Whartonite Wins Lottery, Poor People Pissed

Whartonites worried that the recent i-bank apocalypse will spoil their plans to bathe nightly in a sea of money, fear not! There’s always the lottery, an institution weirdly remniscient of Ivy League admissions, anyway. (Fill out bubbles in #2 pencil, wait anxiously, be disappointed 99.9% of the time.) In an article titled “RICH GET RICHER IN LUCKY $CRATCH,” the Post reports that the first-ever winner of the “$1 million a year for life” lotto is a dispassionate i-banking Whartonite:

Keenan Altunis, 33, a banker raised on Long Island and now living in London, accepted his prize with a smug shrug, noting he’s already a multimillionaire.

“Is it going to materially change my life? No,” he told The Post. “I have been a very blessed and fortunate person.”

And if that isn’t an argument for spreading the wealth around, how about this: Since he lives in Britain, Altunis, an executive at the European banking firm Unicredit, will have to pay New York but not federal taxes on his winnings, which means he’ll net $931,500 a year for the rest of his life.

Irony Gods, are you serious?

“Don’t get me wrong, no matter how rich anyone is, a million a year is a lot of money,” he said. “But I don’t expect this to change my life very much at all.”

The family left New York yesterday for a vacation in the Caribbean – one that had already been planned and paid for prior to his winning ticket.

Apparently so.

There is a chance that every single news outlet misspelled Altunis’ name (sweet justice?) because the only Keenan Altunis we can find in Penn’s records is one Kenan Altunis (Wharton ’97), whose sole claim to fame was being in a frat and being quoted in the DP once about beer. IronyGoddammit.

32 Responses to “Whartonite Wins Lottery, Poor People Pissed”

  1. Columbia 11 Says:

    Hahaha

    That is just awesomely ridiculous.

  2. Columbia 11 Says:

    Hahaha

    That is just awesomely ridiculous.

  3. Silly Rabbit Says:

    Like the exact opposite of a crack-addict finding out he has AIDs.

  4. Silly Rabbit Says:

    Like the exact opposite of a crack-addict finding out he has AIDs.

  5. Dartmouth Says:

    Looks like Dartmouth is going to lose its spot in the Forbes rankings of wealthiest alumni…

  6. Dartmouth Says:

    Looks like Dartmouth is going to lose its spot in the Forbes rankings of wealthiest alumni…

  7. Anonymous Says:

    No, Americans are required to pay federal income tax on their total income, regardless of where they live. There’s an exemption for people living overseas, but it’s only on something like the first $75,000 of income (and I’m not sure it applies to lottery winnings, it might apply only to income EARNED overseas).

    So at least Uncle Sam gets his share back.

  8. Anonymous Says:

    No, Americans are required to pay federal income tax on their total income, regardless of where they live. There’s an exemption for people living overseas, but it’s only on something like the first $75,000 of income (and I’m not sure it applies to lottery winnings, it might apply only to income EARNED overseas).

    So at least Uncle Sam gets his share back.

  9. anonymous Says:

    So wait…a Wharton Grad was dumb enough to play the lottery?

    Suddenly the critical mismanagement of the financial sector is not so surprising.

  10. anonymous Says:

    So wait…a Wharton Grad was dumb enough to play the lottery?

    Suddenly the critical mismanagement of the financial sector is not so surprising.

  11. Anonymous 2.0 Says:

    Horrid.

  12. Anonymous 2.0 Says:

    Horrid.

  13. nic b Says:

    Fucker.

  14. nic b Says:

    Fucker.

  15. Haha Says:

    Dude should be thrown off a cliff.

    What a dick. At least accept the money with some humility.

  16. Haha Says:

    Dude should be thrown off a cliff.

    What a dick. At least accept the money with some humility.

  17. dmouth09 Says:

    He’s not a dick for winning the lottery. Even what he said wasn’t that outrageous. He just said that it’s nice that he won the lottery but it won’t change his life.

  18. dmouth09 Says:

    He’s not a dick for winning the lottery. Even what he said wasn’t that outrageous. He just said that it’s nice that he won the lottery but it won’t change his life.

  19. Penn '12 Says:

    You guys are giving him a bad rap, he’s not horrid, a fucker, or a dick. He played the odds, just like everyone else. Yes, ideally he’d give the money to charity or whatever, but he’s under no obligation to. It’s his money now.

  20. Penn '12 Says:

    You guys are giving him a bad rap, he’s not horrid, a fucker, or a dick. He played the odds, just like everyone else. Yes, ideally he’d give the money to charity or whatever, but he’s under no obligation to. It’s his money now.

  21. angie Says:

    Here is a great article about college students and credit cards.

    http://www.collegecandy.com/reality/13964

  22. angie Says:

    Here is a great article about college students and credit cards.

    http://www.collegecandy.com/reality/13964

  23. Keggy Says:

    1. Cheap shirt.
    2. Crappy belt.
    3. Un-tailored jacket.
    4. Looks like he works in a warehouse.

    Dude, he probably needed the money more than me.

  24. Keggy Says:

    1. Cheap shirt.
    2. Crappy belt.
    3. Un-tailored jacket.
    4. Looks like he works in a warehouse.

    Dude, he probably needed the money more than me.

  25. Silly Rabbit Says:

    That last comment is just all kinds of stupid. Dressing like page 17 of a GQ catalog in no way reflects your social status or level of intelligence (clearly). It just states that you’re really deeply, almost insecurely focused on how others perceive you.

    Wharton-graduate and employed Banker gets close to a million dollars a year for not dying. Wear your cargil hipster jackets to your heart’s content, that doesn’t change.

  26. Silly Rabbit Says:

    That last comment is just all kinds of stupid. Dressing like page 17 of a GQ catalog in no way reflects your social status or level of intelligence (clearly). It just states that you’re really deeply, almost insecurely focused on how others perceive you.

    Wharton-graduate and employed Banker gets close to a million dollars a year for not dying. Wear your cargil hipster jackets to your heart’s content, that doesn’t change.

  27. ViolentQuaker Says:

    I guess this why we can still raise record-breaking amounts of money in a recession

  28. ViolentQuaker Says:

    I guess this why we can still raise record-breaking amounts of money in a recession

  29. Anonymous Says:

    Enjoy your winings, those calling you names will burn in HELL.

  30. Anonymous Says:

    Enjoy your winings, those calling you names will burn in HELL.

  31. Ironrav Says:

    WTF? Is this for real?

  32. Ironrav Says:

    WTF? Is this for real?

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