Having finally torn our eyes from Matt DiPasquale’s hirsute body long enough to actually read his magazine (or rather, having finally overcome the intense shame associated with even having the PDF open on our computer screens) we reach a whole new level of embarrassment-by-association. First, the editor is also the sole figure on the cover, a crime of vanity not even Oh So Fresh dared. Second, as fellow Harvardian Harrison Greenbaum notes,

I can only imagine Matt’s sale pitch: “All Playboy and Hustler ever give you are pictures of beautiful, naked women. At Diamond, we give the readers what they really want: shameless, half-naked shots of our hairy editor. Diamond: Where vanity meets profanity.

The cover article is ten pages of DiPasquale interviewing himself. This is a technique I used once in my 4th grade diary, and even then I had the wherewithal never to let anyone read it, much less line it with explicit images and seek funding from an Ivy League university based on the quality of this work. And to add insult to injury, DiPasquale’s self-interview isn’t even good.

After the jump, we break it down. Sneak preview: “my spooge tasted like unripe bananas.”

After characterizing himself as a “star forward on the Harvard Junior Varsity Ice Hockey Team… with virtually flawless grades and SAT scores [and] fives on ten Advanced Placement Exams” Matt rhapsodizes about Wayne Gretzky’s hot wife and ponders

Q: So, where’s your girlfriend?
A: Haha… Good question. I’m available and currently accepting applications! :)

Q: What qualities do you look for in a woman?
A: I like a woman that takes great care of her health and appearance: eats healthily, sleeps well, and exercises well so that she has clear skin and a great body; dresses well, does her hair, paints her nails, puts on makeup and maybe some lotion or fragrance, and is overall well-groomed. Natural beautiful is also important…

Q: What’s your ideal relationship?
A: A loving, supportive, genuine, fun, and open relationship with two or three special women. And we would go out and pick up other gorgeous girls together. I might have to move to LA.

Q: Anything prospective applicants should know?
A: I fart under the covers, Dutch-oven style, baby!

To be clear: This man would like “two or three” high maintenance chicks with perfect bodies and flaxen hair to have orgies with him in the bed he likes to fart in. The natural place for such situations is, of course, LA, because isn’t that where they film Nip/Tuck, and isn’t Lindsay Lohan bisexual or something?

But wait. It gets better! On the same page as his first full-frontal shot:

Q: Ya know, you really went balls out with this magazine… Literally.
A: My philosophy is, “Go big, or go home.” I figured I’d show off my good looks and sexy body while I’m still young.

Must… resist… size… joke…

After asking himself “What’s the craziest thing that’s ever happened to you?” DiPasquale tells a story about how two hot chicks once stopped him on the street and demanded he have a raunchy threesome with them. All you really need to know is this part:

She said my spooge tasted like unripe bananas.

Then he explains his sexual hygiene (“I make sure my partner’s mouth or vagina looks clean and healthy before, and I wash with warm water and soap directly afterward”) and explains the “Casanovic Oath.” (“I keep my partners anonymous like a doctor does his patients.”)

As for the now-infamous nude photoshoot, Greenbaum notes:

The obvious thing to point out is that he’s breaking the law and exposing himself out in public, in broad daylight. How did he not get arrested?

The answer is that he took these pictures in, like, 3 seconds. Look at the man with the red cap on walking off the bridge on the right side of the photo. In the subsequent photos, notice how he’s only inches further away. In other words, Matt wore his towel to the bridge (page 34), then threw it off (page 33), turned around for a sec to show his ass (page 35), and then turned back around again for another shot that looks almost identical to the first one (page 37).

That’s not a photo shoot — that’s just a crime.

I’d say this quote, from the DiPasquale self-interview, about sums the whole project up:

I need the whole world to know that I love sex.

And now they do.

As for the odds that DiPasquale pens a second issue (pictures of him… actually having sex?), the page with the Letter from the Editor astutely notes:

Then again, I just spent an hour dissecting a single article from this magazine. And there are still 34 more pages! So maybe DiPasquale is on to something, after all: a niche market for humorous vanity projects, driven by our collective desire to witness our most self-absorbed and/or trainwreck-y peers overexposing themselves on the internet. So write it, Matt, and we will come. But not like that.