Yale Alumni Magazine Rather Regrets the Error
We’ve all fantasized about writing, ah, creatively to our respective alumni magazines on behalf of friends and, more likely, enemies. But very few of us have actually done it. (There was the time someone from our high school wrote in saying that a classmate — a gentleman of a certain girth — had hiked Everest.)
Well, Jonathan Nathanson, Yale ‘02, has lived the dream. And judging from the correction in the latest issue of Yale Alumni Magazine, it was well worth it:
Nathanson’s struggle teaches us much about the art of making stuff up about other people:
- Make it plausible. A friend’s coming out party is much more likely than, say, his getting hospitalized by a dray of furious squirrels.
- Go the extra mile. If they need an e-mail confirmation, create a dummy e-mail account. If they need verbal confirmation, phone them up. If they need the person to confirm in the flesh, develop Face/Off technology, kidnap him and adopt his life as if you were the real Yale alumnus.
- Never, never own up. On this count, Nathanson failed miserably. He had plenty of excuses, too, starting with the obvious: that someone was in fact impersonating him, Jonathan Nathanson (which sounds like a fake name in the first place).
Now it’s your turn, Vogel. Revenge submission?
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April 11th, 2007 at 9:21 am
“Would that my life were as exciting….”
Why the hell is “would” even in that badly crafted sentence?!
April 11th, 2007 at 9:28 am
Optative subjunctive, baby!
http://www.languages.uncc.edu/classics/latin/glossary.htm#sectO
April 11th, 2007 at 9:38 am
I’d say, unless he were translating directly from Greek, it would be 95% more appropriate to use the English equivalent “If only my life…”
But way to know the optative subjunctive!
April 11th, 2007 at 10:18 am
The subjunctive use of “would that” is quite common when someone wishes to convey, with some force and vim, a desirable condition that one cannot hope to achieve. It’s best thought of as a more baroque alternative to “alas!” And it’s useful in all kinds of ways.
sDJ could not be more mistaken; in no way is it a poorly crafted sentence.
April 11th, 2007 at 11:48 am
Would that Mr. Vogel were able to remove the stick from his ass long enough to remember that in real life people say “If only …” even when the optative subjunctive is correct. A remunerative and passionless career in law awaits.
April 11th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
Rumor is he’s just ashamed cause his grandma found out and she now she’s having doubts about giving him a share of the Velveta Cheese fortune because he’s dating a Puerto Rican, albeit an incredibly well-endowed one.
April 11th, 2007 at 12:23 pm
the idea of having a velveeta cheese fortune cracks me up
April 11th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
I appreciate the publicity and all, but perhaps immodestly, I think the original piece would have been a better gossip item than the retraction. Not that I mind the retraction, in as much as it inadvertantly highlights the hilarious naivete of the so-called “fact checker.” But even still, I think the first piece was some of my better work.
To answer two of your implicit questions:
1) My name is actually “Jon Nathanson” (not “Jonathan”). I agree that the name “Jonathan Nathanson” sounds fake — and, as it so happens, it IS fake (in a sense).
2) You’re damned right it was worth it.
April 11th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
In Nathanson and Vogel’s defense, the whole fiasco underscores the comedy that is the Alumni Magazine notes sections. The tone of both Nathanson and Vogel’s comments would initially indicate that they are both possessed by the same insanity that contributes to presumably normal alums writing in about their lives in a well-worn stereotypical form. But Nathanson’s joke speaks for itself, and my guess is that Vogel’s use of the optative subjunctive was itself a parody of the Alumni Magazine notes. At least I hope so. Or I give them too much credit.
April 11th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
I laughed out loud on the shitter (my typical alumni notes reading spot) when I read this. Well done, Jon.
April 11th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
deserves justice. he said the original message was his better work, so please, print the original annoucement.
April 11th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
Original!! Please IvyGate!!
April 11th, 2007 at 6:45 pm
It cracks me up that right above the highlighted entry, someone named Braxton is being congratulated for his work at a hedge fund in Greenwich. Stereotype’s’ve gotta come from somewhere.
April 11th, 2007 at 8:01 pm
“Would that…” is a perfectly fine way to begin a sentence describing how you wish that your life was as exciting as a coming-out party.
April 11th, 2007 at 11:46 pm
For what it’s worth I have my copy of last month’s alumni mag, and the original item was: “Jon Nathanson (MC ‘02) here, writing to inform everyone that I recently had the pleasure of attending Matthew Vogel’s (MC ‘02) coming-out-of-the-closet party, held at the very posh New York apartment of Matt’s long-time companion, Julian. Ever the showman, Matt leapt out of a giant wedding cake and announced, ‘Here I am, world. Take me or leave me!’ Please join me in congratulating Matt and Julian as they embark on what is sure to be a magical journey together for many years to come.”
April 12th, 2007 at 12:11 am
Thank you ES 04… laughed out loud for a few minutes there. If only every alumni mag were filled with such vignettes I might actually read mine!
April 13th, 2007 at 10:47 pm
I worked for the development office. They’re not the most tech savvy people. A simple search on facebook would probably prevented this whole thing.
The “prank” wasn’t funny, Mr. Nathanson.
April 14th, 2007 at 4:45 pm
clearly wrong token. this is hilarious. maybe you and the boys at the development office should take your jobs a little less seriously.
April 15th, 2007 at 11:00 pm
Dear Mr. you are,
I assure you that development work is indeed a very serious undertaking. Can anyone point me in the right direction to pick up a copy of this face book?