Whartonite Wins Lottery, Poor People Pissed
Whartonites worried that the recent i-bank apocalypse will spoil their plans to bathe nightly in a sea of money, fear not! There’s always the lottery, an institution weirdly remniscient of Ivy League admissions, anyway. (Fill out bubbles in #2 pencil, wait anxiously, be disappointed 99.9% of the time.) In an article titled “RICH GET RICHER IN LUCKY $CRATCH,” the Post reports that the first-ever winner of the “$1 million a year for life” lotto is a dispassionate i-banking Whartonite:
Keenan Altunis, 33, a banker raised on Long Island and now living in London, accepted his prize with a smug shrug, noting he’s already a multimillionaire.
“Is it going to materially change my life? No,” he told The Post. “I have been a very blessed and fortunate person.”
And if that isn’t an argument for spreading the wealth around, how about this: Since he lives in Britain, Altunis, an executive at the European banking firm Unicredit, will have to pay New York but not federal taxes on his winnings, which means he’ll net $931,500 a year for the rest of his life.
Irony Gods, are you serious?
“Don’t get me wrong, no matter how rich anyone is, a million a year is a lot of money,” he said. “But I don’t expect this to change my life very much at all.”
The family left New York yesterday for a vacation in the Caribbean – one that had already been planned and paid for prior to his winning ticket.
Apparently so.
There is a chance that every single news outlet misspelled Altunis’ name (sweet justice?) because the only Keenan Altunis we can find in Penn’s records is one Kenan Altunis (Wharton ’97), whose sole claim to fame was being in a frat and being quoted in the DP once about beer. IronyGoddammit.
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