• 
• Brown: "I wasn't expecting standing room only," says organizer of poorly-timed, ill-advertised and completely empty Department of Public Safety open forum
• Columbia: Performance in "Legends of the Hidden Temple" posited for admissions criteria; "Global Guts" for international students
• Cornell: Unfortunately for Sun's snack columnist and self-professed creator of "Crack Snacks tm", writing "tm" does not give you legal ownership of dried fruits and nuts.
• Cornell: "I pretended to be appalled by this hilarious attempt at online-prostitution. And to some extent, I was appalled. But I was even more impressed."
• Dartmouth: "It was after Replogle began raising a family, though, that he moved from alcoholic beverages to skin care"
• Harvard: Opinions regarding Nobel Prize-winning homophobic racist somewhat contentious
• Princeton: Students with chocolate happier than students without chocolate, necessary study concludes.
• Yale: Despite aggressive pamphlet distribution at Heath Care Access Week, medicinally-inclined Yalies yet to be granted "health studies" major. Health Care Access: Denied!

--Compiled by Juli Weiner

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Apparently Penn had some kind of big football game against Yale last weekend, (something about coming home?) but my understanding of sports is so rudimentary that I am unable to decipher how it went. But I do know that the University of Pennsylvania Marching Band totally schooled the Harvard University Marching Band when it comes to Guinness World Record baton-measuring contests. Video, pictures, and baton creation story after the jump.
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You know you've truly arrived in this world when people start accusing you of being The Man. And according to the Harvard Independent's blog, Maureen, Hal and I -- three of the most disorganized fuck-ups to have matriculated at Princeton in some time -- are just that!  As it turns out, we're actually right-wing, semi-closeted/semi-bigoted Yalies with a malicious anti-Harvard agenda. We even got a punny public-enemy-moniker a la Man Coulter or Lindsay Blowhan. Well, sort of:

I've never been a big fan of IvyGate (from hereon referred to as "IvyHate"), ... they strike me as a gang of self-serving (what the Crimson would call "masturbatory") Yalies out to drown their own social inhibitions in bitter stabs at their rival college.

IvyHate [is] promoting the subsequent downfall of our institution's [Harvard's] reputation... Nice try, IvyGate. We know what you're up to.

Sir: Whatever our myriad crimes against Harvard may be, we are certainly not worth 750 words of your time. That's like twelve porn downloads worth!

The entire hilarious blog post -- including the words "heteronormative" and "Rivers Cuomo" -- after the jump.

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Hal, Jacob and Maureen are making me post something to keep my cushy "Contributing Editor" title, so (a) fuck them and (b) let's have a tournament requiring MANY posts!

[RANT ALERT: Skip the next paragraph to get to tournament details, if you so please].

We have voiced our (my) dislike for a cappella groups on this site before, but allow us to explain further. If you go to an Ivy League university, you're more than aware of these mostly talentless schmucks, because you probably have lived with at last one -- I know I did. Each school has like 75 billion of them, and they all have wretchedly unpunny names like "The Penny Loafers" (Penn) or, of course, "The Bear Necessities" (Brown). About once a semester, your friends in a cappella groups force you to see their pathetic little concerts during time that you could spend better by doing, I don't know, anything else. Some bizarre video -- usually made on iMovie by a chimpanzee -- always introduces each troupe. Then comes the opening song, which almost always is by Journey, Bon Jovi or Queen (for lady groups, Sarah McLachlan or Alanis Morisette). The "best" groups have two people that can sing, the other members just go "BUM BUM BUM BUM" in the background. 'Cause, you know, "BUM BUM BUM BUM" is definitely an improvement on an original song's use of instruments. Then they have an after party where they continue to sing, to sing, to sing...

Only mockery in tournament form can properly destroy them. So by this Friday, submit nominations (YouTube videos) to ivygate@gmail.com. We will wade through the submitted videos over the weekend and select (probably) the eight worst, so there will (probably) be one for each school. Then all of next week we will hold head-to-head matches to determine the winner based on your votes. SUBMIT NOMINATIONS NOW YOU LOVELY PEOPLE!

Let's make them stop singing -- together. 

In quiet and bucolic Williamstown, Massachusetts, an epidemic is raging. According to the Williams Record, a truly unprecedented number of Williams students have been dispensing their body glow all around campus:

Since Thursday, custodians found five incidents of vomit outside of toilets, as well as a broken urinal and a damaged bathroom mirror, in the Paresky Center. The weekend before, custodians found excrement smeared across the interior of a stall in the second men's bathroom in the Log. This incident brings the number of excrement-related bio-cleanups to six for the semester"

The situation has reached such hilarious lows that the main editorial in today's Record is entitled, "Put feces in the toilet, not our community."

Though Williams falls outside of IvyGate's traditional purview, we just couldn't ignore this. Looks like Williamstown is starting to give New Haven a run for Biggest College Toilet-Town in New England.

• Brown: Religion and Brown? That's interesting, I always thought those two were mutually exclusive.
• Columbia: "Eat one piece of cake, if you eat a whole thing, of course you are going to feel like shit."
• Dartmouth: Dumbledore is gay; professor thrilled his queer ideas have merit.
• Harvard: Dear lord, it's only a t-shirt. On that train of thought Harvardians ought to wear "Yale Rules" shirts to "The Game" so as not to offend Elis.
• Penn: Gutmann blatantly ignores Newell in her op/ed... on the plus side, at least it reads better than her speeches!
• Princeton: "When people meet me... it's easier for them to remember my name," says Princeton Kwong, '11

After posting Harvard '09 Peter Shields' -- excuse me, Petros' -- boy band jam "Body Glow," we received tips on Yale Television's latest self-promotional clip, a jazzy little ditty entitled "Watch YTV" where we learn that Asian males continue to be the easiest punchline in entertainment, and someone named Andy Wexler has a micropenis. Also, fat kids like eating brownies and have surprisingly angelic falsetto voices.

UPDATE: It has come to our attention that the above video might not be an actual YTV production, in which case the above singing tele-ddicts are straight-up nutjobs, and YTV should probably hire them, stat. Our attempt to visit YTV's website revealed a massive relaunch project. Maybe this is all a guerrilla marketing scheme to create buzz while we anxiously await the YTV relaunch -- and IvyGate has fallen right into YTV's greedy, ratings-grubbing, anonymous-YouTube-launching hands!! I feel so used. But at least I have a catchy tune to hum.

Having recently left his cushy post with us for the greener swamplands of DC, Jim Newell is already rolling in the perks. Today he wrote an op/ed for the Daily Pennsylvanian on that whole Stetson affair thing.

Seizing on the telling detail ("Lasers! Amy Gutmann in strapless red!") and making use of everyday analogies ("It's like a babysitter refusing to feed an infant its Gerber, and then at the end of the day asking that infant for $3.5 billion."), Newell makes a compelling case that Lee Stetson should not be forced to give money to Penn even though he had sex with a 19-year old, or something like that.

After the jump -- words, sweet words.

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We bring you the “Body Glow” video from international music sensation “Petros,” a.k.a. Peter Shields, Harvard ’09.  Well, he’s not really an international sensation, though we’ve gotten several emails telling us this video is all the rage in Cambridge these days.

The song is quite un-good and the video has this fake-Catholic guilt thing going on (come on, Petros, America is so over that) as Petros and his cohort rub glittery sweat all over each other and the girl has some kind of bloodied seizure and then goes to a church and then – hey! – there’s Petros like half taking off his shirt at the beach and all this interspliced with gratuitous Catholic imagery and medium-okay looking Harvard girls trying as hard as they can to dance and – wait! – at minute 1:30 the girl touches the back of her head only to find Petros’ jizzum!

With the production values of a third-string mid-90’s R&B music video as choreographed by a third-string college dance company, the whole thing is pretty strange. The problem with shooting a music video at Harvard is that you have to use Harvard girls, who even at their prettiest aren’t exactly booty-shaking material.

“Petros” is obviously self-obsessed (his Facebook profile includes many, many links to his successes; according to himself, his main job right now is “marketing this hot chick named Brandi Carlile” but he seems more into marketing and linking to himself than to Ms. Carlile) but I still sort of wish him luck. You’ve got to hand it to “Petros”: “Body Glow” took effort, ambition, and a total lack of shame.  And it’s only bad in the way that most cultural output is bad. It’s not specifically Harvard bad. Carry on, Peter. Carry on.

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• Brown: Weird. The new GOP governor of Lousiana went to Brown. At least he believes in intelligent design!
• Columbia: Islamofascism was so last week, Horowitz.
• Cornell: What an idiot I am! I thought they were talking about Native Americans!
• Dartmouth: The D speaks truth to power - "Dartmouth needs more sororities... the alcohol component is crucial."
• Harvard: "Scabies has lent Harvard students a small bit of sexual legitimacy."
• Princeton: The editorial board definitely pulled this one out of someone's ass.
• Yale: Sad times for oral contraception.

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