Harvard’s Most Bestest Entrepreneur Reveals Admissions Secrets!
Last seen seeking his cyber-fortune by objectifying college girls with Hot-or-Not clone Miss Facebok, Harvard's Daniel Wallace '08 is back... and revealing the inner machinery of the beast itself, Harvard admissions! With the prose of Viagra-peddling spam and the typograpical design of a ten-year-old's AIM profile,Wallace's GetIntoHarvard.net sells a 56-page, $27 pamphlet that will "triple your chances of getting into Harvard." The guide comes with endorsements from "Bryan Kang, Harvard senior," and "Ganesh Raj Kumaraguru, England," because Brits have those smart-sounding accents, so just being from England is a credential in and of itself.
But where, you ask, does Wallace's expertise come from? Well, first he got into Harvard.
Since then, I have read over tons of books, over 1,000 blog posts, too many forum entries to count, and continued learning from my own hands-on admissions experience, all to keep Get Into Harvard cutting-edge with the latest information. [boldface and italicization from original]
"To think!" writes Legion, "That's over ten paragraphs a day... for four whole months!" We got a hold of Get Into Harvard (which is actually just a PDF file you pay to download), are providing a brief review and choice excerpts after the jump.
Wallace's "advanced, secret knowledge" consists of regurgitated material from Harvard's admissions website (how many essays, when are the deadlines), a few cliches, some statistics, and four sample essays. A 9-point list of "Ways to Increase your SAT and ACT Scores" includes "Take an SAT prep class" (actually, it includes test prep twice -- once at your school, and once with a private company). Basically, he sat at his computer for a few days going "think! think! errghh!" and squeezed out a small sheaf of double-spaced ponderings on college admissions.
The book-within-a-book cover:
A spiffy introduction:
Hi, my name is Daniel Wallace and I'm a member of the Harvard College Class of 2008. I'm a senior English concentrator and observer of trends in my immediate environment. What I hope to give you in this guide is a sense of Harvard student as individuals-- and what their traits mean for your eentual application to the most competitive college on the face of the planet. Get Into Harvard aims to give you the basics in an understandable format but also advanced, secret knowledge that will give you the edge over your competition in the coming months or even years. Some information in this guide is almost impossible to obtain elsewhere...
The next edition should include a multiple-choice personality quiz to determine Which Harvard Type Are You?:
Of the four essays, only one is worth reading, because it's about a girl accused of assaulting Newt Gingrich with a deadly weapon. This would be super juicy, except that it's actually a warm-your-heart vehicle for name-dropping her politician dad:
When I was seven, I was accused on national TV of breaking into the Capitol and committing an act of biolence against a prominent political figure.
Let me explain.
On Take Our Daughters to Work Day, I joined my dad at his job as Speaker of the Florida House of Representatives. ... I was handed the heavy wooden gavel, shown where to bang it, and at the appropriate time, brought it crashing down in three loud swings. Newspaper photographers captured the moment and the photo of me wielding that gavel was published in dozens of newspapers across the country.
This essay works, Wallace writes, because it "grabs the reader's attention and doesn't let it go." Also, it shows that the applicant is well-connected and probably rich. That's type #3, the "Smart Legacy." Unless she is considered an "Underrepresented Minority" (child felons) or "Community Service Superstar" (vigilante vanquisher of irritating politicians).
28 Comments | 
| 
Print This Post
Read more: Admissions, Harvard
Email – 
Search
About
Follow us on Twitter
Report a bug
Archives
RSS Feed
February 29th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
The travesty here is not the unbelievable douchyness of the author and book but the fact people will buy this thing in troves. Wallace is simply taking advantage of the ignorant American public who sees getting into Hahvahd as the crowning achievment of life, never mind if it’s not a good fit or doesn’t facilitate one’s major or, more probably, just sucks. Regardless… this makes me ashamed of the consumers, not the producer.
February 29th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
It’s trash like this that makes people hate Harvard. Why are you encouraging them, IvyGate?
February 29th, 2008 at 7:34 pm
@Uncle Toby:
Yeah, true that. I’m actually good friends with a Harvard econ professor who says their undergrad department sucks.
February 29th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
The ten types are spot-on, only thing I’d add is that the only legacies we give a shit about are rich ones whose folks have donated -a lot- otherwise, you’re fucked.
March 1st, 2008 at 3:15 am
previous poster is right; it may not be PC, but the 10 types thing is pretty accurate as far as generalizations go
March 1st, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Is Harvard on board with the use of its seal? Most such institutions are touchy on this point, since it’s copyrighted material.
March 1st, 2008 at 5:20 pm
“Biolence”?
Way to edit. “We’re in ur Har-vurhd, proophreedin’ ur essayz”
March 1st, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Apparently Harvard didn’t teach him the difference between “more than” and “over”
March 2nd, 2008 at 11:50 am
That the average student at MIT or Cal Tech is much, much smarter than the average student at any Ivy. Admissions are also tougher, so so much for “the most competitive college on the face of the planet.”
Also, typos abound in this post, I don’t know if they’re in the original as well. I hope they are.
March 2nd, 2008 at 4:00 pm
Sure, I’m not aware of anyone who would disagree with you. The major difference is that MIT and Cal Tech don’t really have the same alumi/alumnae connections, the same glamor, or the same country club-esque experience.
March 2nd, 2008 at 4:36 pm
All that is pretty debatable, but here’s something that is not:
Social skills.
The Ivies have their fair share of nerds, to be sure, but they sure as hell don’t have Suicide Prevention Days and the associated rabble. Who cares if you’re better at science- and trust me, that’s about it in this case- if you can’t make it through a sentence explaining such science without stuttering. That will not get you a job, and it won’t save the world.
March 2nd, 2008 at 7:12 pm
I think that that’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve heard all day. Is that really the best you have to fall back on? “You guys are just a bunch of nerds”? Really? I know plenty of sociable people at MIT, and plenty of nerdy people at Ivy League schools. Here’s something that is *actually* not debatable. You’d better be really damn smart, or really damn sociable if you want to rely on either one or the other.
Hey! Why not go to an Ivy League engineering school? I’ve got both, bitch!
March 2nd, 2008 at 7:45 pm
I’m not going to disagree with you, but I also think that MIT/Cal Tech isn’t going to attract the best and brightest in the humanities fields. Though, that may get into a debate of “are humanities students even smart?” But, that’s a debate left for another day.
March 2nd, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Because engineering schools are for the weak.
Pure math, baby. Pure math.
March 2nd, 2008 at 9:18 pm
As a Princeton student who had to decide between MIT and Princeton, I think you ARE right that the average student at MIT is smarter than the average student at Princeton. But that is because our lower ranks are populated by some VERY dumb people who got in for retarded reasons. BUT, I would say, look at the top 10% of people at Princeton and top 10% of people at MIT (maybe adjusting for departments, so top 10% engineers), and I think they will be pretty similar in quality.
March 2nd, 2008 at 9:54 pm
“but I also think that MIT/Cal Tech isn’t going to attract the best and brightest in the humanities fields” is an ignorant statement. MIT regularly attracts very intelligent ppl interested in economics and philosophy. Heck, MIT’s only humanities major is like a whacko Philosophy concentration that pumps out pretty smart folks. MIT kids also do VERY well at Parliamentary Debate competitions. I’ve been to many, and I’ve seen MIT come up top over Yale and Princeton a number of times.
March 2nd, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Wow, that’s a mouthful.
Anyway, the guy did say he didn’t rule out Ivy nerds. As Tucker Max would say, “can’t you take a fucking joke?” The fact you’re so defensive shows you’re more than a little insecure about it. Also, if you’re going to use * as ” you may as well go doodle some anime and paint your high-tops while you’re at it. Nerd.
March 2nd, 2008 at 10:40 pm
I didn’t mean to instigate a fight, I just wanted to point out that despite what many Ivy-Leaguers think, there are other schools that have very, very smart students.
I myself am not particularly smart, and I have the GPA to prove it!
March 3rd, 2008 at 2:27 am
suicide prevention days are pretty much the best thing ever. four-day weekends sounds like a good deal to me. And you’ve got some balls making such generalizations about MIT students.
March 3rd, 2008 at 2:28 am
suicide prevention days are pretty much the best thing ever. four-day weekends sounds like a good deal to me. And you’ve got some balls making such generalizations about MIT students. If you want to know what MIT kids are like, come to campus. Best frat parties around.
March 3rd, 2008 at 12:40 pm
Just like it’s not accurate to generalize that MIT students don’t have social skills (I happen to know several that are fun and far from boringly nerdy), it’s also inaccurate to generalize that the average Ivy League student is “much, much” dumber than the average MIT student. Really? “Much, much?” That reeks of bitterness to me. Not saying there aren’t really intelligent students at other schools; you can find brilliance at even lesser-known colleges… I just wouldn’t agree that it is significantly harder to get into MIT than it is to get into, say, H/Y/P. There’s a reason spots at those schools are so coveted, and there’s a reason an Ivy League diploma means something.
March 3rd, 2008 at 8:23 pm
This time I Maintain that “another @ I Maintain” didn’t read my post correctly.
I wrote “there are other schools that have very, very smart students.” You read “there are other schools that have much, much smarter students.” There is a difference, and a large one at that. If you can’t see it, then you probably don’t belong at any Ivy, MIT, Cal Tech, or most any other school.
March 3rd, 2008 at 10:13 pm
Maybe I’m missing something, but I’m pretty sure the original “I maintain” post said, “That the average student at MIT or Cal Tech is much, much smarter than the average student at any Ivy.” I mean, it’s written right at the top of the page. It happens, especially when you’re knee deep in problem sets!
March 4th, 2008 at 6:17 am
Eh. It all depends on what you want to do. I had a very competitive profile for the Ivies back in high school, but I knew I wanted to work in foreign policymaking. Went to Georgetown, and in 4 years I finished both the undergrad and a Master’s in Security Studies, proficiency in two non-European languages, with tons of DC-based connections and work experience to boot, incredible professors (who tended to be practitioners, rather than academics) and high-ranking government officials willing to recommend me for post-grad government fellowships. Looking back, I might have missed something by passing on the Ivies and/or MIT/CalTech, but I doubt it. But, again, that all depends on what your priorities are. If I’d wanted a liberal arts education, or the hard sciences, the aforementioned schools would definitely be more attractive. The moral of the story? One size definitely does *not* fit all. As for the relative intelligence of the student body, every campus I’ve been to, Ivies included, has had their share of what I’ll take the classy route and term ‘mouth-breathers’. No matter where you go, the key is surrounding yourself with the fun and intellectually stimulating people who make up the school’s upper echelon.
March 7th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Joke’s on you, you guys bought a copy!
March 7th, 2008 at 8:16 pm
Just to clarify, the quote from Brian Kang was unduly attributed and he does not condone “Get Into Harvard.”
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:08 am
as a former harvard man …i had a tough time deciding between harvard and columbia however i do not think the above mentioned comments by the person ..on how to get in harvard..LET ME MAKE IT STRAIGHT THERE IS NO MAGIC WAND OR BOOK THAT WILL GET YOU IN hard work hard work thats itt
October 27th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
I agree with awais, only a few “get into blank college” books are actually worth their price. Just work hard and you’ll have a good chance of getting in. If you don’t its NOT the end of the world!