The scene: A play at Princeton’s Berlind Theater needs a line-prompter. A group email seeks volunteers. To minimize needless responses, the vounteer is to “reply all” so everyone knows the position has been filled. Freshman KaYee Ivy Lau responds,

I can do it if you still need someone :)

Enter, stage two-left-feet: Roby Sobieski, sophomore thespian and little brother of actress Leelee Sobieski. Noticing Ms. Lau’s foreign-sounding name, Roby pens a patronizing response that quotes English dictionaries at length and points her to a career in telemarketing. He sends it to the entire list. An excerpt:

Dear Ka Yee Ivy Lau,

…As the Oxford English dictionary defines it, a prompter is: “A person in a theatre placed in a position next to the stage but out of sight of the audience, in order to be able to prompt the actors.”

Search for further information brought me this as well: “Prompts are mouthed silently or hurled lyrically in a half-voice, audible (hopefully) only on stage.”

Now while I’m sure that you would do your best, I have a feeling that someone who presses reply all and notifies his/her actions to an entire email list is not the best choice for the job of being discreet and/or silent in a theatre. Also, now everyone on this list would also be distracted during the production, wondering who the “elusive” Ka Yee Ivy Lay is.

But do not fret my friend, I am sure that somewhere out there, there is a job for you. Perhaps telemarketer?

For the record, Ivy is Princeton ’11 and attended one of the best international boarding schools in the world, located in the British Isles. We’re guessing she’ll do better than “telemarketer.”

Now, if the point of the original “reply all” was to minimize email clutter, Roby undid it, and then some. What follows is 50+ emails from the entire Berlind list-which includes not just students but alumni patrons, staff, and faculty-tearing the little Sobieski several new ones and assuring Ivy that she would, in fact, be a very good prompter. Then, the backlash: Stop spamming! Backlash to the backlash: Spamming is fun! Also, Roby’s sister has nice tits!

Roby’s final missive: A single hyperlink, to a clip of his sister discussing his sex appeal on national television. Lest there be any confusion: Roby Sobieski is not just any rude brat. He is a highly entitled, younger-sibling-of-someone-famous rude brat.

Complete story arc after the jump.

ACT I: RISING ACTION

Berlind director Daryl Waskow sends the first email, to the Lewis Center for the Arts list:

Sent: Friday, April 04, 2008 12:20:13
To: LewisCtr-STUDENTS@Princeton.EDU
Subject: Prompter needed Tonight and Tomorrow

Dear Students,
Tonight the Orange Woman opens in the Berlind Theater. As usual with a new play that been developed in rehearsal, we need a Prompter tonight and tomorrow. You will need to sit in the second row, follow along in the script, and read the lines if an actor calls for a line.

You would need to be in the Berlind Theater by 7:30 and check in with Carmelita Becnel, the Stage Manager. The play runs an hour and forty five minutes, so you will be done by 10:00.

Please let me know if you have any questions. Please reply all if you can help.

Thanks,

Darryl Waskow
[phone number redacted]

The intrepid Ms. Lau tiptoes to the fore:

Sent: Friday, April 04, 2008 14:29
From: Ka Yee Ivy Lau <[redacted]@Princeton.EDU>

I can do it if you still need someone :)

Roby sweeps onto the scene, dictionaries drawn and blazing:

Date: Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:15:09
From: Roby Sobieski <[redacted]@Princeton.EDU>

Dear Ka Yee Ivy Lau,

While I’m sure the Orange Woman would be pleased with your help, I’m not sure that you would be the right person for the job.

As the Oxford English dictionary defines it, a prompter is:

“A person in a theatre placed in a position next to the stage but out of sight of the audience, in order to be able to prompt the actors.”

Search for further information brought me this as well:

“Prompts are mouthed silently or hurled lyrically in a half-voice, audible (hopefully) only on stage.”

Now while I’m sure that you would do your best, I have a feeling that someone who presses reply all and notifies his/her actions to an entire email list is not the best choice for the job of being discreet and/or silent in a theatre. Also, now everyone on this list would also be distracted during the production, wondering who the “elusive” Ka Yee Ivy Lay is.

But do not fret my friend, I am sure that somewhere out there, there is a job for you. Perhaps telemarketer?

Sincerely yours,

Roby

ACT II: THE ENRAGED RESPONSE

Lewis list bitchslaps Roby, defends fair maiden KaYee Ivy Lau. The detractors include Roby’s peers:

Date: Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:38:11
From: Tessa Brown <[redacted]@Princeton.EDU>

Dear Roby,

Two points:

a. The original e-mail specifically said “reply all,” probably so as to prevent a tiresome accrual of numerous students’ generous offers of help.
b. Your e-mail was incredibly mean spirited. But we’re so glad you’re aware that the OED is the ultimate reference tool for English-speakers!

Sincerely thankful we don’t know you,

Tessa Brown and Annika Welander ’08

…an alumnus:

Date: Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:41:29
From: Jenny Chiurco <[redacted]@gmail.com>

You know, there are alumni on this list – myself included. And I can’t help but think that you’re being unnecessarily condescending to someone who was volunteering their time to help you out.

Did you by chance attend Horace Mann? Pick up a copy of New York magazine this week, read the article, and then think twice about the next time YOU hit reply all.

…and someone who got an ‘A’ in writing seminar for citing sources:

Date: Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:47:12
From: Dave Holtz! <[redacted]@Princeton.EDU>

Dear Roby Sobieski,

While I’m sure you meant to come off as a pretentious and arrogant prick
when you wrote this e-mail (at least I hope you did anyway), there is
something in your extremely obnoxious e-mail which is fundamentally
flawed. You suggest that “someone who presses reply all and notifies his
/ her actions to an entire e-mail list is not the best choice for the
job of being discreet and / or silent in a theater” (Sobieski, Line 7).
However, if you refer to the e-mail that Darryl Waskow originally sent
to the Lewis Center Students list serve, he requests that one should
“please reply all if [they] can help” (Waskow, Line 5). As you can
clearly see (or maybe you can’t, since you’re an idiot), someone who
notifies his/her actions to an entire e-mail list may very well may be
the best choice for the job of being discreet and/or silent in the
theater. This is particularly true since they have the ability to read,
comprehend, and follow direction. In case you misunderstand the
definition of read, since you failed to fully comprehend Mr. Waskow’s
original e-mail, it is defined by Oxford English Dictionary as:

“To consider, interpret, discern, etc.”

I would generally subscribe to the interpretation that when a person
says “please reply all” (Waskow, Line 5), one should reply all. Then
again, I’m not a pompous and overzealous ignoramus. I don’t disagree
that Ivy would be a great telemarketer, but I don’t treat the traits
that constitute telemarketer and prompter as mutually exclusive. Ivy is
actually really personable and great (two personality traits that you
seem to lack…), and would probably be quite successful in many
different fields. In the future, please restrain yourself from sending
e-mails of this nature. If you fail to do so, I will have no choice but
to continue to point out in public that you are a complete idiot.

In conclusion, shut up.

Sincerely,
Dave Holtz

Work Cited

Sobieski, Roby. The most obnoxious e-mail I’ve ever seen. 4 Apr. 2008.
Waskow, Daryll. Prompter needed Tonight and Tomorrow. 4 Apr. 2008.

Badly outnumbered and backed into a corner, the anti-hero apologizes:

Date: Fri, 04 Apr 2008 16:55:08
From: Roby Sobieski <[redacted]@Princeton.EDU>

Sorry to anyone who found my email insulting. I personally thought it was
funny and wasn’t being personal. If I’ve truly offended any of you I
apologize. Best of luck to the production.

ACT III: FALLING ACTION 

Innocent third-parties, annoyed by the “reply all” flood, renounce Berlind affiliations and demand liberation from torturous prison of escalating emails:

Date: Fri, 04 Apr 2008 17:15:42
From: Harry Schiff <[redacted]@Princeton.EDU>

Please remove the multi-pronged sticks from your collective asses. It
was a joke, a bad joke, but a joke. A horrible, stupid, waste-of-
precious-seconds-of-my-life-that-I-will-never-be-able-to-recover joke,
but a joke. You’re a presence is a stain upon this earth, your words
a poison to my ears, but nonetheless, I must defend you, you useless
piece of trash. At least if you read this I will consider myself
vindicated for the sacrifice of my precious seconds. Also, someone
needs to take me off this e-mail list which I have no business being on.

Love and kisses to all,

Harry

Newly-offended parties include a professor at NYU:

Date: Fri, 04 Apr 2008 15:25:18
From: Steve Wangh <[redacted]@NYU.EDU>

PLEASE STOP THIS REPLY TO ALL DELUGE!!

Stephen Wangh
Arts Professor (ret), NYU
Visiting Faculty, Naropa University

Alone in his guilt, abandoned by his peers, his inbox in shambles, the anti-hero limps back into the spotlight. His swan song:

Date: Fri, 04 Apr 2008 17:49:14 -0400
From: Roby Sobieski <[redacted]@Princeton.EDU>

http://www.mandjshow.com/videos/actress-leelee-sobieski/

                                – fin. –