Fact or Fiction? Dartmouth’s Sorority Sister Enthusiast

by Nina Shield | September 25, 2008 at 2:48 pm

A tipster directs us to this particularly charming yarn in the current Freshman Issue of the Dartmouth Review, in which pseudonymous writer Preston Q. R. Primrose regales us with his Penthouse Forum-esque quest for the “Real Dartmouth Seven.” He of course means sex: “a licentious visit to the seven sororities” all in one night. Allow us to recap.

Much like Odysseus, “Preston” and his “bros” kick off the evening by pregaming in the basement. Luckily, within an hour and a half a KDE senior booty-calls our young hero. By his own timeline, eight minutes after getting said text he has scored “one down, six to go.” This is a red flag that maybe we have an attempt at satire on our hands, kids, because… eight minutes (remember! that includes travel time and foreplay)? Is that really the example we want to set for the freshmen?

Next he shares with us an “old maxim”: “‘Hang out’ with KDEs, but wed a Tri Delt.’” I think the marginally more poetic version goes something like “So-and-so to bed, so-and-so to wed,” but his way works too.

Then Preston allocates over an hour to “Shit, Shower, Shave.” There is mention of Ray Ban Wayfarers. And the night ends with a completely realistic threesome with girls that just so happen to be from the remaining two sororities he needs to complete his mission. Fortuitous!

I’d go into more detail but reading it over and over is making my eyes bleed. Check out the entire thing here. So what do you say, Dartmouthians: any way this is real? Or even worse, do you know this fellow?

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7 Responses to “Fact or Fiction? Dartmouth’s Sorority Sister Enthusiast”

  1. h'09 Says:
    September 25th, 2008 at 4:34 pm

    i like how “banger” became “enthusiast”

  2. Stolen Keggy Says:
    September 25th, 2008 at 5:08 pm

    Definitely feasible, but the lack of detail leads me to doubt it’s validity.

  3. Hal Parker Says:
    September 25th, 2008 at 5:45 pm

    Definitely fiction. Any normal dude would lose interest in the whole thing after ejaculating three times.

  4. CU '08 Says:
    September 25th, 2008 at 7:07 pm

    I say fictitious for 2 reasons:
    1. Hal Parker hit the nail on the head. Would this really be enjoyable?
    2. Does anyone think there are 7 attractive women on any single Ivy campus? Be honest…

  5. D10 Says:
    September 26th, 2008 at 6:06 pm

    This is obviously just an attempt at a funny way to explain the stereotypes of the sororities

  6. Brotasm Says:
    September 27th, 2008 at 11:12 am

    Absolute shit. Who would want to fuck a Theta?

    Also the old maxim is actually “Date a Kappa, marry a Tri-Delt” – kappa’s hold much more social currency, but tri-delts have better birthing hips and baking skills.

  7. D'07 Says:
    September 27th, 2008 at 3:59 pm

    The Review recycles the same shit every year. It was funny a few years ago.

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