lips when playing matchmaker. Plus 2
- Aww, Chris’ passion is demeaning work in a thankless service industry known for individually wrapped mini-soap-bars and toilet paper origami. Exactly the sort of dream an effete, pussywhipped follower like him would have. Plus 3
- Oh gross, is that Dave Matthews Band? Minus infinity for bad taste, but since douchenozzle dorm hoppers do tend to revere the irritating melodies of their misguided youths, whatever. Plus or minus however-many-you-need-to-break-even because I’m too lazy to count it up.
Total: 0. Know what that means? You have to make another episode, ICTV! And if Keith mysteriously loses his accent, I promise not to deduct any continuity points.