Welcome to judgment day, Ivy Leaguers, where we find out whether the grassy quadrangles encased by your school’s iron gates are a heaven or a hell. So gather round, because I’ve got the results hot off the press from The Princeton Review’s The Best 368 Colleges 2009. Gems from this Compendium of All Things Safety School after the jump.

The Best 368 Colleges 2009 Rankings

(now with parenthetical commentary from the actual book)

Brown:
#2 Happiest Students
#19 Lots of Race/Class Interaction
#7 Best College Radio Station
#15 Best College Theater
#18 Birkenstock-Wearing, Tree-Hugging, Clove-Smoking Vegetarians
#1 Colleges With a Conscience
(The guide says: “Athletes, preps, nerds and everyone in between come together because they love learning for the sake of learning and love Brown equally as much.”)

Columbia:
#10 Best College Library
#6 Great College Town
(The guide says: “Many students are book smart but not very worldly and can be very full of themselves,” and. “You can find conversations about everything from…Virgil’s Aeneid to the latest hipster music groups.”)

Cornell:
#5 Best College Library
#14 Best Career/Job Placement Services
#11 Best Campus Food
#7 Most Connected Campuses
(The guide says: “People just hate, hate, hate the food here.”)

Dartmouth:
#18 Students Dissatisfied With Financial Aid
#17 Colleges With A Conscience
(The guide says: “A reputation of being like summer camp,” and. “Artists, athletes, musicians and future leaders all gather together in the middle of nowhere.”)

Harvard:
#7 Students Study the Most
#1 Best College Library
#4 Students Happy With Financial Aid
#10 Dorms Like Palaces
#4 Best College Newspaper
#7 Most Politically Active Students
(The guide says: “Amazing, irresistible hell,” and everyone “works really hard. Doesn’t sleep. [Is] involved in a million extra curriculars.”)

Princeton:
#14 Best Classroom Experience
#20 Students Study the Most
#2 Best College Library
#1 Students Happy With Financial Aid
#2 School Runs Like Butter
#3 Happiest Students
#1 Most Beautiful Campus
#3 Best Quality of Life
#3 Most Politically Active Students
(The guide says: “Princeton is a lifestyle, not a school,” and, “Your average Princeton students wants to run the world, not change it.”)

University of Pennsylvania:
#20 Town-Gown Relations Are Strained
#14 Best College Newspaper
#4 Colleges with a Conscience
#3 Most Connected Campuses
(The guide says: “Partying is a much higher priority here than it is at other Ivy League schools,” and, “There’s the career-driven Wharton kid who will stab you in the back to get your interview.”)

Yale:
#12 Best Career/Job Placement Services
#19 School Runs Like Butter
#11 Happiest Students
#17 Lots of Race/Class Interaction
#1 Best College Newspaper
#1 Best College Theater
(The guide says: “Aside from the stress of midterms and finals, life at Yale is relatively carefree,” and one student notes, “A good friend of mine pledged a frat without drinking and that’s definitely not unheard of (but still not common).”)

Basically, everyone who goes to Princeton is so happy that they could almost pee their pants, Cornell’s food either sucks or doesn’t suck, the Yale Daily News is the shit, Widener Library pwns the hell out of Butler, and Brown’s just chillin’.

But wait, there’s more! I found some charming student testimonials in the back of the guide, and it looks like Columbia wins (or loses) by default. Okay, CU was the only Ivy mentioned, but Jesus are we Columbia (and Barnard) kids bitter:

“Columbia is like a fruit truck. It picks up varied exotic fruits and deposits them rotten at their destination.” –Paul L.

“The dances here [Columbia] are a riot because I love watching nerds and intellectuals dance.” –Male Senior

If someone designs T-shirts based on the fruit quote, I will SO hawk them outside John Jay during orientation.

Anyway, you guys know what to do: discuss amongst yourselves, and defend (or congratulate –if you’re a smug Princeton bastard) your school.