The rainbow-colored dust has yet to settle in Morningside Heights after the Spectator published “Education, Not Jubilation,” an editorial censuring Columbia Queer Alliance for “not balancing fun and learning” at this year’s Queer Awareness Month events. Among Columbia Queer Alliance’s offenses? Events organized by a totally separate group, and a giant inflatable penis that just happened to be on campus at the time at the behest of some oversexed band geeks. College: The only place where ownership of a giant inflatable penis could be ambiguous. Your blow-by-blow guide to Giant Inflatable Penis-gate:

• Blow 1: Spec blames the wrong group for having too much fun when QuAM, a group separate from the Columbia Queer Alliance, actually organized the events.
• Blow 2:  As an example of the offensive jubilation in the LGBTQ community, the Spec cites a giant inflatable penis at the month’s closing celebrations. Said phallus actually belonged to the CU Marching Band’s “Giant Penis Ring Toss” at the nearby homecoming carnival.
• Blow 3:  Amid a flurry of reader fury, editor-in-chief Tom Faure calls the whole thing “constructive criticism.” You know, the kind of constructive criticism that says “It’s okay to be gay, but can you please not be so damn out? I’m afraid I might catch it.”

Read highlights of the op-ed alongside some hilarious reader-generated parodies after the jump.

The Spec editorial argues,

If Queer Awareness Month’s events are meant to raise awareness of LGBT issues, then QuAM has emphasized the wrong events in its schedule. Though parties like Genderfuck may be a roaring good time, they can also alienate students uncomfortable with broadcasting their sexuality. Further, such openly sexual revelry can discourage members of the straight community from attending. Instead, the group should focus on promoting the month’s educational events with the same energy as it advertises its parties.

It’s worth noting that Spec ran several (rather complimentary) front page articles about the very “educational events” it claims QuAM failed to emphasize. What’s more, events featuring genitalia-shaped accoutrements occur regularly at Columbia (and almost all college campuses featuring crass 20-somethings) and raise no rancor. So, jubilant sexual discourse on campus equals good when it appears to be about straight sex. If it’s anything other than that, it’s bound to “alienate” (read: “offend”) rather than inform?

In protest of the Spec’s editorial, students organized a “Kiss-In” to hammer home the fact that events raising awareness about sexuality sometimes, uh, need to involve the mention of sex.

QuAM actually seems like they reserved most of the event slots for rather mature, sit-around-a-table-and-talk-about-books type of gigs. There were 25 events throughout the month and only 2 of them discussed sex, according to one student. In the Specs dream world, there might even be some racy chatting about some of the more G-rated queer cinema or a passing mention of Radclyffe Hall. In the real world, sex matters, and the best way to start building a better understanding between those who are still in the Closet of Comfortability (made that one up) regarding LGBT issues is to talk about sex. In fact, the idea of “thinking outside the closet” was sort of the theme to the entire month according to the Spectator article introducing the events.

Needless to say, Columbia students had a field day with this whole debacle. The best of a slew of comments on the Spec op-ed show how cool it would be if newspapers would criticize people for being themselves all the time:

Though established with foundational principles of ethic, healthy competition, sportsmanship, physical and emotional accomplishment, community-building and personal challenge, the teams and the department have devolved into a state of revelry and festering jubilation!….Enough celebrating at games, tail-gaiting, homecomings, and cheer-leading! Enough partying and silliness! The teams endlessly shove their revelrous team spirit in our faces with their uniforms and incessant presence at Dodge gym!”

If Black Heritage Month’s events are meant to raise awareness of race and African-American issues, then BHM has emphasized the wrong events in its schedule. Though parties like Black Power Party may be a roaring good time, they can also alienate students uncomfortable with broadcasting their race. Further, such openly racial revelry can discourage members of the white community from attending.

Evidently, the wicked root of all this “jubilation” might have been the now-legendary, no-pants-dance GenderFuck. If that’s the case then I’m rescinding my grad school application to Columbia. Because I love no-pants-dances. They really are a ton of fun.