We've already brought you some of the Class of 2011's incredible exploits. Yet there's something infinitely worse than pre-frosh acting dumb: upperclassmen who deign to give freshmen advice in campus newspapers. Year after year, we are subjected to the selfsame verbal diarrhea as semi-nostalgic upperclass columnists blow smoke up their own asses.

These advices employ a time-old formula of mixing general banalities with college-specific banalities, i.e., "you have such wonderful opportunities at [school] and should totally take advantage of [local record shop or bar in town]."

After the jump, a round-up of the inane "wisdom" to which the Class of 2011 is being so cruelly subjected.

In an editorial entitled "Take it Slow, Kids," the Columbia Spectator admits that "There's something a little askew about the idea of our delivering from on high a slurry of apothegms and expecting you to follow them full-blinkered during your careers here."

An incomprehensible disclaimer has never stopped anyone from delivering a high slurry of apothegms before. And so, in classically Romantic style, the Spectator tells the Class of 2011 to "take it slow... so that you can enjoy your time here to the utmost. It, like all things, will flower and then will come to its due, proper, and inevitable end."

The Daily Pennsyvanian asks the Class of 2011 to "Make the most of your time here. The years really do fly by if you're not careful." The lesson is obvious: if you are careful, college can last forever.

In an article entitled "The Greatest Love Story You'll Ever Read," Jenna Bromberg of the Cornell Daily Sun writes: "Forget everything you think you know… The first year of college develops much like an intense romantic relationship. It's unpredictable." See, 2011? College is totally like Love in the Time of Cholera.

Here's some advice, freshmen: never, ever, like not even if your dream job is to become a contestant on I'm From Rolling Stone, become a columnist for your university's daily newspaper.

We promise to bring you the breaking news as the other papers inevitably spew out their own perfect shit-storms of advice. Until then, we encourage you to "make the most" of your time on the internet because it will surely "fly by" and to "take advantage" of the "many opportunities" you will have in the next two hours to read Perez Hilton.   

--JACOB SAVAGE