Lee Stetson, Penn’s Dean of Admissions and a 29-year veteran at the University, announced in July his plans to resign at the end of the current school year. He was going out on a high note as Penn had just admitted its most selective class ever.

This is where things come undone.

On August 29, Stetson abruptly made his resignation effective immediately. The Office of Admissions, behind University spokeswoman Lori Doyle, offered little explanation beyond Stetson’s personal statement in which he said “that it is in the University’s, and my own best interest, to step down immediately, before the commencement of the fall semester.” Stetson was unavailable for further comment at the time, Admissions said, because he was traveling. According to the Daily Pennsylvanian, “As recently as Tuesday morning [Stetson] had given no indication in a DP interview that he would resign sooner than he had previously announced.”

Ruh roh.

It’s been weeks since Stetson’s departure and neither the Daily Pennsylvanian nor the Philadelphia Inquirer have released the details of his rush for the exit. The Office of Admissions won’t say a thing.

But that’s OK, because as with most good stories, there are even better rumors. After the jump, we’ll break down the Office of Admissions’ silence-pact-on-crack, the Daily Pennsylvanian‘s status with the case and IvyGate’s own findings. At least two of these involve sex.

Penn Admissions: If A Deviant Dean Lived Nextdoor to Us, We’d Just Move Away 

IvyGate’s inquiry into Stetson with the Penn Office of Admissions (OA–not sure if this acronym is official, but let’s run with it) yielded only this terse reply from icy gatekeeper Lori Doyle:

The reasons for Lee Stetson’s departure are private and confidential. We are aware that there are many rumors circulating about his resignation but we will not confirm or deny any of them.

The Daily Pennsylvanian has also extracted little from Doyle’s steely resolve. According to a DP staffer familiar with the proceedings, “the admissions department is ignoring everyone.” The news editors have gone so far as to send reporters to admissions officials’ homes in the area, offering anonymity, and maybe something special for the ol’ misses, to any willing to talk. We’re not sure what disappointed these storyhounds more: the “air of comraderie” that prevented officials from saying anything or not being asked in for milk and cookies by the hearth.

The DP has learned, according to the staffer, that the OA cleaned out Stetson’s office for him in a rush. Stetson apparently left a voicemail with the OA announcing his change of plans. That’s right, he dumped Admissions over the phone. Some kind of man he is!

The Inquirer, always uncovering new depths of business despair, knows even less. They’ve been calling the DP frequently asking for leads. Professional journalists. Have been doing that. And who says mainstream journalism is past its prime?

Meanwhile, the atmosphere inside the OA remains just as stuffy. According to one involved member of the Kite and Key Society, the University’s tourgiving group on campus, “no one says [Stetson's] name” in the office. The source visits the office several times a week and says “there’s been zero mention of Stetson… A little bizarre, yes.”

The Rumors: Dedicated to the Ladies in the House

The most popular rumor on Penn’s campus (and our comment boards) is that Stetson engaged in some hanky panky with a young, but not too young, girl. Although this girl is estimated to be in her late teens or early twenties, it’s unclear whether she attends Penn. Tipsters and rumormongerers have been crowding around this explanation, with each offering a different sexified denouement. One source claims that Stetson bumped up his resignation after the girl’s parents threatened to contact the Inquirer (ouch… you guys almost had it!) Another heard that the parents were preparing a lawsuit against Stetson for something. Must have been some kinky sex.

The next rumor follows a more traditional political corruption narrative, and an especially traditional one for admissions officers: that he let in shitty applicants for personal reasons. Family friends and the like. Well, it’s not sex, but it could be more devastating if true. No one ultimately cares if the guy just got his junk knocked around, but when he abuses his position the University has more to answer for. Although maybe he got his junk knocked around so that he would abuse power. Niccce.

The last rumor says that he ran off for poor health reasons. Hopefully that’s not the case; we all want the ol’ bugaroo to be healthy. And once he’s healthy, we want to destroy his legacy with scandals.

Conclusion: Admissions Officers Are The Worst People Ever, Stetson Might Still Be Aight

So. If Stetson’s sudden departure didn’t stem from misconduct–if he got death cancer while fighting puppy-slaughtering Hitler clones, say–then why all the silence from the Office of Admissions? It’s not just regular silence either, it’s an historic silence. How silent is it? It’s so silent that… that… it’s so silent that the DP wrote an editorial about how silent it is! That’s how silent.

We’d like to reiterate that these are just rumors… sexual rumors. To our readers, continue sending in as much as you know to ivygate@gmail.com. To the Penn Office of Admissions, just get over yourselves. Tell us the truth before one of these rumors presents a more marketable alternative.