Batman! Bloody Batman!
This morning, at 12:01, The Dark Knight, which is a movie about the detective Batman, came out in theaters. I waited in line starting at 9 o’clock to watch it with lots of people who were way weirder than me. Some of them had painted their faces to look like clowns, and they were talking very loudly. The movie was playing on like thirty screens at Lincoln Center in New York, and you got to go inside based on what theater you were assigned to. One of my friends is an idiot and bought a ticket to a different theater than us, so I had to wait outside while she gave someone a blowjob to trade tickets so we could all sit together.
At the theater, all these kids from Columbia University high school summer camp or something ran into the auditorium and their counselors yelled about the greatness of Columbia summer camp. I think the campers don’t understand how stupid it is to do the high school Columbia summer camp. The NYU summer campers are much better dressed and, hey, maybe you could even get into NYU.
When we were all sitting in our seats, the person in the seat in front of me was watching “Batman 1″ on DVD and it was so funny to be watching a DVD on a computer in a movie theater. I thought he was wearing a Dartmouth hat, so I yelled, “Hey, did you go to Dartmouth?” and I think I’ve never felt like a bigger douchebag, ever, especially when he said, “Naw, dog, it’s a Dallas Cowboys hat.” I really love the Cowboys, so we could have been friends, but no, he thinks I went to Dartmouth.
The seriously good part of the night was when I watched Batman the real movie and I was crying blood because it was so crazy and awesome. There’s this part where the Joker kills this guy, Hong Kong style, so hard. Then, Batman makes his truck flip over when he’s riding his motorcycle. Then, he’s got to save Gotham before it’s too late, but everyone is corrupt and evil is the way of the world, so will he stop the Joker in time? There’s no love only fear and anger so the movie is never boring. You might have a headache when it is over because you have to be upset for a whole movie but the point of art is to make you very upset. I think Heath Ledger should have won an Oscar for this movie, so he wouldn’t have to kill himself.
Batman 2 is better than the ride Batman and Robin at Six Flags because the lines are the same length, but the movie is a lot longer than the ride and a lot more people die.
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July 18th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
Weak reporting. There wasn’t any blood in The Dark Knight.
July 18th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
It was the single largest trip in the history of the Columbia Summer High School Program.
July 18th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
This one time I was on the Red Line in Boston and this guy was on the train and I was like hey broski do you go to Harvard and he was like yeah and then later we both got off at Harvard Square and parted ways.
July 18th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Did this person actually see the film he “reviewed?”
July 18th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Could you really not find a better Batman picture for this post?
July 18th, 2008 at 7:32 pm
This article reads like you were drunk. It’s not quite over-the-top enough to seem ironic, and it’s far too uneven to be at all journalistic.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Of course Andrew Martin is drunk. And obviously he did not “see” the “film” he “reviewed”.
July 18th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
hey luminous ivygate poster “jazzarini”
you ever wonder why people call the ivy league a bunch of douchebags?
hrmm
for what it’s worth, I think this review captured “the batman” perfectly
and everyone who took art hum at columbia knows that “the point of art is to make you very upset”
July 19th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Maybe you didn’t know, or maybe you’ve forgotten, but Batman went to Princeton … http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2200092279
July 19th, 2008 at 3:30 pm
no it’s cool he asked the kid with the cowboys hat if it was dartmouth even though he knew it wasn’t so he could write about Batman.
July 20th, 2008 at 12:12 am
“I think Heath Ledger should have won an Oscar for this movie, so he wouldn’t have to kill himself.”
Does this sentence make any sense, or serve any purpose other than being really offensive? Bick got it right - there’s no way the Dartmouth thing even happened. It was just a stupid connection so he could write an incomprehensible Batman “review” on a blog on an ivy-league blog. And if it did happen, yes, what a mighty douchebag you are.
July 20th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Dartmouth11 you must be so right. There is no doubt he made up the Dartmouth thing. Maybe even made up Dartmouth, Columbia, and NYU! I mean, have you ever heard of them outside this article? That’s what I thought. Shameless, what some unethical journalists will do for a story.