“Murky Depths of My Vag”: Jenna B. is the new Lena Chen, but anonymous and extra-icky

Murky Depths of My VagLooking to fill the void in your voyeuristic reading routine now that Sex and the Ivy is gone? The Cornell Sun would like you to meet “Jenna B.,” their anonymous biweekly sex columnist:

Twentyish dudes ago … my first sexual endeavor concluded with a condom floating around lost inside my body for two days.

Thinking back to the glorious moment when the rubbery, slimy souvenir surfaced from the murky depths of my vag a couple of mornings after the incident (putting a stop to the nightmares in which I gave birth to a baby who had this condom growing out of its face in place of a nose), I wish I’d had the presence of mind to throw the thing in a jar and save it. … On second thought, I’m glad I didn’t save it; it was kind of stinky.

Is that even possible? Superhuman physical feats aside, Jenna B. has hopped on the latest of Ivy daily trends: Uncomfortably vivid and rhapsodically grotesque descriptions of vaginas. You could make a whole college tour out of various campuses’ vagina metaphors of choice! Yale likes its pie served with papayas, while Dartmouth dines on sugarbush, and Cornell… well…

When you have sex, air gets pushed up into the honey pot and little pockets of it sometimes get trapped up there. As we learned from the lost condom, what goes up must come out. In the case of a queef, the air makes an exquisite Whoopie Cushion sort of noise when it exits the juicer. The air is completely fragrance-free, so you and your partner can have a nice little laugh about it.

Now, why would a writer want anonymity for that?

  • psh

    Please, Maureen, don’t be such a prude.

  • psh

    Please, Maureen, don’t be such a prude.

  • y10

    This girl is awesome

  • y10

    This girl is awesome

  • Jack B

    So I fucked twenty girls, and didn’t even think to wash my penis for days. It wasn’t until I tried to pee, and realized that my urethra was blocked by a plug of dried-up vaginal crust, that I thought to clean myself. I’m awesome. Give me a column.

  • Jack B

    So I fucked twenty girls, and didn’t even think to wash my penis for days. It wasn’t until I tried to pee, and realized that my urethra was blocked by a plug of dried-up vaginal crust, that I thought to clean myself. I’m awesome. Give me a column.

  • boo

    get rid of the link to the Nass! the website hasn’t been updated in months and it’s clearly only here because Hal and Jacob are shitfuckers.

  • boo

    get rid of the link to the Nass! the website hasn’t been updated in months and it’s clearly only here because Hal and Jacob are shitfuckers.

  • cornell08

    yo i actually met this chick a few times. she’s pretty cool in real life and actually talks like that in normal conversations. shes nice, doesn’t act like a jap like the rest of the sluts at cornell. and also she has really white teeth.

  • cornell08

    yo i actually met this chick a few times. she’s pretty cool in real life and actually talks like that in normal conversations. shes nice, doesn’t act like a jap like the rest of the sluts at cornell. and also she has really white teeth.

  • Julie B

    Actually, she’s a) a great writer b) hysterical and c) really informative in not a boring way. So what’s not to like? Yeah, the topic’s a little squeamish, but fratire mocks it all the time; why are we so against girls with strong senses of humor?

  • Julie B

    Actually, she’s a) a great writer b) hysterical and c) really informative in not a boring way. So what’s not to like? Yeah, the topic’s a little squeamish, but fratire mocks it all the time; why are we so against girls with strong senses of humor?

  • cornell’10

    Hysterical does not mean funny and cannot be substituted for hilarious.

  • cornell’10

    Hysterical does not mean funny and cannot be substituted for hilarious.

  • cornell’10

    shes in kappa delta. ugly

  • cornell’10

    shes in kappa delta. ugly

  • Jenna Fan

    she’s very funny and self-aware which is way more than what can be said for most college writers.

  • Jenna Fan

    she’s very funny and self-aware which is way more than what can be said for most college writers.

  • cornell’09

    Oh man, when I read this in the Sun I was wondering if IvyGate realized that it’s WAY better than that lame article about slang. Good for Jenna, guy talk about their man parts all the time, and just cuz you can’t see it doesn’t mean you should be afraid of it. Gosh.

  • cornell’09

    Oh man, when I read this in the Sun I was wondering if IvyGate realized that it’s WAY better than that lame article about slang. Good for Jenna, guy talk about their man parts all the time, and just cuz you can’t see it doesn’t mean you should be afraid of it. Gosh.

  • d09

    why would ivygate need to compare another sex columnist to lena chen? SO creative and insightful. jenna b AND aurora wells deserve much better reviews than this.

  • d09

    why would ivygate need to compare another sex columnist to lena chen? SO creative and insightful. jenna b AND aurora wells deserve much better reviews than this.

  • vox

    She had me at “wrinklebeast”.

  • vox

    She had me at “wrinklebeast”.

  • Ivy League Sex Columnist

    “I’m a big slut with an over-inflated ego and sense of how hot I am because Ivy guys are desperate. Now I’m going to talk about my vagina and all the penises that have gone into it in the most disgusting way possible. I’m proud I’ve slept with more guys, and often girls, than others, and that makes me a strong woman!”

    I think that about covers it.

  • Ivy League Sex Columnist

    “I’m a big slut with an over-inflated ego and sense of how hot I am because Ivy guys are desperate. Now I’m going to talk about my vagina and all the penises that have gone into it in the most disgusting way possible. I’m proud I’ve slept with more guys, and often girls, than others, and that makes me a strong woman!”

    I think that about covers it.

  • yale11

    there really is no wonder that girl hasn’t been asked out because those snippets are among the most wretched things i have ever read.

  • yale11

    there really is no wonder that girl hasn’t been asked out because those snippets are among the most wretched things i have ever read.

  • Cornell ’07

    Jenna Bromberg: she has a blog, and her dad owns and/or runs Sobe.

    Regardless of writing skills (perceived or real), she’s in KD. End of story. Y’all should do a story about Cornell’s Greek scene if you haven’t already. Then you’d understand the social death sentence that is KD.

  • Cornell ’07

    Jenna Bromberg: she has a blog, and her dad owns and/or runs Sobe.

    Regardless of writing skills (perceived or real), she’s in KD. End of story. Y’all should do a story about Cornell’s Greek scene if you haven’t already. Then you’d understand the social death sentence that is KD.