Dartmouth Terrorized by Phantom Pisser
At Brown eggs aren't the only thing you might find sizzling in a dorm kitchen. And at Yale sometimes the showers aren't so clean. At Dartmouth, however, they just piss in the laundry-room.
So we learn from an email sent out to, "residents of Ripley Woodward Smith," containing news of a "serious health risk." Apparently someone has urinated in a wastebacket in the laundry room. "More than once."
Proietti writes, "it is difficult to believe the person doing this is one of those living in this community." Is it? Maybe it's that quiet kid? Some kind of fraternity deal? Or could it just be drunken coincidence?
After the jump -- the email that started it all!
>Date: 05 Dec 2007 15:27:47 -0500
>From: Josiah S. Proietti
>Subject: Public Urination Notice
>To: (Recipient list suppressed)Dear residents of Ripley Woodward Smith,
I hope this community health notice finds you all well during this busy time. It has been brought to our attention that there is a serious health risk in our building and it is important that it be addressed and corrected as soon as possible.
Urine has been found in one of the laundry room trash cans on a consistent basis over the past two weeks. Bodily fluids in any area other than a toilet becomes a health risk to everyone who encounters them.
Although it is difficult to believe the person doing this is one of those living in this community, if you know any helpful information that could contribute to the end of this behavior please share it with your UGA or CD.
Thanks for your help, good luck with finals!
Josiah Proietti
Community Director
Ripley/Woodward/Smith
Fayerweathers/Topliff
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December 5th, 2007 at 9:28 pm
What’s next, they gonna shit in the halls?
December 5th, 2007 at 9:36 pm
Come on, christiananarchisti… Come on…
December 5th, 2007 at 10:33 pm
christianarchisti’s got nothing on me.
IME the first Lord in the younited States of A mericary Now of Newburyport it is the voise of the peopel and I cant Help it and so Let it goue Now as I must be Lord there will foller many more Lords pretty soune for it dont hurt A Cat Nor the mouse Nor the son Nor the water Nor the Eare then goue on all is Easey Now bons broaken all is well all in Love Now I be gin to Lay the corner ston and the kee ston with grat Remembrence of my father Jorge Washington the grate herow 17 sentreys past before we found so good a father to his shildren and Now gone to Rest1 Now to shoue my Love to my father and grate Caricters I will shoue the world one of the grate Wonders of the world in 15 months if now man mourders me in Dors or out Dors such A mouserum on Earth will annonce O Lord thou knowest to be troue fourder hear me good Lord I am A goueing to Let or shildren know Now to see good Lord what has bin in the world grat wase back to owr forefathers Not old plimeth but stop to Addom & Eave to shoue 45 figures2 two Leged and fore Leged because we Cant Doue weel with our four Leged in the first plase they are our foude in the Next plase to make out Dexters mouseum I want 4 Lions to defend thous grat and mistry men from East to wist from North to South which Now are at the plases Rased the Lam is not Readey in short meater if agreabel I form a good and peasabel government on my Land in Newburyport Compleat I taks 3 presedents hamsher govenor all to Noue york and the grate mister John Jay is one, that maks 2 in that state the king of grat britton mister pitt Roufes kins Cros over to france Loues the 16 and then the grate bonnepartey the grate and their segnetoure Crow biddey3 — I Command pease and the gratest brotherly love and not fade be Linked to gether with that best of troue love so as to govern all nasions on the fass of the gloub not to tiranize over them but to put them to order if any Despout shall A Rise as to boundreys or Any maturs of Importance it is Left france and grat britton and Amacarey to be setteled A Congress4 to be allways in france all Despouts is to be thare settled and this may be Dun this will balless power and then all wars Dun A way there-fore I have the Lam to Lay Dow with the Lion Now this may be dun if thos three powers would A geray to Lay what is called Devel one side and Not Carry the gentelman pack hors Any longer but shake him of as dust on your feet and Laff at him5 there is grate noise Aboute a toue Leged Creter he says I am going to set sade black Divel there stop he would scare the womans so there would be No youse for the bilding. I should have to erect sum Noue won Now I stop hear I puts the Devil Long with the bull for he is a bulling 2 Leged Annemal stop put him one side Near Soloman Looking with Soloman to Ladey venus Now stop wind up there is grat ods in froute I will Let you know the sekret houe you may see the Devel stand on your head before a Loucking glass and take a bibel to your bousum fast 40 owers and look in the loucking glass, there is no Devel if you dont see the ould fellow but I affirm you will see that old Devel
December 6th, 2007 at 1:58 am
what?
December 6th, 2007 at 2:08 am
Personally, I thought this was funnier, just because the kid who wrote it sounds like the biggest tool bag alive:
http://thedartmouth.com/2007/12/04/opinion/bruschi/
December 6th, 2007 at 2:09 am
i think lord timothy wants us to blitz that to josiah proietti.
December 6th, 2007 at 2:16 am
agreed. Also: “surveillance equipment”!?!!?
Timmy, baby, christianarchisti has EVERYTHING on you. Your writing simultaneously made less sense and more sense than his, and in all the wrong ways. Leave inane ranting to the big boys, please.
December 6th, 2007 at 2:25 am
in a “wastebacket”?!! OH NO!
December 6th, 2007 at 2:29 am
You’re probably the only student who disagrees with Bruschi’s argument. Charging the clusters is a mind-numbingly stupid idea. Also, I’m in Josiah’s cluster and heard a drunk pissing in a hall shower last night. I nearly shot him in the face.
December 6th, 2007 at 8:55 am
I send this along t Josiah so we shall see what he has to say haha
December 6th, 2007 at 9:46 am
Four or five years ago, when my brother was a senior at yale, they found shit in the dryer in one of the freshman dorms.
December 6th, 2007 at 10:20 am
Bruschi’s article shows no logical thought. I will bet money that people who throw up in dorms are more often than not residents of that dorm. Since housing has no reasonable means to find out who pissed, pooed, and vomited where ever, they fine everyone because that is truly the only fair way to do it. Surveillance equipment in dorms? Not only much costlier than he thinks it is, also totally out of the question due to privacy rights. $340 getting a HazMat team? Obviously someone has no sense of money thanks to daddy.
Most importantly: if you don’t party hard enough to throw up somewhere it doesn’t belong every once in a while, or even if you just really hate everyone that does, why the fuck did you go to Dartmouth?
December 6th, 2007 at 10:47 am
you DO have a solid estimate of what a HazMat team costs… because you didn’t have a father?!?!
December 6th, 2007 at 11:07 am
BRUSCHI’S ARTICLE WAS RIGHT ON THE MONEY.
December 6th, 2007 at 11:19 am
You are beyond retarded. How can you possibly argue that we should just accept the fact that people piss and shit and puke everywhere? If you’re such a drunken buttfucking scumbag who can’t go three steps without shitting your pants or booting on the carpet then you should go to Cornell and jump off a building. Plus, he was arguing that money for clean-up should be drawn from a communal fund rather than a random billing, which makes a shit load of sense.
Most importantly: learn to make coherent points before you make yourself sound even stupider (if that is possible).
December 6th, 2007 at 11:34 am
i am a fucking tool and a half
December 6th, 2007 at 11:59 am
why are you so damn obsessed with him? don’t you have finals to worry about?
December 6th, 2007 at 12:10 pm
why are you so damn obsessed with him? don’t you have finals to worry about?
December 6th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
I don’t think anybody at Cornell has ever jumped off of a building.
But if any of you sheltered, pretty-boy, WASPy drunkards from Dartmouth want to visit Ithaca to see how a bunch of state schoolers are able to party without defecating all over the place, be our guest.
December 6th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
hells yes!
i liked the bruschi article. it was good… but not gottlieb good.
December 6th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
@ivyrumours:
not only did someone shit in the dryer, but they also activated it using their ID card… needless to say, they ended up in front of the ExComm. I think Rumpus ran an article on that last year.
December 6th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
This story reminds me of the recent “Urinal Deuce” episode of South Park. :)
December 6th, 2007 at 6:20 pm
Dartmouth people whining about paying a few dollars because their classmates, their colleagues, made a bad decision as to how much to drink. So by that logic, hell, we should abolish welfare and social security! Fuck those poor and old people! I didn’t not plan for retirement or get addicted to drugs, why do I have to pay for them?!
You call other people “beyond retarded” when you call it a “random billing”, let alone pull out lines like “you should go to Cornell and jump off a building” for someone who throws up on a carpet. Sounds like you have some issues. I’d guess it’s because everyone else at Dartmouth is having an amazing time partying while you don’t, so you’re bitter.
December 6th, 2007 at 6:55 pm
“So by that logic, hell, we should abolish welfare and social security!”
–Agreed. It’s called personal accountability. Now get a job and stop burdening me with your externalities.
December 7th, 2007 at 1:54 am
@ridic
“Sounds like you have some issues.”
Sounds like someone’s insecure.
December 7th, 2007 at 4:54 pm
Someone is way more likely to boot in their own residence than elsewhere. Just based on chance, it makes more sense to have somewhat-localized punishment – floor billing. Ideally, the individual would be punished, but that can’t happen. How would further delocalization of punishment (campus-wide billing) ensure greater accountability and transparency?
People would never see where the money goes, wouldn’t care, and wouldn’t feel as responsible. Meanwhile, housing rates go up and up.
hmm…
kind of a politically conservative counter-argument.
December 7th, 2007 at 4:57 pm
Someone is way more likely to boot in their own residence than elsewhere. Just based on chance, it makes more sense to have somewhat-localized punishment – floor billing. Ideally, the individual would be punished, but that can’t happen. How would further delocalization of punishment (campus-wide billing) ensure greater accountability and transparency?
People would never see where the money goes, wouldn’t care, and wouldn’t feel as responsible. Meanwhile, housing rates go up and up.
hmm…
kind of a politically conservative counter-argument.
Bruschi = false socialist utopia
Perfect individual responsibility and punishment= false libertarian utopia
current setup = eh…. who gives a shit about $3.40?
December 8th, 2007 at 1:18 pm
he addressed all those arguments in the op-ed. and bruschi is a libertarian.
December 9th, 2007 at 11:39 am
…you mean this kind of thing is frowned upon? Well excuuuuse me!
December 20th, 2007 at 12:37 am
I used to piss in SAE’s stove in the basement…