Columbia ‘11 Nerds Even Make Professor Frink Blush
You may recall from Jacob Savage's "Drinking on Facebook 101," one of my favorite posts evarr, how '11s across the League are creating groups to demonstrate their mad drinking skillz, which sometimes reach five Smirnoff Ices in a single night. The standard bearer for this bacchanalian revelry was the Columbia group "Screw the U - Columbia '11 works hard but parties harder!!" That's right, two exclamation points, bitch.
Given the First Rule of Facebook Groups -- for every eccentric group there is an equal and opposite eccentric group -- there was no way these chug-a-lugs would exist in a vacuum. With that, allow me to introduce "Columbia '11 Works Hard, Stays Indoors, And Does Not Party At All."
I don't feel like a jerk describing them as geeks, because they'd be the first to admit it. And while their philistine adversaries have some dizzyingly funny discussion board topics, like "Mary Jane" and "The thin line between drunk and tipsy," these more traditional Columbia types have "Orientation Iliad Discussion Party" and "Attracted to Dorkiness."
After the jump, riveting tales of supergalactic love and temperance.
But first, as funny as these groups are, I'm a little worried about the Columbia '11s. It's still a month or so before their college experience starts, and many have already cordoned themselves into one-dimensional identities. Isn't it odd that some of the country's brightest kids have self-dichotomized -- at the college level, no less -- into bingers vs. squares? I thought the point of college was discovering nuances and not having to choose between the Screech or A.C. Slater camps. We should emulate Zack Morris: a friend to all of earth's creatures, a lover of Kelly Kapowski.
Meh. Nerd sex, after the jump.
The aforementioned Iliad discussion party appears to be in the works, and most are enthusiastic. One student, however, appears to be a dick and has his reservations about the University's choice of translation:
wait, we had to read the LATTIMORE one? DAMMIT, i only read the Fagles one, the Lang one, the Fitzgerald one, and the Lombardo one! god! why don't they just make us learn ancient greek and read it firsthand!? i'd much rather do that than enjoy my stupid summer! gosh!
The next group, "Books!" is a thinly veiled opportunity for our literati to show off their current reading lists. Most of them think they're hot shit, not realizing that the most common titles -- Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, On the Road, One Hundred Years of Solitude and so on -- are pretty typical college stereotypes. There's another book people are reading, however, but someone is worried that it might ruin his cred:
Ana Karenina AND The Brothers Karamazov...soon to be interrupted by Harry Potter but hey, I'm not perfect
It's OK, son. On the Road is much worse.
On the "Attracted to Dorkiness" board, the chicks lay it all out for the dudes:
Dorky is the new kinky.
i love dorky guys, i think it's cuz they're themselves and not all insecure and stuff. come on, look at adam brody from the OC...yummy.
I LOVE dorky/nerdy guys! Yummeh brains, too...
I like nerdy guys. All of my friends know it. I dont think its a particularly weird thing. ;)
a lot of dorky guys/girls are closet freaks...as i've heard
Just as the boys are getting their hopes up for some kinky post-Iliad discussion trim, one of the prospects drops this heartbreaker in response to that last post:
Oh, it's true! How do I know that? Ummm... *runs away* But seriously... I'm dating a boy who plays Magic Cards. That's right. And no, nerd-boys, I'm not disrespecting "Magic, The Gathering," I'm just saying, is all... Dorks are cute.
Good gloyvin! Their sweet, sweet Princess Leia is taken. It appears nerd girls can be teases as well.
And finally, the showstopper, the nerd tell-all, the manifesto of Columbia's partyless frosh: "I know you all have nerdy habits. let's hear 'em." It was tough to wade through all of these posts, but here are some of the best:
The reason I didn't go to the senior trip is because I was at Nationals for quiz bowl.
I often respond to questions (in normal conversations) in an A, B, C, etc. listing format
Even though I live next to a beach, I only go to collect data for green sea turtle conservation purposes.
Add up car-plate numbers to see if they're divisible by three
Hated 'A-' with a passion.
My vanity plate on my car is also ELCPTAN because I was "El Capitan" of my scholar's bowl team.
I just realized that almost everything i look at turns into a math or physics problem
I sometimes hang out with people in their thirties and forties and do political stuff with them.
did anyone else cry when they saw the starcraft 2 trailer?
"did anyone else cry when they saw the starcraft 2 trailer?" Out of sheer joy? ... maybe a little
Amateurs! Let the nerd Queen of Columbia '11 demolish you in one sinister blow:
ROBOTICS. Robotics, robotics, robotics.. Can't stop thinking about robotics. Can't stop talking about robotics.
WHAT NOW? WHAT. NOW? Want to be a nerd do you? Then f$#@$ build a robot and we'll talk.
--JIM NEWELL
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August 2nd, 2007 at 4:14 pm
lay off the nerds jim. why? see revenge of the nerds for details.
but who cares. honestly most of the kids coming into colleges like columbia are nerds at hard. they have two options. pretend they are cool, which to us seasoned graduates seems painful and pathetic, or embrace their inner nerd which, also seems painful and pathetic.
i think it strikes home because we were all once like them.
let the kids have their fun, and they will all be drunk by the time their parents have driven into jersey.
August 2nd, 2007 at 4:32 pm
I like to post embellished personality traits on the internet so people will find my supposed quirks endearing.
August 2nd, 2007 at 5:32 pm
I think that the first quote was to be taken as a joke… just so you know.
August 2nd, 2007 at 6:13 pm
NNNNNNNNEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDSSSSSSSSSSSS
August 2nd, 2007 at 7:45 pm
As one of the first people to join the group, and having spoken with the group creator, I’d just like to make it very clear that the group started as a way to poke fun at the “Screw the U” group. Although we are nerdy (it is Columbia after all), we still like having fun and often aren’t serious at all on the facebook group (see: the Illiad discussion group).
August 2nd, 2007 at 8:25 pm
whatever you say nerd
August 2nd, 2007 at 8:49 pm
haha, you like dave matthews band. that’s cool. NOT! soyml (shit on your mom laughing)!
August 2nd, 2007 at 9:35 pm
so my dad is an editor at the nytimes magazine and asked me to plug his essay contest. so, here it goes:
In the turbulent late ’60s and early ’70s, college campuses played a major role in American culture and politics. Today, according to author and historian Rick Perlstein, colleges have lost their central place in the broader society and in the lives of undergraduates.
We invite all college students to read “What’s the Matter with College,” Perlstein’s full article on the subject, and submit an essay of no more than 1,200 words in response.
Is the college experience less critical to the nation than it was a generation ago? We invite you to join the debate.
The winning essay will be published in the special Sept. 30 College issue of The Magazine and at NYTimes.com/Magazine. Five runner-up essays will also be published at NYTimes.com/Magazine.
Details are available at http://nytimes.com/essay. Please spread the word about this great opportunity to let the voice of college students be heard!
THE DEADLINE IS SUNDAY, AUGUST 6, 2007
August 2nd, 2007 at 9:47 pm
so my dad is an editor at the nytimes magazine and asked me to plug his essay contest. so, here it goes:
In the turbulent late ’60s and early ’70s, college campuses played a major role in American culture and politics. Today, according to author and historian Rick Perlstein, colleges have lost their central place in the broader society and in the lives of undergraduates.
We invite all college students to read “What’s the Matter with College,” Perlstein’s full article on the subject, and submit an essay of no more than 1,200 words in response.
Is the college experience less critical to the nation than it was a generation ago? We invite you to join the debate.
The winning essay will be published in the special Sept. 30 College issue of The Magazine and at NYTimes.com/Magazine. Five runner-up essays will also be published at NYTimes.com/Magazine.
Details are available at http://nytimes.com/essay. Please spread the word about this great opportunity to let the voice of college students be heard!
THE DEADLINE IS SUNDAY, AUGUST 6, 2007
August 2nd, 2007 at 10:09 pm
i bet your dad plugs something else too.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:14 pm
Haha. The picture at the top of the webpage is of Princeton on Dean’s Date 2007.
August 2nd, 2007 at 11:18 pm
Wow. Un-freaking-believable. First the whole perfect girls story; then the endless kids-won’t-get-into-an-Ivy handwringing; followed up by not-an-Ivy = safety school? And now the New York Times has resorted to asking their oh-so-connected kids to plug an essay contest in the comments sections of blogs? Better still: posting this plea six days before the deadline?
This once proud publication truly is lost. Will that place ever recover from Jayson Blair?
August 3rd, 2007 at 12:01 am
SYOM is one of the most depraved things I’ve ever encountered. I can’t stop laughing.
August 3rd, 2007 at 12:01 am
SYOML is one of the most depraved things I’ve ever encountered. I can’t stop laughing.
August 3rd, 2007 at 1:13 am
It’s really sad that IvyGate blog editors can’t understand sarcasm when it hits them in the face. That entire group is being facetious.
Way to make yourselves look ridiculous, especially considering that you pride yourself on being the bastion of snarky commentary.
August 3rd, 2007 at 1:20 am
posted in straight-faced seriousness in those threads are worthy of ridicule.
August 3rd, 2007 at 3:02 am
my life is complete that i have now been mocked by ivygate blog!!! THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY NIGHT!!! And let me reiterate that nerds are indeed closet freaks…
August 3rd, 2007 at 3:04 am
My life is now complete that I have been mocked by ivygate blog!! thank you for making my night!!! And let me reiterate that nerds are indeed closet freaks…
August 3rd, 2007 at 8:45 am
I see Jimmy doesn’t understand the subtle nuances of sarcasm and self-deprecation. Shame, really.
August 3rd, 2007 at 9:09 am
ivygate’s gotten weak
August 3rd, 2007 at 10:19 am
i like ‘em. they taste good.
August 3rd, 2007 at 11:24 am
Ahaha… delightful. I was quoted, and it makes me feel a little bit famous.
August 3rd, 2007 at 11:25 am
Shocking news:
The whole “Columbia ‘11 Works Hard, Stays Indoors, And Does Not Party At All” group is a JOKE!
August 3rd, 2007 at 12:53 pm
Robotics!
I’m flattered.
August 3rd, 2007 at 1:42 pm
damn is this shit trite.
August 3rd, 2007 at 2:09 pm
If the facebook group was a joke, then everyone involved got a little too into it. Evere seen when someone tells a joke and they get so into it that the joke isn’t funny but you get a glimpse into the freaky blackhole of their psyche?
THAT is what your joke facebook group was like. So ‘well-done’ that it was probably closer to the truth than any of you realize. Nerds!
August 3rd, 2007 at 2:39 pm
i hate it when people get into their jokes too. ideally, everyone would be apathetic and boring.
thanks for enlightening me. fuck if i’m ever gonna be weird again.