Yesterday, Harvard’s Lena “I lowered my mouth over his cock and slid my lips over his shaft easily” Chen (our Favorite Person Ever) debated the merits of pre-marital sex with Janie Fredell, the co-president of True Love Revolution (which, believe it or not, is not a 60′s band you’ve never heard of, but a campus abstinence group). We sent correspondent Alterrell Mills to get the scoop.
The highly-anticipated “debate” between Lena “I lowered my mouth over his cock and slid my lips over his shaft easily” Chen and the co-President of the True Love Revolution, Janie Fredell, was truly not worth the wait. Before the event, I met with an overeager Janie who emphasized that it was “a discussion, not a debate about sex and dating.” And here I was, thinking we had a regular Lincoln and Douglass on our hands! Discussion, indeed.
Janie arrived early, while Lena came right on time. Both ladies held true to form in terms of appearance; Lena wore a mini-skirt that left little to the imagination, while Janie was more modestly dressed in jeans.
The ladies started off by defining their sexuality. Janie stated that she was abstinent, and that the kind of guy she was interested in was “chivalrous, strong yet gentle” and ultimately worth the wait. Janie wants a man who respects her ambitions, and values more than just sex in their relationship. She also added that she could get sexual gratification from “a battery-operated plastic object.” Lena replied, “I derive great joy from battery-operated objects.”
After the jump: let’s talk about sex, baby.
On their definition of sex:
LC: “Anything involving penetration, manual penetration”
JF: “[Laughs] Ditto!”
LC: “Stress Relief”
JF: “I go for a run”
Janie mentioned how sex causes a release of oxytocin that clouds judgment. This is like a conservative pseudo-science similar to creationism. Well cloud my judgment if you can find me a fix of endorphins/ hormones that are equally as good.
“Why should we care about love, it’s just love?”
“True love is unconditional appreciation for their existence, more spiritual than physical.”
This sentiment seemed to occur throughout the evening as many questions pertained to sexual-and emotional-gratification. Janie spoke of only being able to receive emotional gratification from a human, but that sexual gratification could be achieved elsewhere (like, from one of Rick Santorum’s dogs?). Lena’s view was of course that she should be able to do “whatever the hell she wanted” if it felt good.
When asked by audience members, Janie said that she’ll know she has found the right person when “the stars have aligned,” having an emotional and intellectual connection. When asked if true love was destined, she at first said you have to find the right person and then countered that “not everyone will find their true love.” Lena conceded that true love was worth waiting for, but stated that there could be more than one true love. If we are not destined to find a true love, then why not just get in all the lovin’ now?
Then a couple elitist nerds came out of the woodwork. Audience members cited Immanuel Kant and his absolutes and proceeded to confound other audience members as well as the panelists. One audience member wanted to know why she had received a Valentine’s Day card and candy from TLR, encouraging her to wait for marriage but not offering support for her sexual decisions. The virginal remained, defending their TLR-ness, while the less true seemed to leave of out boredom. Maybe TLR just aren’t having sex because they can’t keep people interested? I could be wrong, as Janie mentioned that the TLR’s membership “could get plenty.” A weird boast.
The lackluster debate made me feel like I should not have waited but actually done something more casual and fun.
JF: “I’ve never been widowed.” In response to, “What if your one and only true love were to die?”
Woman in audience: “Do you worry that you are bringing all of your past into your marital bed.” She further insinuated that her bed would consist of a more than a group, but a crowd.
JF: “I want a virgin!” Said by many guys, but this was in response to her future husband. How about 72 virgins?
JF: “What do you think, I haven’t had sex?” Well I guess it wouldn’t be appropriate to say don’t knock it (boots, beds, sheets) until you try it-Oh, wait, that’s counter to TLR.
LC: “Signing my life away.” Lena’s view of marriage.
JF: “Two becomes one.” Janie likes the Spice Girls as well as commitment.
LC: “If you pay, I’ll consider it a date. My guys always pay.” This sounds creepy, almost mafia-like. Lena was in fact using working girl jargon, where date/party equal paid sexual encounters (but with Lena, you never really know). This was in response to a male in the audience asking about what constitutes a date.
JF: “My mother found out by seeing me on TV.” Sounds like something Lena would have said, but alas it is how Mrs. Fridell found out about her daughter’s lack of sexual activity.
And then these words of wisdom. LC: “If we can cure cancer, we can find the G-spot.”
Overheard: “Well, that wasn’t as good as I thought it would be.”
– Alterrell Mills