Dunster House was the drunkest house at Harvard this weekend, where Halloween went terribly awry for one delightfully impaired student who shall be known only by the first initial of his last name: U. In the wee hours of morning on November 1, an email shot through cyberspace:

From: [redacted]@harvard.edu
Date: Sat, Nov 1, 2008 at 4:18 AM
Subject: Mr. U.’s exciting Halloween in Dunster
To: [redacted]@harvard.edu

Dear Mr. U.:

I hope your Halloween 2008 was eventful, since you probably don’t remember much of it. A few events in my room during this night is quite regrettable. Since you were blacked out, I think a summary is in order. Best of all, there are two exciting parts to your adventure in my room :

Part I.
1. You puked everywhere outside the hallway, making it almost too nauseous to even enter my own room
2. You puked onto the futon
3. You puked all over my hallway right outside my bedroom
4. You puked in my bedroom onto my computer chair, where I found you with your pants to your ankles in your underwear sitting on top of your puke
5. You puked all over a bunch of my sweaters and jackets

Part II. [I leave my room, leaving you asleep with the trash can next to you and return in 2 hours to find that:]
1. You puked all over the table I had put across my bedroom door to make sure you don’t make your way there again
2. You puked all over the floor of my hallway
3. You took multiple shits in the hallway in front of my bedroom door, then proceeded to step in the shit and smear it all over my bathroom floor.
4. You smeared shit onto my sink, but I wiped this off out of necessity.

I found you sitting on top of the toilet, with your jeans at your ankles. Hey, at least you made it to the toilet?

The embattled puked-upon emailer (henceforth Mr. PU) delivers the “good news” after the jump. Also: Photographic evidence from the scene of the stench (SFW, but NSF-lunch-break)

Now, for some good news:
1. You didn’t puke on too much of my actual stuff, only on some jackets and sweaters.
2. You missed the computer! High five!
3. You didn’t shit in my room. I guess that table deterrent worked?
4. You didn’t smear the shit around too much
5. You didn’t destroy any property

I walked you back to your room in your half drunken stupor. But I will say this, imagine coming back to your room to find that someone had taken not one, but multiple shits in front of your bedroom door. I would say that you’re very lucky to be such a big guy.

I know you are a man of character and integrity, and this is clearly a night that neither of us will want to remember. I trust that you will do the right thing. For your amusement, some pictures are attached.

I hope you enjoyed your time in Dunster [redacted]. Next time, you might want to try not to shit on the floor of someone else’s room.

Thank you for your time,
[redacted]

No word on whether and in what condition Mr. U returned. I submit, however, that Mr. PU is totally lying when he claims not to want to remember Mr. U’s night of a thousand vomits. He took the pictures, he penned the letter, and he is totally basking in the glory, because if there’s one thing being puked-upon wins you, it’s some disgustingly amazing bragging rights, and a trump card at every gross-out contest from here to the end of time (also known as “graduation”).

These pictures are really groaty, so we’re publishing them small. If for some reason you doubt their veracity or want to see them blown up and in detail, click away.