Oh, Facebook. Why must you, like the girl in my English seminar who eats her feelings, return from Summer Break twice as wide as when we last parted? New Facebook, you are not hot. Not even a little bit, and Bwog agrees with me. Per Bwog: “A preference of New Facebook is no longer an acceptable option for anyone, ever.”
But fear not, Facebook-addicted Ivy Leaguers: the fattening of Facebook will seem insignificant compared to the impending loss of Scrabulous. The apocalypse is nigh! Sweet baby Jesus, hear our collective cry: “Please, God, I have so little: Don’t take Scrabulous, too!”
And, to make matters worse, as I sat at my desk with tears rolling down my cheeks, panic swelling beneath my Barnard T-shirt, no fucking clue as to how I would survive next year, I came across a gem of an article on TheDartmouth.com which can only have been written by a Facebook atheist.
That’s right, IvyGate, you heard it here first: Chris Talamo, Dartmouth ’11, does not believe in Facebook! Okay, fine, maybe he does, a little bit, but his lack of faith in our connectedness scares me. Talamo thinks that we have too many friends on Facebook, and have bastardized the very meaning of the word “friend.” According to Talamo’s recent Opinion piece, “like the monsters from whom you used to hide at night… these friend-poseurs are out there, waiting for the opportune moment to strike.”
In a nutshell, Talamo’s particular brand of faith is that Facebook friends are not your bestest school chums. Rather, they are “a convenient list of everyone you’ve ever touched, seen, smelt or heard (hopefully you haven’t tasted too many of them).”
But…I need my five hundred Facebook friends. I need them like I need YouTube and caffeine. No, Talamo, your words are lies! Lies and blasphemy against our precious social network. We will cover our ears and hum a few bars of “Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa” as you continue to urge ridiculously that “everyone should engage in a massive Facebook Friend purge. The next time that you’re racing to finish an assignment 15 minutes before it’s due, go on Facebook instead. Find the list of all of your friends, ready your mouse and start clicking X’s.”
Never fear, IvyGate, I have a plan. While the world of Facebook spins out of control before our very (disbelieving) eyes, let us band together and teach Chris Talamo a lesson. In these dark times, sometimes your hundreds of Facebook friends are all you have to hold onto.
Here’s the plan: Everyone who reads this should immediately log into Facebook and friend Chris Talamo. Yes! Do it! Flood his inbox with thousands of friend requests from people he has never met. Our very faith in Facebook is being tested, and we must be strong. Do you believe? Because I do. Oh, I do.