The Beauty & the Geek premiere opens with a little hot girl-on-girl action, and geeks in a rocket ship of their own invention, hurtling through outerspace, pointy Spock ears glued to every orifice! Okay, you got me, I missed the beginning because I was busy breaking into the co-op down the hall to make popcorn. But given the Ashton Kutcher-invented show’s schtick – nine hot bimbos paired with nine brainy geeks for a crash lesson at how the other half lives and a shot at a $250,000 cash prize – I can’t be that far off.
Cut to host Mike Richards introducing the contestants to their first challenge: A get-to-know-you talent show, ostensibly to help the Bs and Gs picks partners for the show. The geeks are nervous because they will be forced to make eye contact with hot chicks. The hot chicks pretend to be nervous, but since they’re all aspiring actress/model/soft-core-porn-stars, they’re actually pretty jazzed.
After the jump: an obsessive recap of a television show merely because two of its stars happen to be Ivy Leaguers? Welcome to IvyGate.
Geeks assemble in one room, beauties in the other. They take turns entering the opposing group’s room to perform. Jasmine, an ambiguously ethnic D-cup who ends all her sentences with question marks, performs a cheer for the geeks. “I! Am! Jasmine! Pick! Me! For! Your! Team!” She sounds mentally challenged. The geeks are unimpressed. Tony, a Hiro Nakamura one-off, impresses the beauties with his demonstration of how to tie a bowtie, with shy giggles and coy sidelong glances. During one-on-one commentary, Tony wears an open-collar shirt and has gel-styled hair. Is Tony faking bowtie dweeb-chic to manipulate America into loving him? If so, it’s working. I want to marry him and tie bows for him every day.
Natalie, who resembles the chick from American Beauty, reveals that she is some kind of all-star Hooters girl, having appeared on Hooters calendars, mouse pads, and memoribilia the world throughout. Her talent is tying a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue. The geeks’ jaws drop. Tying a knot in a cherry stem “correlates with tongue dexterity,” comments Dave, career LARPer (Live-Action Role-Playing), “and every guy knows what that means.” Natalie is hot property. Dave’s eyes are glassy and I’m really glad the frame cuts his body off at the waist.
Joshua, Princeton astrophysicist and pale, curled fetus extraordinaire, lurches with hunched shoulders into the beauties’ room and appears to stumble on the rug. The women are already cringing. Joshua must live in Opposite World, because he says Princeton has improved his social life considerably, as he is now a big fan of dancing. “What kind of dancing?” the beauties coo. “Not any kind, really,” he intones through his sizable nose, “just jumping around to random beats.”
Joshua says he’s not very good at talking about himself, but his mom is, and whips out his cellphone: “I think I’ll have her tell you about me.” This is the kiss of death. The beauties exchange horrified looks. Shay says he is the nerdiest man she has ever seen: “It’s like he’s not even real.” Joshua smiling expectantly and holds the phone awkwardly at waist level while his mother extols her special little man’s virtues. “He’s very kind, very smart…” Joshua bobs his head – or maybe he is stifling smug chuckles. Bwa ha ha, the beauties are mine.
The talent show ends and everyone gathers to clap hands and flash their pearly whites while jockeying for camera attention. Mike Richards says the Bs and Gs need to get to know each other even better – under the stars and at night! Slumber party! Cut to the geeks walking with trepidation through a series of tropically-themed canopies. “Ahh, the female of species!” Joshua proclaims as the ladies enter the frame. They have a barbecue and a steamy hot tub materializes. Everyone dips their toes in first The girls strip to bikinis and bounce in, giggling and tickling each other. Okay, not tickling, but they might as well be. The swimsuits are skimpy and some of the girls have serious silicone going on.
Now the boys are taking their shirts off. The girls’ smiles freeze. The consensus is that Josh and Joshua need serious back waxes. “It’s like a forest back there,” says Katie of Joshua. Joshua takes his eyeglasses off and resembles a tiny albino mole. He is so pale I think he is transparent but for the billowing black hair on his back. Breasts – male and female – abound.
Everyone dries off and it’s time to choose cabanas for the “slumber” part of the party. Joshua is instantly chosen by Amanda, Shay, and one of the blonde chicks but at this point I really can’t tell them apart. I’ll wait until a few more get eliminated to sort this stuff out. My boy Joshua dons a flannel p.j. set and Amanda, giddy with geek-love, ties a ribbon arond his forehead and bounces on their air mattress. As for his newfound popularity, “maybe they think I’m pathetic and want to help me,” Joshua voices over. And maybe he doesn’t mind, says the camera, cutting to a slow-motion shot of Amanda’s ginormous breasts bouncing in the foreground, Joshua’s open-mouthed smile glistening in the back. Josh (he of the exposed bicep, not to be confused with My Boy Joshua), Dave, and Will sprawl out in a male-only cabana. They verbally high-five each other for seeing lots of tits today.
Morning! We return to the B&G mansion where Mike Richards is looking extra-spray-tanned, sleaze factor 9.8. “This show is all about personal growth,” he says and everyone rolls their eyes. No, actually they line up for their diagnostic exams on geekhood / bimbodom.
The men meet with kittenish female therapist who asks them to draw their “ideal women.” Tony draws a face with plump lips and pretty eyelashes. “Where are her breasts?” purrs kitten-therapist. “Are breasts important to you?” At the mention of the naughty b-word, Tony doubles over in a fit of giggles, then shrugs: “If they’re there, that’s nice. If not, that’s okay, too.” Tony’s my kind of man.
Sexy therapist has a long-haired mannikin next to her. She asks the geeks to treat it as though it were their girlfriends. This is a catch-22 because if they are frigid they lose points for knowing nothing about women; but if they get passionate with the inanimate woman they are, um, totally creepy. Surprise surprise, none of them have had girlfriends before. LARPER Dave says love is “a piece of happiness I have never experienced in my own life.” Tony manages a quick peck on mannikin’s cheek. After much prodding, Joshua bends mannikin over backwards and grasps the back of her head. “She’s no responding,” he complains. The final tests are Rorschach blotches. Every single blotch looks like a vagina. The geeks see butterflies, trees, and smiling mouths.
Where is (Penn ’06) Will? He isn’t getting much screen time. Maybe the producers are styling him to be an underdog, so he can swoop in heroically later in the season. In his one-on-one commentaries, Will wears some kind of high-tech vest with wires or something; maybe his iPod is in there? He looks like a suicide bomber strapped with explosives. Lose the vest and make love to inanimate objects, Will, and we’ll talk.
In the meantime, the beauties sit in a makeshift classroom decorated with colorful blocks and other toys aimed at the toddler set. A paternal male therapist asks them to list as many countries as possible in alphabetical order. “Europe!” cries Jasmine. “Professional Betty Boop” Hollie schools a wuzzle test, correctly identifying the following riddles:
R / E / A / D / I / N / G
Obviously I don’t believe in spoilers, so I am withholding Miss Boop’s clever answers. But I’m starting to think Hollie’s bimbo schtick is a ruse; her audition video says she loves Lord of the Rings, comic books, and poker. Geek in sheep’s clothing and a blonde wig.
Group meeting! Mike Richards announces the winners: Shalandra and Joshua, for being the dumbest and loseriest respectively, and therefore having the “most room for improvement” some other grade school report card euphemism. C’mon, tell it like it is, Mike Richards! Shalandra, you have the intellect of a toddler. Joshua, you’re SO never getting laid.
The winners get to pick their partners… and everyone else’s! They take turns talking to the other contestants and taking notes of competitor preference. Then, they totally screw Dave and assign him to Jasmine, who he thinks is the most irritating person on the planet. “There might be communication issues,” he puts it delicately. Dave wants to scalp Jasmine and fling her out a second-story B&G mansion window. “We! Are! Going! To! Have! Fun!” Jasmine chants.
Amanda of the ginormous breasts gets bowtie Tony, who tells her she looks beautiful today. Despite totally boning for each other, Hollie and Luke don’t get paired, and are visibly disappointed. Will gets Rebecca and bows deeply to kiss her hand with a flourish. I knew it! Will’s a smooth operator, and has this competition in the bag. He’s just waiting for the right moment to burst into the spotlight. The pairs scamper off to choose their rooms.
Cut to Mike Richards standing at the top of grand staircase, waxing poetic on “social experiments” and “evolution,” which is all a little Nazi for me and I want him to get to the point. He announces that the tenth and final B&G pair will be a male beauty and female geek. Um, duh. The CW announced the presence of Sam and Nicole ages ago; they even did an Entertainment Weekly interview! I’m disappointed with you, Mike Richards. This is a lame way to end the premiere.
Amid female-beauty and male-geek gasps of horror, Sam and Nicole ascend the staircase. Sam’s pretty smoking and looks like a tool, but I don’t buy Nicole’s geekhood for one second. It’s like when Rachel Leigh Cook wore eyeglasses in She’s All That and then she takes off her glasses and Anna Paquin cuts her hair and suddenly she’s a babe. I’m on to you, Nicole! Joshua you ain’t. But if you help him lose his v-card, I won’t complain.